How To Prevent Ptsd From Affecting Physical Intimacy In The Future

[lil_fighter]

At the weekend..I was sitting watching tv, some old war film - nothing special and then this couple starting kissing passionately but it was really over the top heavy breathing..the woman struggling telling the man "oh we mustn't" kind of talk..obviously not being raped or forced but just trying to resist this man..the acting was awful and it was over the top but all the heavy breathing etc. seemed to go on forever and I just had to say to my mum "can you change the channel, quickly please!"

She did and then afterwards I started crying..because I was having flashbacks. The thing is, the 'traumatic event' happened 7 months ago..it's only now Im starting to face it but prior to facing it all I could watch a film or whatever like that and not feel anything..talking about it has enhanced the memories and Im even remembering things I had forgotten about what happened.

It got me thinking about intimacy in the future - the normal kind - and how I will deal with it. I know trust, respect etc. are the usual factors but I want to hear from people who were able to be intimate after being violated in some way and how they dealt with it? As in was the PTSD a major issue with regards to relationships but particularly physical intimacy? is there hope?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I'm not really in a position to answer this. But I understand the reaction to seeing stuff like that on tv.

I've never enquired too deeply, but I think there are people who are able to be intimate after violation. So there is hope.

 

[maddog]

I think this is a really legitimate and interesting discussion, and probably one that many people wouldn't choose to initiate, so thanks for putting it out there.

I'm not in a position to comment either, except to say that as someone who can barely stand to be touched at all, by anyone, for any reason, this question echoes horribly in my mind more than I care to admit.

And hey, it's not exactly something you can practice in therapy is it!!!

Will I be alone forever? Is this as good as it gets?

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, this is just MY opinion, so take it or throw it off a thirty story building, IDC...

But your first battle is finding a guy who isn't just into sex. And seeing how 99.99% of them want that and only that, you're in for a struggle.

I've personally given up on guys as they ALL only want one thing and have no regard for past sexual trauma. It's all about them and how they can get off.

Slam me if you must, but in my real world, this is how it is.

 

[KP the nut]

Sorry SOL, I totally disagree. There are plenty of caring men who are interested in more than sex. Take a good look at some of the men on this forum for a start.

Men (some of them) want companionship and a loving relationship.

(((lil_fighter))), it is still very early days for you. I don't know if it will get better, my trauma isn't sexual but in my heart I believe that over time and with the right man you will manage your symptoms.

Wishing you peace

 

[angel2write]

I wouldn't say it's been easy, but it has been possible.

I guess it comes down to, do you still feel desire? And seven months after the event may be too soon to answer that question.

If you still feel desire, and if the partner you choose really loves you and understands ahead of time that you will have issues in the area of sex, you can probably work it out. One of my friends was raped as a teen. She was up-front with her husband (a very, very gentle man). They didn't consummate their marriage for about seven months after the wedding. But he was patient, and they kept working on getting her comfortable. They have three kids now and a sexual relationship that satisfies them, even if it might not seem perfectly "normal."

I have another friend who eventually gave up sex in her marriage. He has physical issues, she has PTSD from spouse abuse, and they just decided it wasn't a priority. They snuggle, kiss, hug, and share a home together. They love each other. They just don't have sex. They've been together for over twenty years now.

PTSD isn't a death sentence... it's just a big obstacle. And obstacles can be overcome if you're willing to fight for what you want.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I think Angel is right and it does depend on whether or not you have the desire. I do believe too that with the right person who is patient and understanding, anything is possible.

But also my T said something to me once about it taking 2 years to heal from a past relationship and be able to move on. I'm not saying there's a time frame for PTSD and intimacy but I think if it takes 2 years to get over a break up in a healthy relationship, then it isn't so far fetched to think it might take longer for healing from the trauma of assault.

I know some people who are happily married and remark that they're able to differentiate on even a subconscious level from their husband and the traumatic event and so it isn't a problem. But I know some people too, struggle the rest of their lives. I'm not really qualified to classify what the deciding factors are in healing but I do *think* it's possible.

Personally, I have triggers too. There are certain things I couldn't do and still can't because of the flashbacks I have when I try. But with the right partner, I don't think that will be a deal breaker. Personally it's been my experience that the guy friends I've actually told what I've been through are extremely protective of, and sensitive toward my well being. I think it's reasonable to assume that it would be magnified in the right partner and be a strengthener in the relationship, not a deterrent. I think too a good partner would be willing to take the journey toward healing with you and work up to the ability to tolerate and enjoy physical intimacy. Just my hopes and opinions, since I'm in a similar circumstance.

 

[KP the nut]

(((HUGS))), you folk are amazing. :inlove:

 

[lil_fighter]

:) You're right KP they are amazing, it was lovely to read all of the responses.

One positive thing in my situation is that I recognise that this individual I knew who was abusive had 'issues' and that he does not represent all men. In fact, in my opinion he is not a 'man' at all. This has helped me to realise that I don't have to be frightened or scared of ALL men. My father is emotionally abusive and violent and at one point in my late teens (when I met him for the first time) I believed all men were like that, which was quite a depressing thought and is also illogical when you think about it, however; it is understandable that after a traumatic event or certainly knowing of more than one abusive man, someone could be led to believe that. I now realise, despite what happened 7 months ago, that not everyone (thank God) is like that.

Im 23 and think that I need to heal which is an ongoing process. I don't take any notice of guys when I'm out and about, not in the same way as before but I also think it has something to do with self esteem - feeling happy being single, being me. Not relying on another person to make me feel attractive, wanted etc.

Some of these posts reflect the idea that not all men just want sex, marriages where sex isn't a large factor have been mentioned and that is refreshing to hear. To be honest it is a real eye opener.

I think too a good partner would be willing to take the journey toward healing with you and work up to the ability to tolerate and enjoy physical intimacy. Just my hopes and opinions, since I'm in a similar circumstance.

Let's hope so, I like your positive thinking :)

 

[mamachick]

lil-fighter, I think there are a lot of good responses to your questions here. I was violently raped at age 19 (I think). It was my husband. For about 3 years I continued to be married to him, and just agreed to sex anytime after that-I was compliant. I did not get any treatment or address the issue, so it left a different effect than you may experience.

There are nice men who want a real relationship and sex will only be part of it. I think one important aspect is to address is-make sure you have the ability to say "no" when you are not interested. Make sure you put yourself only in situations that you feel comfortable and safe. If and when you meet someone who you really trust and want to be with, with a lot of trust, it is ok to share the importance of the respect that comes with stopping when and if you need.

When I met my second husband, he was very gentle, and his focus was not on sex. Sex was not a large factor and that felt very safe for years. It allowed me to heal and feel very safe with him. After some time, my sex drive returned. When it did, it was evident that he had a much lower sex drive, was much more inhibited than I , etc. Again, I never addressed the issue or got counseling for this and it was only brought up in counseling many years later.

You have the benefit of knowing this was wrong and getting counseling and learning to be true to yourself right now. Assault and agression are not sex. When the time comes that you want to be with someone sexually, you may not even think of this trauma. Listen to your self and be gentle.