How does anyone report someone.

[Abstract]

I'm having a difficult time about not reporting something that happened to my sister and me. Because of the concern the person could have had or could harm others. Most of the rest of our lives we made excuses for them and discounted what happened. Decided not to do anything.

There are children who are almost adult and who are very disturbed. There are other reasons that would have affected them, but. My eyes have only recently become more open.

If I hadn't previously talked myself out of acknowledging their behaviour and overempathised/projected inocence onto them then I absolutely would have done this in the past. Without thought for myself or what it would mean to me.

But. Its not only my story. My sister has rights in this. It was not severe. We managed to keep away. It is now 47 years later. And the persons children are almost out of the house, there are financial difficulties, and I don't know if someone investigating the person would help them or cause more difficulties. For certain reasons I doubt there is ongoing abuse at this point, if there was any before.

There are always endless differing factors in different peoples curcumstances, but how people do report it is also challenging for me. I now also have a little bit of newly discovered self preservation. My brain can't process this. My life is piled high around me at present. I was tormented about it at various points in my life, but now I just feel frozen as to how to even begin. I would only consider some sort of flagging of them being a potential problem. Nothing else.

I see them in a slightly different light as a new trauma knocked some stuff up from the past that is unrelated. If it's true (still can't look) then he is a different character than I thought/ think.

But I detest myself, of course. It's complicated.

Any thoughts of what can be done with as little complications as is possible. The person isn't as severe as other people I have encountered. I think. More mixed up.

 

[Roland]

Do you live in the United States?

 

[Abstract]

Do you live in the United States?

No. I realise things vary. They are also in a different country to the one I am in. Thanks.

 

[Teamwork]

Look for agencies that deal with abuse. They often have great councillors there that help you out and know what you are going through. Could be anything like here it would be the sexual assault centre or the victims services. They are starting points if you can find such a place in your area. Even if it isn’t domestic violence or sexual assaults they are trained to know where to send you for your type of help needed.

 

[Roland]

No. I realise things vary. They are also in a different country to the one I am in. Thanks.

In the United States we have a hotline called rainn for victims of sexual assault and I thought they had one specifically for legal advice on reporting and such. (Edit: not sure what I was thinking of, I couldn't find it). Surely you have something similar? But you have to report in the place it happened. I never reported. When I was considering it, my therapist made it out like I was trying to get revenge or something. She was questioning my motives, saying I should forgive him, and assuming what happened to me wouldn't happen to someone else (dumb thing to think). But I don't really regret not reporting... I just sometimes go back and forth on it... So it's personal. Don't let anyone sway you one way or the other. Seek legal advice and consider the possible outcomes and what you want out of it (do you want to press charges? Do they want them locked up? Would you do a trial?).

 

[Abstract]

Look for agencies that deal with abuse. They often have great councillors there that help you out and know what you are going through. Could be anything like here it would be the sexual assault centre or the victims services. They are starting points if you can find such a place in your area. Even if it isn’t domestic violence or sexual assaults they are trained to know where to send you for your type of help needed.

Thank you so much. I think I found something along those lines. That sounds like something more doable too.

In the United States we have a hotline called rainn for victims of sexual assault and I thought they had one specifically for legal advice on reporting and such. (Edit: not sure what I was thinking of, I couldn't find it). Surely you have something similar? But you have to report in the place it happened. I never reported. When I was considering it, my therapist made it out like I was trying to get revenge or something. She was questioning my motives, saying I should forgive him, and assuming what happened to me wouldn't happen to someone else (dumb thing to think). But I don't really regret not reporting... I just sometimes go back and forth on it... So it's personal. Don't let anyone sway you one way or the other. Seek legal advice and consider the possible outcomes and what you want out of it (do you want to press charges? Do they want them locked up? Would you do a trial?).

Thank you so much. That is really helpful. Sorry you had such shockingly crappy input from your therapist.

It's really helpful to hear about the pushes and pulls to do something. I feel like my therapist is judging me for not doing so now - but it could of course be projection. I have a lot on my plate at present. New trauma, medical and pain stuff as well as other stuff with family. I cant really imagine adding anything to that. I want to help but, in addition, am a bit concerned that I could cause more harm. To the children. The eldest of the two has had extreme amounts of psychiatric and psychological help and I'm aware that me throwing a bomb in the mix just before they are about to leave home may cause more difficulties. Maybe I am justifying things to myself. It may be a relief beyond words.

In the past my sister and I discussed whether to say anything or not. First it was me saying not and her initially saying to. Then later we swapped. I really would rather not have that conversation at present. But. I don't know. Won't spell out the thoughts but it's hard thinking he could be harming others. I would never forgive myself.

If I could find the courage to look at this earlier memory I may have a better idea how pathological he is. A metal shutter shuts when I get near it. I don't think it's too bad. I hope.

Hope also that you have peace with your stuff. I'm glad you feel content and you deserve that.

 

[Roland]

Thank you so much. That is really helpful. Sorry you had such shockingly crappy input from your therapist.

