How To Convince My Other Part She Isnt Hated?

[BlueOrange]

Hi @Unsure, I'm really glad that you've asked for help with something that I'm finding really difficult. I'm trying to do what you're trying to do, which is to earn the trust of the parts that set out to hurt me.

The first bit of good news is that I posted about having a part that wants to kill me, and I'm still alive. It's possible to survive. And I'm getting along with myself better than I used to. Folks here have really helped me to help myself.

I'm sad that Joeylittle said things in a way that was hard for you to accept, and I'm glad that you can see that there's some advice worth thinking about in what she said. I'd like for the two of you to get along, but the most important thing is to make sure that you survive the move, and to protect the relationships that are already strong.

I'm glad that you provided reasons for being unhappy with the advice she gave, this can help us to help. One thing that you said was that you didn't want a third person in your car because you didn't want to put them at risk.

I wonder, do you have a friend who could drive your car for you? That might be safest for everyone. I suspect that you might be able to find ways to help them have a positive experience; perhaps there are fun places they could visit in the city when you both get there?

Given how quickly this needs to happen, it does seem like improving your internal relationships is unlikely to happen quickly enough for it to be the best strategy. So finding ways to adjust the plan is looking like a good way to go.

(Is there something that the scared part likes to listen to? Can the trip become a special holiday for the two of you with favorite sounds and favorite foods?)

I know that there are parts of the plan which can't change, and parts of the plan which are difficult to change. It's hard to tell from this distance which is which! It can also be hard to tell when you're really close to the plan and really scared.

Perhaps a social/charitable organization might lend you one of their volunteers for a day? Or help you look at options for adjusting the plan?

It seems to me that you're doing well at handling a lot of scary things; talking about your feelings can be scary, and I want to thank you for that. Please keep on letting us know how you're feeling, and providing feedback on the advice you receive.

 

[Fiadh]

@Unsure, reading your post I have had thoughts of..well you shouldn't fricking drive then. You are responsible for your safety and not putting others at risk of harm. You have identified that a part of you wants you dead, you expressed fears of what this could mean should you drive, and then what? You want other people reading this to encourage you to drive, if it concerns you that much and you feel you have no control then don't drive. Having had seizures at one point I have had to stop driving- and although it was inconvenient to me and frustrating- it meant that other people were not at risk. You have a duty to other road users, to not drive if you do not feel safe.

I'm confused as to why you don't seem to appreciate the impact you could have on another persons life? I don't think suicide is 'selfish' and I hate it when people say it is. We have no idea what somebody's reasons for taking their lives are. But driving with a high risk to self/others is selfish, showing little consideration for others. Maybe it's something to think about when deciding how your going to manage your move.

 

[shimmerz]

Even when I know this, and tell her, she still doesn't understand, because no one ever cared about her, or showed they cared.

Part of the 'part' or 'alter' thing is about establishing who is in charge. Or, who the caregiver is when someone is activated. I am wondering if she is having a bit of a power struggle with your boyfriend as she wants to be in charge when she comes up front.

I have parts too. Parts that want me dead too. But actually, through that thread (I have a parts that want me dead thread as well), what we actually came to in it, and what resonates with me is that my part doesn't actually want me dead. It wants me to be safe and is just not mature enough to understand how to do safe properly.

What wasn't clear to me, and I didn't read all of the thread, was, what patterns are you seeing with this part that make you think that this part of you is seeking safety in unsafe ways? Are you actively suicidal? Self harm? Can you describe?

All that being said, I did travel from Eastern Canada to California 2 years ago. With safeties in place. I had a friend drive with me and then she was flown home. Will your boyfriend be traveling with you (like right behind you) but in a different car? Can you make frequent stops? Can you leave the car phone on so that you can speak to each other and he can help you ground out?

I am also leary of speaking to a part as if they are in charge. I mean, this move for you is different, right? It is a planned move to get to a place that will allow you to take proper care of yourself with work opportunities etc. It is rarely a good idea to hand over power to a part (unless you are DID, which usually means you don't have control of how you flip over). I would state to this part that you have this covered. Leave the part with something that she and you both honour (for me it was a teddy bear) and promise that you will check in with her and she and you can play with whatever it is you share with her.

Again, I can't stress the safety plan option strongly enough. Have you and your boyfriend spoken about measures that can help you keep safe? For me, smoking brings out my grown up, so does coffee. Do you have things that make you feel big that you can take with you on the trip?

Just a few thoughts.

 

[BlueOrange]

@Iriseen , I think you've raised some complex issues in your reply. I'll send you a private conversation request, or perhaps we can start a separate thread.

It's important to recognize that Unsure is feeling hurt and confused right now. If we say things that cause pain, it becomes harder for her to plan and to consider challenging things. In this thread, I'd like for us to focus on assisting the planning process.

I'm not a moderator, but @joeylittle is the chief moderator of the site. Please rest assured that there is a very experienced team working hard to help Unsure and the other people at risk in this situation to be as safe as possible.

 

[joeylittle]

It's important to recognize that Unsure is feeling hurt and confused right now. If we say things that cause pain, it becomes harder for her to plan and to consider challenging things.

