had a dream i was cutting myself again and it felt good

[William_Peters]

This makes sense to me too. I've struggled for many years as well. It's only been a little while since I last cut. Maybe 3 months, but before that it was probably a year or more. I feel the shame and guilt afterward, but I like the pain and marks/cuts afterward. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else or not. For me, it's like the invisible suffering and pain is made visible and tangible and real.

Thank you for sharing that. What you said about invisible suffering feeling visible and real makes sense to me.

I appreciate hearing from someone who understands the struggle. It can be difficult to talk about these things with people who have never experienced them.

 

[Sues]

It's impossible to talk about this with others that don't understand. No one knows except my therapist, and he is really good about it. He knows it's not suicide, and that it's a coping mechanism.

I was really struggling tonight. I had a bad week, and today was particularly bad.

 

[William_Peters]

It's impossible to talk about this with others that don't understand. No one knows except my therapist, and he is really good about it. He knows it's not suicide, and that it's a coping mechanism.

I was really struggling tonight. I had a bad week, and today was particularly bad.

I am sorry you're having such a difficult night. But I am glad you have a therapist who understands and supports you without judgment. Even though today was especially hard, you reached out and talked about it instead of carrying it alone. Be gentle with yourself, tomorrow is a new day.

 

[beaneeboo]

It has been many, many years since I last cut myself. Two days ago, I had a dream where I was sitting in a chair all by myself, there was no one else around and there was completely quietness. The chair was oversized and so was the knife I was holding. Everything felt big except for me, I was small. I felt a sense of release and peace as I was cutting. When I woke up I felt kind of disappointed as the peace I felt was gone. Now I am feeling the need to get that peaceful feeling again. I put all knifes and sharp objects out of site, but still I have that feeling inside. Does this make any sense to anyone?

Just wanted to say this makes complete sense to me and I understand what you've been experiencing. I also started cutting in 94. Did it off and on for years then haven't for a long time. But the urge to do it? Jeez that's been super duper strong on and off at various points, including recently. Whenever it happens i feel like a failure and, a bit like on a snakes and ladders board, that I've just slid back to the bottom square again.

But then recently I've been reflecting that maybe I'm viewing it all wrong. The urge comes from the memory of experiencing when I used to do it regularly. And it brought me that rush you talk of, and gave immediate release which felt good and a relief. So much so that when things were bad I would literally build time in to my day to get my daily hit. And in doing so, a pathway in my brain and body was forged- the 'How to get immediate relief' pathway. So when things get tough now, it's such an automated go to to feel the urge again.... And that's what I have to remember and tell myself when it happens... this is just a neurobiological response where my nervous system is looking for some sort of stimulation to get the same release. And as such, something needs attention. Just not in the form of hurting myself...

@Sideways suggestions are good ones... the shower one works for me... but mostly just going out for a brisk walk IMMEDIATELY when feeling the urge begin can also just stave off the worst of the urge and buy me enough time not to spiral...

You're not alone with your experience... it's natural despite it being such a hard to topic to discuss openly... maybe a way forward is to be really proactive at finding alternative ways to get that immediate release you need...

Go gently