It's really helpful to hear about the pushes and pulls to do something. I feel like my therapist is judging me for not doing so now - but it could of course be projection. I have a lot on my plate at present. New trauma, medical and pain stuff as well as other stuff with family. I cant really imagine adding anything to that. I want to help but, in addition, am a bit concerned that I could cause more harm. To the children. The eldest of the two has had extreme amounts of psychiatric and psychological help and I'm aware that me throwing a bomb in the mix just before they are about to leave home may cause more difficulties. Maybe I am justifying things to myself. It may be a relief beyond words.

In the past my sister and I discussed whether to say anything or not. First it was me saying not and her initially saying to. Then later we swapped. I really would rather not have that conversation at present. But. I don't know. Won't spell out the thoughts but it's hard thinking he could be harming others. I would never forgive myself.

If I could find the courage to look at this earlier memory I may have a better idea how pathological he is. A metal shutter shuts when I get near it. I don't think it's too bad. I hope.

Hope also that you have peace with your stuff. I'm glad you feel content and you deserve that.

Yeah, I totally get all of that. It's all valid. I've heard stories where a rape was reported but the woman didn't even finish the interview, she walked out. But later when another victim pressed charges they used the previous case to help convict the offender. So from a legal sense, reporting can do wonders. In my case, my memory is so foggy, my dad offended me when I was 3 years old. A lot of things he did I have no conscious memory of and the courts and law enforcement just don't like that. Not saying you couldn't do it still but it was a reason why I didn't want to, because I'm bringing up memories from 1-2 decades ago that I don't really remember. The other thing is, I feel like there's no such thing as justice, what happened to me was so horrible that him sitting in jail or whatever wouldn't do hardly anything for justice. BUT like you, I worry that he is/will be hurting more people, especially kids. But like I said, I think you should weigh the decision carefully, do your research and do what seems right to you.

 

[Abstract]

Oh, and I absolutely won't be trying to go to court and don't want to go to the police etc. I don't have it in me and it wouldn't get far. It is decades ago. Nothing to back me up, and I couldn't anyway.

 

[Roland]

Oh, and I absolutely won't be trying to go to court and don't want to go to the police etc. I don't have it in me and it wouldn't get far. It is decades ago. Nothing to back me up, and I couldn't anyway.

You have a way to report that's not through the police? Or have you decided against any kind of reporting?

 

[Movingforward10]

In the UK you can report via other means such as the Haven.

It's difficult.

I suppose, what do you want to happen if you report? What's ideal?

And if that doesn't happen?

 

[scout86]

The eldest of the two has had extreme amounts of psychiatric and psychological help

In light of that, how likely is it that anything that's happened within the family is already known? At least to the people who have been working with that eldest child? I suppose that might not matter, but reporting or not reporting might not be a case where it's you or no one. (I'm not at all sure that knowing that makes your situation any easier!)

 

[Abstract]

Yeah, I totally get all of that. It's all valid. I've heard stories where a rape was reported but the woman didn't even finish the interview, she walked out. But later when another victim pressed charges they used the previous case to help convict the offender. So from a legal sense, reporting can do wonders. In my case, my memory is so foggy, my dad offended me when I was 3 years old. A lot of things he did I have no conscious memory of and the courts and law enforcement just don't like that. Not saying you couldn't do it still but it was a reason why I didn't want to, because I'm bringing up memories from 1-2 decades ago that I don't really remember. The other thing is, I feel like there's no such thing as justice, what happened to me was so horrible that him sitting in jail or whatever wouldn't do hardly anything for justice. BUT like you, I worry that he is/will be hurting more people, especially kids. But like I said, I think you should weigh the decision carefully, do your research and do what seems right to you.

Hi. Thank yiu so much for sharing. I hadn't read this when I last responded. Brain starting to function.

I totally get what you are saying. And am so sorry that happened to you. On top of the other important things you mentioned, I am deeply suspicious about it reaping any successful action. I'm a bit pragmatic. How easy is it to have a successful case when so much time has hone by and our own thoughts are so interrupted. You were extraordinarily young. How do you manage to express that. Maybe you have outside proof but I don't. Mine was considerably older in relation to him and inappropriate stuff. Around 9 onwards I think. But I was already highly depersonalised. I don't even trust the clarity of my own thoughts experiences let alone ensuring someone else trusts them.

But more recently a differently type of trauma knocked stuff up from around 5 years old that related to someone else being harmed in a totally different way. Still can't go near it so don't have clarity. It's not that bad I think. But it would make me see the person differently if it is what I think.

I always look at the older stuff as him being immature and mixed up. Hopefully no harm to anyone later. He was around 22.

.I get your other thoughts on justice. I guess we do what we can when we can. Easy to say that to others.

I don't know how to report without going to the police. Will look into the other suggestions. It doesn't seem fair if I can't be clear enough and answerable enough.

My thinking is clearly not very logical. This has sprung up again unexpectedly.