How much are abusers aware of abuse?

[Scarlet13]

This is a question that I keep mulling around my brain so it must be pretty important to my healing.
I keep wondering how much abusers are aware of abuse.
I am thinking about my mother and I wonder how much she was aware of what she was doing. I don't mean this as an excuse, like she did not know what she was doing and that some how means that I should forgive her. Not at all. I just mean it as a reflection or a means to insight regarding her decisions.
This was a woman who handed a belt over to her boyfriend to hit me with, getting mildly concerned when he was showing too much rage. She was a homemaker, she had a casserole baking in the oven, gardens planted in the back yard. She felt she was the perfect mother, needed to be. Abusive mother did not fit into her mindset. But maybe it did deep down.
I can remember she was watching that scene from Mommy Dearest where she beats her child with a hanger and my mother scrunched up her nose and said, "Well, I am not as bad as her."
What an interesting comment.
As far as my other abusers there were two women who had sex with me at age 4. They were neighbors. Did they think they were abusing me?
Maybe they were saying to themselves, "This is no big deal. These are just games."
Does their ego even let them own abuse and really see it?
My stepfather bullied me and tried to kill me often. But he was vacant in the eyes so hard to know what he was thinking and I dont really care with him.
But my mom is so much apart of me. She raised me to be her basically, so I am always thinking about her and using a lot of awareness in my life. Does lack of awareness cause abuse or only fuel it?

 

[ladee]

This is an interesting question. I know for the sperm donor, he didn't, to him it was his rights. I think my brother knew and that is why he left home and joined the Navy, either that or he got caught. don't know. My mom.... I think there were things she did she felt justified, she had a quick temper and her frustrations were always high. I will always believe my mom had PTSD and was confused about her outbursts sometimes. The things she said to me, were to hurt me. I never saw sadness in her eyes when she was say the things she did. My oldest sister, she didn't care, she simply hated me, and in her mind was justified in everything she said and did....
Other abuse as I got older, were just that, abuse. did they care or know, I was too shut down by then to pay attention. I simply felt it was what I deserved.....

It will be interesting to see others replies.. Like you, I was very enmeshed with my mom. I can forgive her for things because I understand where her pain was coming from. Her erratic behaviors... but none of the rest of them. And do want to mention, I did work on that enmeshment, to learn where she left off and I began.

I know raising my son, that when I was so disregulated, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I always said how sorry I was, but know that only confused him further, because it didn't change. Not soon enough. It's so hard having this ugly mental health disease and knowing I passed it on to my son... The guilt is hard to live with sometimes.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

A while ago I watched a video on child sexual abuse, in which the victim had made drawings of the abuse itself. The drawings showed the child dissociating. But what was interesting it that it also showed the adults as dissociating.

It´s possible that for the perpetrator this is also a traumatizing event. I can´t be sure of that as I haven´t looked to see if there are any "perp" forums. They sure as hell wouldn´t dare show their faces around here.

Abusers often have a very weird rationale that somehow justifies (to them) what they are doing. For example my mother thought (sincerely) that I "wanted" to have the shit beaten out of me. I think they live in some kind of strange delusion that inhibits them from seeing what they are doing.

Does the delusion ever go away? I don´t know.

@ladee I think it´s different in your situation. You were aware of what you were doing which caused you to apologize. I don´t think that most abusers are very aware of what they were (are) doing. If they did, I think they would turn on themselves.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I went to my mother when she was dying, and told her that if she could forgive me, I could forgive her. She didn’t want to talk about it. So she died....

I too wasn’t a great mother, I was a screamer, and had no patience with my daughter. We had good times and bad, but I loved her the best that I could and I always told her I was sorry. It wasn’t enough.

 

[Cannottakethis]

I think my abusers knew they were abusive. I think my ex boyfriend got off on it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that abusers feel entitled to playing out their need for power or to fulfill their fantasies. I think the fantasy life in abusers is highly addictive to them and they need to do more of the same abusing of their victims to find a sick satisfaction.

My abusive parents never apologized to me and they were both very mean people to us kids. I think they had all of the power and all of the rights and just projected what they hated about themselves onto me. I do not think they ever saw or heard the real me, ever.