How Much To Disclose

[nay.elizabeth]

Obviously, many of us disclose to our partners (at our own pace) that we have PTSD and anything else that tags along with it. Many tell their partner what they need from them in order for things to flow smoothly.

My question is, how MUCH do you guys share? Do you discuss symptoms, triggers, what floats through your brain? Do you disclose your self harm, suicidal ideations?

I am asking because I'm torn on whether or not it's worth telling my boyfriend how much I deal with on a daily basis. He knows I have PTSD, he knows why (just about my one rape, not about other possible causes from many moons ago). He's seen my old and more current scars, asked if I just simply scratched myself, but hasn't really pushed for information.

He doesn't know how hard it is for me to live each day, how much I'd prefer to be dead to feel relief, how scared I am of leaving him behind without me, how hard it is not to cut myself to feel like I have control of my body, what he sometimes does that triggers me, how intense my anxiety has gotten.

Is it worth telling him, to feel like I'm being honest, or is it just better to leave it alone? I have a hard time just talking about it at all. He knows I'm on this forum for support and advice and told me he doesn't mind me talking about it. I know deep down he cares and would want to support me through everything but I also don't want to overwhelm him and him think he has to fix me or be a band-aid.

 

[Saria]

I don't know about all the other stuff, since I'm dealing with the same dilemma myself, but I would definitely tell him what he does that triggers you. Also, what I've realized with my boyfriend is that he can be very supportive even without knowledge about everything, if that makes sense. Like, the few times when I actually build up the courage to just say "I'm scared now" or "I'm sad", not much else is needed, and he can sort of comfort the state I am in at the moment. He has told me that it's easier to be supportive of an emotion I'm feeling in the moment, rather than when I tell him about traumatic experiences when I'm not really present.

I guess it's helpful both for you and him that you are honest with each other though, so it's a difficult balance.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

My boyfriend is the same; supportive of my current emotion. For example, the other day, I was having just a rough few hours, feeling very sad. I kept it together but then I just started to cry. He couldn't see me at the initial moment but he started saying he knows I would be a good mom, asked if I'd be willing to adopt since I can't have kids of my own. (I had a hysterectomy a year after my rape mostly to have control of my body because of the rape but my doctor didn't know that was my real reason.)

I just lied there and cried and he asked why I was so sad then just held me and calmed me down. That's all I needed...was just some support and kindness. Thank you for your input, I appreciate it. I'll have to do some serious thinking about it all.

 

[SURVIVING STILL]

Just recently, my boyfriend of almost 6 years out of the blue, dumped me. What the hell?
I can't help but to feel it was because of my chronic problems that he left.
just wish I could find someone strong enough to love me for who I am.

I think that if he really loves you, he will do whatever it takes to understand you and what you go through on a daily bases. It seems that you have been honest with him thus far, so why stop now?
Tell him of the things he does that triggers you. It's only fair (in my honest opinion) to be honest with him.

 

[Saria]

@nay.elizabeth Glad to hear your boyfriend is supportive as well!

I think that if he really loves you, he will do whatever it takes to understand you and what you go through on a daily bases

I agree. Sorry to hear about your boyfriend, Surviving still.

 

[SURVIVING STILL]

@nay.elizabeth Glad to hear your boyfriend is supportive as well!




I agree. Sorry...

Thank you.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

Just recently, my boyfriend of almost 6 years out of the blue, dumped me. What the hell?
I can't...

That is some very unfortunate and saddening news! I hope you are able to find happiness and comfort with whatever happens along the way. You deserve someone supportive and good to you and I hope you can find that.

I'm always up for honesty with my boyfriend, I just don't know what is considered "too much." I will speak with him about triggers and how we can BOTH handle them and communicate on the subject. It's the other stuff I just don't know...

 

[Purplemunchkin]

As a supporter, on the one hand I think it's good to have an idea of what may upset/stress/trigger you as we generally will try to help you manage these.

On the other hand, I would say that there is no need to be overly graphic. We will never truly be able to understand what you have been/are going through. And I can tell you from experience that being told by my boyfriend that he thinks about hurting himself did not prepare me for seeing him smashing his head against a wall.

I really think it is a very personal balancing act between you and your partner. Finding how much you can explain, and how much they can handle/need to hear.

 

[nay.elizabeth]

Good points. He isn't my therapist so disclosing the graphic stuff is probably not a good idea. I don't want him thinking he can fix me, or question me, or see me as fragile and unable to handle things.

I appreciate your response, especially coming from the other side. Balancing the two is hell. I sometimes find myself wishing we'd never gotten together so I wouldn't have to find a way to manage it all. I have to step back mentally to not break up with him to make it all easier.

I don't know EXACTLY what he does that triggers me but there are times where he'll tell me something, or move a certain way, or touch me and the anxiety just shoots through me. It can be simple as giving me a hug, touching my leg, wanting to cuddle, and I instantly want to scream to stop touching me. I feel like if I tell him that, he's going to stop touching me. It's not all the time.

It's conflicting; I want him to hold me to calm me down but I can't stand the idea of being held because it feels like being trapped and stuck.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Can you have a safe word? So he just stops and plays non-musical statues for a few seconds. You can catch a breath, and then move to what you feel is a safe distance, or maybe gently move his limbs into a non-threatening position so you still have the closeness without feeling trapped?

 

[nay.elizabeth]

I guess I could try that. This feels absurd and weird.

"LEMON! LEMON!"