Relationship How To Deal With The Lack Of Compassion?

[Davidg]

I feel the same about my spouse, she is too good for me as I do about my children. I feel so damaged I side, it is an empty feeling, I tried for years to fill it with alcohol, anger and control. When I began recovery for alcohol, the PTSD hit hard and I became hyper protective, my worthlessness and powerlessness, became so overwhelming all I could do was hang on and protect. I love my wife with everything that I am and my children as well. I would lay down my life for them.
I am at my core a very compassionate and loving person. It is the outer me that causes chaos and and hurt. My decision making is often based on not getting hurt and not on what is best for others, it is a horrible way to live. I am addicted to shame and chaos, though I am working to get better, it is still difficult to pause and redirect my thinking. I used to not be able to realize I had hurt until after the damage was done, then grab the shame and feel better.

Compassion and love have no conditions, if I were simply a bad person I would expect no compassion, if I were not trying to recover I would expect no compassion. What I need is for my wife to come along side me and support my recovery, to know that someone loves me unconditionally, that would fill a lot of the emptiness I have. That is love and compassion, if the shoe were on the other foot, I would not hesitate to be there for her. I lack the ability to show love as she needs, the sad thing is that I sat out to heal so that I could not only be better but to learn how to love her as she needs and deserves.

I do not think anyone should be able to use their disorder as an excuse, for me it took a lot of time to first be diagnosed and now to recover. Would it be different if I had a terminal disease? I think yes and in some ways this is terminal, I have contemplated ending my life many times and come very close. Compassion, love and forgiveness are the cornerstones I am leaning on to improve my condition. I hope maybe I said something here that strikes a chord. Be well.

 

[Davidg]

@cPTSDwife Get over it may mean, I cannot possibly deal with any more and need help to process this.

 

[IvyMillie]

I have found that a part of PTSD at least with my hubby is that he lacks sympathy and compassion for any painful thing I may go through. Not always but most of the time. However, in all truth he has a hard time acknowledging anyone else's pain except his own. Of course, it's frustrating, but I've come to accept it as best as I can. He is unable to relate in that way to me or anyone else.

However, as you also mentioned that you know your husband loved you and I know that mine loves me. He just shows it in different ways. So I've tried to just try to highlight those other ways.

It is difficult in a relationship because he can't really handle it if I need to talk to him about something. His response is "I'm just surviving" so he isn't able to help me. Of course, that is really annoying.

We've been married over 20 years and so I guess I've just sort of accepted certain things. No he can't handle real communication or at least the kind I need at times.

In your case it is the fact that he broke your trust that is the real issue. I can understand that he can't understand your feelings, but I guess my question would be is if he is going to change? I mean does he love you enough to realize that that kind of behavior isn't acceptable? As they say the proof is in the pudding. He may be unable to acknowledge your pain but did he change. If he changes than you can take that as he got the message and won't do it again.

 

[butterfly2155]

I completely understand how you feel. When I was 8 months pregnant I found out that my husband, who suffers from PTSD, was cheating on me online with an ex in another state. In addition to the inappropriate pictures he was receiving from her, he was also initiating conversation online and in person with women who he would tell he was single, available and employed. In fact, he was unemployed and married with 3 kids. He had created a new identity he presented to these women he would meet. I was extremely hurt because I did not suspect this behavior since my husband was home every night and attentive. I also wanted my husband to bend over backwards to apologize. Instead he said he was sorry, cut off the communication and expected me to let it go. I have been able to forgive with a lot of prayer and patience and deep breathing. But I have my moments and those days where I am haunted by the messages and pictures I saw. I realized that the situation is sooooo hypocritical because my husband suffers from a condition where he has been traumatized by the pain caused by other people decades ago. He is being treated by a psychiatrist and therapist (which is really helping him) but he seems to think that I should "just get over it". I have found that it is best if I learn as much about PTSD as I can because it really helps me understand why he seems so cold and distant at times. I truly love my husband and have no plan to end our marriage. I have learned to appreciate the times when he is able to show me love. He tells me he loves me, he makes the effort to gain my trust by talking in front of me and sharing his phone and email with me. From the things I have learned about PTSD, I have learned that these are big steps for him. I have learned the art of being quiet. Every thought isn't always expressed. I have some great support from my mom and a best friend who care about him and not judgemental. I hope that you can learn more about what your husband is feeling and how he processes the experiences you two have been through. Learn to recognize your husband's attempts to show you love and respect. Find things like hobbies you can invest your energy into that make you feel good so that you are not only looking for your husband to fill this need. He may not be able to do that but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Good luck and I hope you have some happy days :)