Supporter How I Can Get My Husband To Seek Help??

[MishMish]

I honestly don't even know where to start.

As of May, I have officially made it through my first deployment. We are currently oversea's getting ready to PCS. I knew that a deployment, would make us both (My husband and I) change.. in different ways.

I learned a few months before my husband returned, that he is suffering from PTSD. We has now been home for about 10 weeks, and it has been a struggle. He seems to think he has everything "under control." But it's quite the opposite. My husband endured a lot down range, more than most, then on top of it, lost his brother ( to an accidental overdose.)

I have been more than understanding with him, given him room to breathe, and have tried really hard not to take anything personal ( meaning the things he says.) I am at the point where I feel lost.

I am oversea's alone, and I do not have many friends, none whom I can trust enough to give them insight on my everyday life. His family, apparently does not think this is a problem, but how can I blame them? They are not here to see.

I know that he is afraid to seek professional help ( Note:He has ADMITTED he NEEDS help) bc he really LOVES what he does in the military.. It just so happened that he has stuck with a bad unit, that made things a lot harder than needed to be. He is getting ready to go to a new unit. I just need to find a way for him to seek help, so that he can have a new start at this unit. This unit relieved him while down range, so he will not be deploying again for about 3 years.

I have no doubt that my husband loves me, and wants to be with me, and wants us to be a family but, This has been draining me emotionally.. I feel like I can't breathe at times. It has affected me as a person, and has made me a very angry person (even though I try not to be.) I can also see how this is affecting our daughter ( which makes me feel terrible as a parent, bc I should be protecting her.) I almost feel like his mother at times, and not his wife.

Does anyone have any idea what I can do? I am well aware that he has to WANT help. I know that I cannot fix this, but maybe someone has a solution to how I can get him to see why he needs help.

<Paragraph breaks inserted for ease of reading by Amethist>

 

[seedling]

MishMish,

I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. It's a positive that he knows and has admitted he needs help. Maybe he's able to fake it in communications with his family. Not so easy with you.

Is there a way for you to find out what help might be an option for him so you can suggest something (when the mood is right, I'm sure) ? I know there are those here that have gotten treatment and stayed in the military.

Have you done some reading on the combat forum and asked questions of those there how they handled their careers and treatment? Maybe there are some ideas for options there.

Is there any kind of counseling support available to you? Someone you can go to to discuss your own stress?

I think setting your own boundaries on any behavior of his that may be out of line as far as your relationship is concerned is one good way of helping him see that he needs help. Kind of like saying "I understand what you've been through and am sympathetic. When it comes to our relationship (and that with your daughter) these are the things I won't put up with (fill in the blank).

Keep reading on the forum. I liked the thread started by Soldiers Wife about her struggles with her husband, the kids and treatment. It's in the Supporter's Diaries under Soldiers Wife Journal.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum MishMish. Seedling already mentionned a great deal, but I would add, suggest to your husband to come on line to this forum ... especially the combat forum : [DLMURL]http://combat.ptsdforum.org/[/DLMURL] at least that way, he will be able to have an idea that he is not alone, he will be able to vent and get some sort of support system from other members. Right now, you need to think about yourself ... if I read right, you are now deployed, so you need your concentration. Keep coming here so that you can get some support. Will be reading your posts ... be safe (((MishMish)))

 

[Peacemaker]

Mish Mish, thank you to both you and your husband for your service to our country, both of you are brave and honorable and because of you, Americans have freedoms that no other country enjoys! I wish that I had an answer for you, I'd suggest that you talk with your husband and tell him that you love him and your family so much and that you want a mentally healthy environment for all and that you will support him through his treatment if he is willing to seek it. This is my second marriage and I have found that it does you absolutely no good to talk with your husbands family about him, after all, he's "perfect" the problem is with you they think. Most people cannot acknowlege that their family member has a mental problem, they think this means they also have mental problems, therefore it is useless for you to look to them for help, what you need is "outside" help. I have no idea where service people go for help, find a place and get there and don't worry about shame or embarrassment. People often don't realize how serious these problems can be, so please seek help! Also, if you practice a religion, turn to your rabbi, pastor, priest, or any support groups in your area. I really hope that everything works out for you!

 

[MishMish]

Thank you for all the responses. First, I need to correct- that I am a military spouse :-) (sorry for the confusion.) .. We are stationed oversea's.. So I stayed in Germany while he deployed to Afghanistan.

A few things have happened since I last wrote. I pretty much broke down- and told him if he did not want to help himself, there is no more I can do. As this situation, was greatly affecting my own well being, and our daughter has also been affected by it.

When this happened, he spent almost 6 hours telling me stories of the things that he endured. Some I could not even stomach, but I patiently listened. I felt like we took a step forward, and into the right direction. The very next day, we took ten steps back. I know that he felt, maybe exposed? that I knew things, that he never told anyone. Even though I ensured that no matter what he told me, I never felt differently, or would stop loving him. Even now, knowing everything I know now, I still love him the same as I did before any of this happened.

