Tonight, we had a conversation about what we could work on in our relationship, and something she said was being more open if the other person says something triggering, and then avoiding saying that in the future.
It's one thing if she says, "I need you too not talk about xyz...." Framing it this way, she is taking responsibility for what she can and can not handle right now without too many self injury urges coming up. It's her responsibility to set the limits and boundaries she needs in a relationship. It can cause secondary traumatization to hear a lot of someone else's trauma prior to being ready and able to handle it. I think she would be smart to recognize certain topics are too hard for her to talk about, and to set a limit around those topics. I have this kind of boundary in one of my relationships. I fall apart when a certain subject is brought up, and I have told the person to please not talk about it for now, and if they do, then I will need to end the conversation. I don't do it because I want them to never talk about it, I just know that I will sink if we do. If I am triggered by the subject, it's my responsibility to handle it. It is the other person's responsibility to respect a clear and specific boundary when it is communicated.
But, if she is saying it like you need to be responsible for her self injury urges, or for her never being upset or triggered, or that you need to be aware of what she doesn't want to talk about prior to her communicating it verbally - none of those things are your responsibility.
I just said that because I read an article on here where they were saying you could only use the word "triggering" if it caused you a flashback, but the way I'm using it is anything upsetting enough to lower your mood or make things harder for you, even just a little bit.
Triggering meaning something that brings up self injury urges or something that is even just a little bit upsetting, it's sort of besides the point. It's her boundary. If she doesn't want to talk about any subjects that are remotely upsetting, then it's still her boundary. It may not be reasonable to expect that nothing talked about in a relationship will ever be upsetting, but it's still the limit she is setting.
Now it's up to you if that is ok for you to have a partner that wants a relationship where the other person has an expectation that all upsetting subjects can always be avoided. If it is not ok with you, then you can tell her that you need a partner who is willing to discuss things that may be hard or upsetting - and it would help if you are able to be specific about what topics you want to be able to talk more about with her - and then you can choose how you will respond based on what she is able or willing to discuss with you.
So I guess what I'm saying is that we're good at being respectful and communicating, but I don't know how much I should limit what I say, because I feel like I already limit it, you know?
It is not going to help if you talk about subjects that she has said she does not want to discuss. If the boundary is unclear, by all means ask for clarification. However, if the boundary is clear, even if you think it is unreasonable, you are not likely to get the support and increase in closeness and connection you are likely seeking by ignoring a well stated boundary and talking about it anyhow.
While you may both be very good at communicating, negotiation and compromise may be areas you both could work on. It may also be a matter of creative problem solving. Perhaps there are different ways to reach both her goals of not being triggered and your goals of being able to share more with her.
