How Long Can I Wait For Help? *long Post, Sorry*

[rainy_daze]

I am sorry this is so long, I did not know how to shorten it. I have years to cover with PTSD and explaining, but the recent years should be enough. I hope it doesn't trigger anyone :( it's not my intention, the post is to seek advice of any kind. I know from reading other posts here, I am not alone in these feelings, so feel supported but still afraid for myself.

*Remember, I am from Scotland: GP = doctor, we have the NHS (National Health Service, "free" healthcare) here and this is an NHS psychologist whose waiting list I am on (with a counselling degree etc and some other qualifications), when I mention calling I am calling a receptionist and waiting on the psych to return my call, which always took 2days+ and a lot of forcing the receptionist verbally over the phone to "please just leave a message" for the psych!), I have no money for therapy (in fact, I am minus money, a lot of £ in my opinion), not on medication (huge series of disasters/very long story). Feel free to ask questions to me. Thanks to anyone in advance for taking the time to reply (or simply read) this.*

Summer 2009: (through GP) I asked for help.
Winter 2009: I begged for help (GP). I began to go to a charity counselling service while awaiting my referral to a psych.
Spring 2010: I am told by the psych that I will see her in 6 months, maximum waiting time, hopefully sooner. If things get bad, to call her.

I call after the 6 months wait, "Sorry, wait a little longer, we are so busy" is the answer I get, although things were not just bad, they were worse. I understand waiting lists, how much pressure they must be under, I really do and try to. I waited patiently.

Spring 2011: After a year of waiting (minus the original waiting list I was put on, which was to wait on the initial appointment when I was placed on waiting list), I call again. A written reply, some advce about a class on dealing with stress. I don't go - not comfortable in that setting (even if it is not a group therapy setting).

Winter 2011: Call again. Find out I am number 2 on the list. This keeps me surviving.

January 2012 (I think): I left the charity counselling because 2 years of talking has not helped me to manage my PTSD/what is happening now. One day I just said "No I'm not coming here any more", and although the door is open to go back to my counsellor there, I do not want to go back there. Talking seems to make things worse, I have never left a session feeling better than when I went in, that I can remember. At first I think I needed that place to vent and vent and vent, but eventually, I told the same story over and over, or I just spoke about how awful I feel in the here and now. Or introduced things I hadn't shared with anyone and then felt raw. Not like I was healing. Talking therapy didn't work for me, clearly, even though I trusted (as much as I am capable) my counsellor and liked her.

Continuing to feel awful.. A month ago (at least) I called the psych and told her I had only managed to leave the house a couple of times in the last few weeks. I told her I wanted to pour boiling water over my entire body. I didn't know how much longer I could wait. That the 2 years of talking therapy had been ended by myself. That I was about to fail my course (although, like I always do, I said in a cheery way "I will get that sorted though, I have a meeting about it", which is something I do a lot when I feel I am breaking down slowly, I pretend I am ok/feeling really confident about the future)... She asked me questions about my support network basically, and seemed satisfied with my answers, I assured her I wasn't going to kill myself (because I can't inflict pain on the people I love), and she explained how her and her colleagues are struggling with the workload. To "just keep waiting, you shouldn't have had to wait this long, you shouldn't wait too much longer". Oh, and I am still at number 2 on waiting list (someone has been on it about 6months longer than myself, so I am glad I am not them). The therapy, CAT (?), I know very little about what it entails - no idea if it is time limited, no idea if I am supported if I doesn't work or if I will be shoved back onto a waiting list if it is unsuccessful.

So I joined this forum. To try and hold on to sanity and the little strength I have left until therapy starts. Will it ever start?

I want to get better, I cannot stress that enough. I am wasting away (very physically, and mentally). I have tried a bit of self help, but I do not feel strong enough. I feel at crisis point. There is one place I know I can go and feel safe, but it is my final resort, I don't want to go backwards with my life, I want to move forwards. I feel desperate. I do not want to go to that place, unless I really have reached the point where I'm at that bridge and I'm about to jump of it. Then I will go to a place where they will have to help me, because it is the law if someone says they need to be hosipitalised (at least, I think they have a responsibility of care? It obviously doen't feel that way at the moment - it feels like the NHS couldn't care if I live or die, because that is one less client to deal with). In fact, I would only go there against my will. I have seen the hospital, and it is not the environment in which I will flourish. The opposite would happen. Trust me. I'm not saying they are all that way, just the particular one I am referring to, which is where I would have to go based on where I live. It is my idea of a living hell qhich is worse than this current one. Which is why it is the final resort if I get to the point of (almost) no return, to make myself go there, where I can't escape to the bridge even if I wanted to.