We have talked since about this and staying in the military. I have explained that as long as he was willing to seek treatment, he could have a successful career in the military. The thing I also explained is that if he doesn't seek treatment, and he continues to go to formation late, and little things like that, they will discharge him from the army, for this behavior. They are willing to work with you, as long as you are willing to help yourself.

I have set boundaries for our home, as to what will be tolerated. If he feels that he is angry, or needs to act in a way that is not appropriate, he needs to take a walk... or drive.. clear his head.. and return home when he feels ready.

I personally have used the technique of "Post Traumatic Growth."- I have learned to take the negative events in my life into something positive. I try to gain or learn something from it. Have any of you tried this, has it worked for you in this type of situation?

He has an appointment Monday for a therapist. I am not sure how this will play out, because some of the things are still very hard for him to talk about, but this is step in the right direction. We have also decided to each go to therapy on or own, once we are all ready, we can collide, and start going together, to rebuild what has been lost.

I did mention to my husband about this forum. I am hoping in the near future, when he is ready he will join and find the support he needs. I will check out all that was mention. I am eager to know everything I need to. I have ordered books, workbooks and so on, to also help.

I agree when it comes to family. My husband is his mom's Pride and Joy. He does not go to her, because he does not want her to think anything differently of him. I do have some AMAZING friends here. The only problem with that is, We are moving to Alaska in less than a month, and I will have to find a whole new support system.

I also have to mention that the PTSD is not only from the deployment ( and the things that occured.) Shortly before he was being re stationed back here, his brother died. We went home for the funeral, which was the first time he has seen him since 2009. He pretty much took a bunch of pills and killed himself. My husband talked to him hours before he did this, but didn't take what was said seriously.

I apologize for rambling. I am THANKFUL for this forum and all of you. I know this is going to be a journey, and I am willing to do ALL I can to keep my husband, myself, our family on the right path :)

 

[Froggie]

((((MishMish)))), we are here, standing by you and reading your posts. Please keep writing as this will relieve some of that anguish you are dealing with. I certainly hope that your H will find what he needs with his therapy. This must be very hard on you with all that distance. And to have to move on top of that. At least this forum will will be with you where ever you may be in this world. Linking arms with you and sending you waves of energy, peace and friendship.

 

[MishMish]

I know it's been a few months so I have been on. Life has been busy, and we have PCS'd to Alaska. Things have taken a turn for the worse. When he told me that he was going into therapy, I honestly believed him, however, he never went. He goes to a TBI clinic, since we have been here. They have done NOTHING to help him yet. The outburst of anger and anxiety have caused us not get close to anyone around us, so I have few friends where we are. I walk on egg shells in my home, hoping not to ever trigger anything that could tick him off or upset him. However it never works. I really do not know what to do anymore.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Welcome back to the forum, MishMish.

I am sorry to hear that everything has become more difficult for both you and your husband. Is the TBI clinic aware of your husband's previous PTSD diagnosis? Have you been able to accompany your husband to his doctor appointments? From personal experience, TBIs and PTSD appear to have similar symptoms as medical professionals who look for or at one diagnosis often do not see the other. This does not mean that co-morbidity is not present. Someone can definitely have both or just one and have it mistaken for the other. I personally have left the Emergency Department with either one or both diagnoses after a fall. The brain is definitely a complex organ.

I would strongly suggest that you take a look at the supporters section on this forum and see if other military spouses have any suggestions.

Best wishes!

 

[MishMish]

Thank you! I am not sure if they are aware. My husband does not allow me to go with him to his appointments. (We have one car, and we live off post.) So he will make sure that there is no time in between to get me, to accompany him. My husband isn't really forth coming when it comes to admitting that there is a problem. I will def look into the supporters section. Thank you!

 

[BloomInWinter]

MishMash,

Are you safe?

Do you have autonomy so you can seek out friends, resources, etc. as needed in real life?

 

[MishMish]

I am safe. Thank you. I have learned to not argue back, and I never yell. If I ever get so mad at a situation that I want to yell, I walk into a different room. With just moving to Alaska at the beginning of December, I do not have any close friends. If it was so bad that I needed to leave, I could go to my husband's chain of command and have him live in the barracks. One of my problems, is that I don't have the support system that I need to help him, if that makes sense. I am too far from home to go visit my family when I need them. His family doesn't think this is a real issue.. and that it will just "go away." I am starting therapy this week, so hopefully they can give me some insight on what I should do. At this point, I want to leave for my own well being, but if I turn my back on him, he will have no one.

<edited for basic grammar by Deaf Global Nomad>

 

[BloomInWinter]

You must save yourself first. Then, you will be in a much better place to help if and when he is ready to ask for your help.

You are so isolated now it is not healthy for you. Is there a spouse's group or some community group you are able to connect with other people in real life? It is crucial to break out of isolation.

Keep sharing, reading, and dreaming about how you want to spend your days.