Everyone is allowed to express themselves as they see fit - which goes for both you, @BlueOrange, and you, @Iriseen. There's no right or wrong way to talk to someone, here.

It's up to the OP to take what is useful to them, and to leave the rest.

 

[EveHarrington]

@Unsure, reading your post I have had thoughts of..well you shouldn't fricking drive...

This is an awesome reply. Simply awesome.

On this site when someone is suicidal we tell them to go seek emergency help. This is NOT a place to go when in crisis, and yes, this DOES count as a crisis as you're caught somewhere between suicidal and homicidal mode given that one alter wants to kill another alter.

It's really not acceptable IMHO to refuse psychiatric care when in this position and be telling people you're going on the road in a big move and your parts are in a murderous state.

I was once in chat and someone was complaining about not being able to breathe but refused to get help. This FEELS very much the same to me. You're scaring the people here while refusing to do the responsible things needed to ensure your own safety and the safety of THOUSANDS of other people on the road. If we're talking about a long trip, maybe you're putting hundreds of thousands of lives in potential danger.

Really, you're freaking me out. I live in a rural area, yes, but near quite a few major interstate highways (ignore the flag, it has a mind of its own) where people from out of state/area pass through all the time. How am I or how is anyone supposed to feel safe when you're on the road? I don't think you're legally fit to drive and you probably shouldn't have your license.

I'm sorry, but when you care so little about the lives of others, I need to speak up. If you cared about the lives of others you'd give up driving in a heartbeat and not be arguing with us here.

Just as if someone wanted to drive while drunk, people need to stand up and say this is wrong, hand over the keys.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I know not all cars can have a hitch put on (as much as I know anyway) but just like after my PNES (a seziure caused by mental reasons) I was told not to drive for 6 months but my lisence wasn't taken. I didn't drive. I figured out a way to go every place I needed to go without driving myself. Because if I had another seizure while driving, I could kill other people because I was hard headed.

There are other ways out there. Tell your boyfriend you can'r drive and gain help. There isn't just one way to do most things. Most of the time you have several ways to end up at the same place in the end.

It isn't fair to others in the road. Please find another way other than driving yourself! Others are worth it as is your life!

 

[BlueOrange]

If guilt and shame were effective at getting people to do what's good for them, then all of us here would be taking care of ourselves really well. But we're not. Because guilt and shame don't work.

If I accept that others have the freedom to tell people to feel guilty and ashamed, then I'll allow myself the freedom to say "What's your priority here, to help the OP find a way to be safe, or to vent about your own issues?"

 

[Fiadh]

@BlueOrange I think it's wrong to drive, but obviously this person doesn't appear to see it as such an issue. I can't make someone feel guilty for something. Because then they would have had to have seen it as an issue in the first place.

But I do think that this person needs to think about the risk to both themselves and others. I still can't drive due to neurological issues, it's something that I feel passionate about as I've had to think about these potential risks for a long time.

I may have gone a bit off topic. I'm not sure of how to help with 'parts' so will leave it to those who do.

 

[BlueOrange]

My feeling is that @Unsure does see it as an issue, but is struggling to find ways to organize their mind and their activities in ways that are safe.

My read of the message that we're all talking about is that they said "I don't think it's safe for me to drive. But I don't think I have any choice but to drive. So please help me drive safely."

I think that everyone who is replying is basically saying "We don't have a way that we trust, for getting you to drive safely in such a short time. So we want you to find choices about driving, so that you won't put yourself (and others) in danger." The difference is in the way that we communicate that message.

I can relate very strongly to being confused and hurt by people who are trying to help me, and to wishing that I could focus on the helpful messages instead of being distracted by the confusion and hurt. My fear is that Unsure will be confused, hurt and distracted. That they'll spend precious energy defending their self-worth, energy that could have gone into finding travel alternatives.

I think that you and Eve have both raised important issues and concerns that are worthy of discussion. My preference (as 'not a moderator' and therefore someone whose preferences are not binding) would be if those issues and concerns could be raised in a place where they won't distract Unsure.

 

[Fiadh]

But these concerns should distract @Unsure because they are important things to consider. Life is important.

 

[Suzetig]

My fear is that Unsure will be confused, hurt and distracted. That they'll spend precious energy defending their self-worth, energy that could have gone into finding travel alternatives.

From what I can see the OP is very able to say what is and isn't helpful for themselves, I'm not sure what makes it ok for you to tell other people how to post or how another member might read or experience posts on the thread. If you feel the OP might benefit from a different style of response, you're free to offer that.

@Unsure if you seriously doubt your ability to keep yourself safe, for whatever reason, you should really look at other options either for your health care or travel arrangements. It's not unreasonable to think that in your efforts to end your own life that you might take others with you - and the part that you feel wants you dead is still part of you, perhaps with a different thought and feeling process but it's all you albeit fragmented.

You've been given good advice about ways to suppprt that other part to feel safe enough to leave your main part in charge of the move and to have safety breaks, someone close by etc while you travel. You can choose what you try - and in reality it may be a combination of things that work to keep you safe. But you need to take some kind of action here to plan how to manage your safety and the safety of others on the road.

Help doesn't always look the way we want it to but no one is doing you any favours by pouring out tea and sympathy when you're saying you honestly think your life is at risk.