(Sidetracked...) I realise it may come across like I haven't done anything to help myself, but in that time (summer 2009 onwards) I have achieved some things. I am saying a lot of "story" and not more about how depressed and stressed I am, and at this point in time even thinking about writing the way I feel down is making all my muscles tense. The people/one thing I have in my life right now, I am starting to lose it all fast (!!!!), and I do not know what to do. The plan I put in place re going to hospital, is not one I want to do. I would do anything other than that. I just really need this therapy to start, I feel so awful.

I cannot say this to my "support network" the psych clearly seems to think is enough for me (I do love them. But feeling like I want to kill myself because I cannot cope, which I have said to only one person whom I love, is not something they are equipped to cope with, not even the very conversation. It would kill them. After saying it to one, I knew I had only done more damage to the person. I didn't want to inflict that feeling of helplessness they had on anyone else). They are not trained to deal with what is happening to me - and neither am I.

I feel I have asked for the help and I have not been listened to. What can I do? If you feel like you can say anything to me to help, please do, and thank you. (Now I have this off my chest I am going to cheer myself up on some of the lighter chitchat places; and watch some tv to hopefully fall asleep. It's 2a.m. here.)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The only thing I can think to say is I am listening. Maybe someone can offer better advice. Just wanted to say that I have read your post and that I am listening.

Take very good care of yourself.

 

[ericaboo]

rainy-daze - I understand - - talking hasn't been enough for me at all. Without someone to say the right thing back - it's just an endless talking and rehashing of the awful-ness.

It's taken me many years to finally hook up with a real therapist who understands how to help me, how to gain my trust and push me to start healing myself.

Don't give up until you find the right kind of help - this site may be a place where you can find some direction toward that end.

I'm hoping for you.

 

[sleepy]

I too am waiting for my apt with an NHS psychiatrist. Firstly I was referred to Mind, who referred me to the PCT counselling service, they phoned me and dragged everything up again, I talked to the counsellor for 90 minutes then he said he would have to speak with his boss, he phoned me back next day and did one of those 0-9 how are you feeling scales with me, then went, he phoned me again next day and said he couldn't 'deal' with me as he had spoken to my Dr and even together they can't deal with PTSD (first diagnosis) and they would probably end up aggravating the situation, he also said he couldn't understand why my GP hadn't recognised this earlier. So, I am waiting too, apparently I have to wait another 8 weeks. I do see why you don't want to go to hospital, I have been there myself, it is not a happy place for me (but, is definately a better place than we take ourselves too sometimes) just please don't get to that point where your so depressed that you don't recognise you need to go to the hospital. Maybe try your GP again, is there no medication you could try short term until your appointment? Maybe they could talk to the psychiatrist and get a better idea on the witing times? Please don't give up, I'm sure it won't be too long

 

[712xx]

Talking seems to make things worse, I have never left a session feeling better than when I went in, that I can remember....

I didn't know how much longer I could wait.

So I joined this forum. To try and hold on to sanity and the little strength I have left until therapy starts.

I want to get better, I cannot stress that enough. I am wasting away (very physically, and mentally). I have tried a bit of self help, but I do not feel strong enough. I feel at crisis point.

There is one place I know I can go and feel safe, but it is my final resort ....

...and I do not know what to do.

Yes, talking doesn't help me either. So far, the only real 'help' I've found is having distractions that my mind is able to focus on and away from how bad I felt. I can't focus on just any old thing; it has to appeal to my senses, personality, and my talents. So, I'd say this might be a good starting point for you. Learning about your non-trauma self is essential. You can't find a proper distraction if you don't know yourself very well. Take a free online personality test (if you haven't already) -- it can give you a general idea where to begin. Then work off that.

Reading this forum is also good. You get a general sense of feeling like you are not alone in the world -- even if you do feel alone physically. Just knowing you are not 'making it up' in your mind, and many many other people in the world feel some of the same things you are feeling right now, can give you a sense of purpose to find the right kind of help -- rather than just taking anything available. If you do just take anything available, it might make you feel worse if it turns out not to be helpful (like talking). You need to know specifically what kind of help you do need. This is where learning about yourself comes in very useful.

I believe you want to get better. I know how that feels to be so desperate for anything that will relieve that inner turmoil -- I was forced to do a lot of unhelpful therapy and medications as a kid ... they nor I knew what would help, so they threw the common things on the top of the list at the mental illness to see what would stick ... talk therapy, role play, hypnosis, desensitizing, group therapy with peers with similar issues, art therapy (this was/is helpful) ..... However, they did all those things with different combinations of medications, so wasn't sure if it was the wrong meds, or wrong therapy. It is all a guessing game.

I didn't learn till I was an adult that my personality type, preferences, and learning style were not typical -- I'm a very atypical person and needed specialized care -- which doesn't exist in a poor rural community.

I had to develop my own way of handling my issues and accept what support that was available, like you may have to at first. And you are right, hospitalization should be your very last resort. When I was an inpatient (many times), the only good thing that came of it was I learned how to make schedules and stick to them (well, I'm kinda haveing a hard time with that right now, but I was doing pretty well for a long while ... and should be able to get back on track here soon I hope.)

Here is a short list of immediate things that might help:
* Make a check list of things to do everyday -- and check them off as you go.
* Put at the top of the list to take a B-complex vitamin 1 to 2 times a day. This will help your focus and motivation (cross my heart).
* Plan your meals and stick to your plan (write it on your list)
* When you get the personality type test results, find other sites that will give you more info for that type
You can even find specific forums for your type (for example my personality type is INTJ, and there are other forums specifically for my type with & without ptsd, and can read about and talk to people like me)
* Tidy up your living area (if it isn't already). Having a clean organized environment might help calm your nerves -- or at least not be a contributor of stress you already feel. Plus it gives your hands something to do.
* Journal, poetry, draw, or can even use trash as materials to do art. Do these things in a meanigful way as an expression for how you are feeling.
* Exercise to music. I have a punching bag. Before I got an official one, I trippled up some garbage bags and filled them with sheets, and hung it in a door way.

Hope any of this is useful. Keep posting if nothing else helps.
Hope you find what you need soon.

--{@

 

[712xx]

^ I forgot to add, maybe looking up alternative medicine or naturopathic treatments for specific symptoms you are feeling may help. Or, you may just be looking for a place that will validate your feelings.

Don't worry about people who can't handle reading those kinds of things -- just indicate in the title or at the beginning of the post that it might be difficult to read. Not all posts here are full of sunshine anyway. If you need to just get it out, just find the proper forum page and let it loose. It might just be the thing that helps. No reason to not try something just because you are worried about other people. There comes a point when you do things for you, and everyone else can worry about their self.

When you are hurting, find ways to take care and be your own friend. That is harder than it sounds, but not impossible. Give to yourself what you are seeking in others (at least till you do find that professional someone). In my experiences, those 'professionals' are not usually what you expect them to be. I'm not discouraging you from seeing professional help, but just gently warning you that they don't have magical offices where you go in miserable and come out happy -- (you probably know this, but just in case you didn't). They are overworked individuals with lives outside their office, and it speeds things along for you if you are able to tell them what you need from them.

Sorry for rambling on, I just wish I could help take away your pain and frustrations by typing a few words -- that isn't a talent of mine, but I wanted to try anyway. :) I can feel your desperation leaping off the screen, and I want to grab it and change it into a more constructive hopeful feeling. There is an end to your pain, just have to find the right path to get there.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Rainy,

Without specifics, where in Scotland are you? East or West?

I am horrified by your story. I had immediate access to a CPN when I first became unwell. When he thought it necessary he arranged an appointment with a psychiatrist who has a special interest in Trauma and I saw him after 6 weeks.

My CPN utilises a combination of talking therapy and EMDR, and I have now been seeing him for over 2 years. I just can't imagine if I were you I would still be waiting. Actually I don't think I would be here. It is my CPN who is in charge, the psychiatrist is just there as a 'back up'. The CPN, GP and psychiatrist email each other about me so they are all kept informed.

I am so sorry you are having to fight so hard, but I guess the professionals see your strength through that fight. However please be honest with them. If you feel suicidal you MUST NOT keep that to yourself.

Best Wishes,
Lucy x

PS if this weather continues you will have to change your name :)

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm so sorry for how you are being treated.

I think you need to go back to the person who diagnosed you and made the initial referral to the psychologist. If this isn't possible, then I would go back to your GP and tell them that you don't understand what is happening regarding your referral. Ask awkward questions like, how long are you supposed to wait and tell them that not having a date to aim for is making your symptoms worse and worse.

I think when things get bad, you have to open up and let people see how you're feeling. I know its not always easy to do that.

Wishing you strength

 

[rainy_daze]

I just read all the replies. I spent a lot of the day crying and sleeping in bed. My partner had to go to work, but when he came home I broke down and I think that I had to, even though I feel guilty for upsetting him. Right now, my partner is cooking me dinner. He says he would fight a thousand radioactive spiders for me (which is a line from a webcomedy I started watching called PsychoGirlfriend, which has made me laugh and that is the best medicine). I need to concentrate on what I have now, not what I have lost. Learn to help myself and shout at the professionals who made promises they couldn't keep.

I haven't been looking after myself and I know this makes things worse, so I think eating more is a good place to start. I'm down to 6stone, and I have never had any issues with food, I love food.

Thank you all so so so so much xx I will properly respond because everyone has been really helpful (Even just to acknowledge you listened, Ayesha, thanks x).

The only appointment I could get with my GP was next week :( but at least I have made one. The receptionists at the surgery are beyond rude. It is very hard to get appointments, even if you say you are having mental health difficulties. I'm from the East btw Lucycat - (yeah, you think our capital city would care a bit more, but they are just stretched too thin, and they took me off the actual trauma specialist waiting list because I "wasn't allowed to be on two at once", even though I am sure the trauma center would have seen me by now, and I'd have just come off the NeverEndingStory list I am on just now if I had started therapy elsewhere).

Talk to you all soon, thanks again, the practical advice and the acknowledgement was what I needed and you have lifted my spirits more than I thought they could be earlier. x

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Rainy,
I did think that might be the case. I am in the West!!!

Maybe I need to find that comedy too.

I am pleased you are feeling a wee bit better. I am off to bed now. Maybe hear more tomorrow?

regards
Lucy x

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I hope that you get the help you need as soon as possible. Sometimes we wait too long in a situation before we act and we are at the end of our rope. YOu have been waiting a real long time.

I'm glad you have a partner and you are not alone. I think keep hanging on tight to every bit of good you have. Try to document the phone calls etc with the health care people so you can give them details.

It is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, you have to keep after them, even if they seem put off by this, it is something you have to do. I am so sorry that it is taking so long. I hope for good results for you. And hopefully by the time you read this you are feeling alittle better. Big hugs.

 

[rainy_daze]

Ayesha, Erica, Sleepy, Lucy, 712, Meadow, Gizmo: Thank you all for reading my post and responding. I really felt like I needed to be heard, and you all heard me, and that was what I needed to keep going for a while.

I have a doctor's appointment this week and I will be honest about how bad I have been feeling. Honest enough so I'm not sectioned though. I am only a harm to myself but would be an even greater harm if they tried to cart me off somewhere against my will (my last resort still hospital, will do anything to avoid that).

People suggested some good things. I'm living from hour to hour just now. My goal for this hour: listen to some happy music. Next hour: eat something/anything (you need food to function). I know I will survive this feeling and get the help I need, but I also realise I have this idea that someone will wave that magic wand and I will be better. Sadly, I need to win the fight myself and I don't feel like I'm equipped with the weapons to stop depression and PTSD ruining me.. but I am hoping I will find the weapons I need to if I can start to think a bit more objectively. And become self-reliant again, which is something I was before PTSD, even if I felt lonely and terrible. At least I was living a life. I would like to go back to normal, or find a way to go back to feeling normal again. I really appreciate the help guys, so glad I don't feel so alone with this now. xx