How to protect yourself from their negativity ??

[Sunshine71]

It's been a while since I have been on here for various reasons - I do hope all is well in your world or as well as it can be :)

After a tough few years with my PTSD husband we are "making a go of it" and after me trying to be "me" again around him and trying to be affectionate at the moment I am treading on eggshells again, I feel really anxious around him, I have chest pain and feeling well - anxious.

If I mention anything it leads to a massive argument and I am exhausted .

I wondered how partners here protect themselves again the negative vibes that our sufferers put out

 

[NaeNae75]

The first thing I would ask is what are you doing for yourself? Are either of you in therapy? The post is pretty vague, .so it's hard to tell you anything specific, but self care is what will get you through. There's also tons of books and resources that you can learn coping skills as well.

 

[Sunshine71]

We have had PTSD in our lives for about 15 years - my hubby is "therapied out... "

I have read the books....

But dealing with that big black cloud.... walking on eggshells.... draining my happiness.... how can I stop this happening... :(

On a good day well really we just dont see each other....

On a bad day I have chest pains and feel so anxious....

I just want to have that connection again.... or something... some little bit of happiness... look in my eyes.... feel loved my the man I have supported and stood by..... and when I get the courage to say anything..... it ends up in more upset and nothing changes...

Its hard as we have been together so long.

I don't know him anymore....

He is an energy vampire and I only feel myself when he leaves the house.... its terrible writing this.... I just want to feel happy and be with the man I love....

Sorry for the upsetting addition.... its a tough time.... I miss my husband - and he is just a few feet away from me :( :( xxxx

 

[OrangeJulius]

I'm sorry I don't have words of wisdom. But i can certainly relate this:

I miss my husband - and he is just a few feet away from me

You're not alone in your feelings. And no need to apologize.

 

[Friday]

I wondered how partners here protect themselves again the negative vibes that our sufferers put out

Music helps. In the whole art-evokes-emotion thing. It provides a grounding point for me to bounce my emotions off of, instead of getting sucked into someone else’s emotional vacuum.

As does having others to pattern off of. Whether they’re real people, or fictional, the oomphy reminder of who I am & what I love & am all about.

ETA... I forgot, but also chemical distance. Whether it’s a glass of wine or a pint, or occasional meds. Although it certainly gives one pause if one has to take mood & mind altering substances to stay in a marriage, they can also be a nice break during hard times.

 

[Mach123]

It's hard to control once you start fighting im sorry. I have the ptsd in our case but it sounds so familiar. I was doing the vampire thing to her but I wanted her affection all the time so the shoes on the other foot there. We have a real connection but I have been learning how to not be my vampire self (who gets in the way) with her and we are getting along much better. He probably thinks he's being perfectly reasonable has no clue he's sucking the life out of you. My wife tried to tell me for years. I couldn't get it. My sympathies.

 

[Sunshine71]

Music helps. In the whole art-evokes-emotion thing. It provides a grounding point for me to bounce my emotions off of, instead of getting sucked into someone else’s emotional vacuum.

As does having others to pattern off of. Whether they’re real people, or fictional, the oomphy reminder of who I am & what I love & am all about.

ETA... I forgot, but also chemical distance. Whether it’s a glass of wine or a pint, or occasional meds. Although it certainly gives one pause if one has to take mood & mind altering substances to stay in a marriage, they can also be a nice break during hard times.

Thanks thats great real advice :) Sadly music wise he hates the music I like and I dont like his music choice - I do say we dont really have anything in common (on a good day when its not going to cause an argument!) But the reality is its true. xx

 

[Sunshine71]

It's hard to control once you start fighting im sorry. I have the ptsd in our case but it sounds so familiar. I was doing the vampire thing to her but I wanted her affection all the time so the shoes on the other foot there. We have a real connection but I have been learning how to not be my vampire self (who gets in the way) with her and we are getting along much better. He probably thinks he's being perfectly reasonable has no clue he's sucking the life out of you. My wife tried to tell me for years. I couldn't get it. My sympathies.

You may well be right - and I really appreciate your reply..... maybe he doesnt know.... can a big black cloud know when they are bringing everything down :( I wish he wanted attention from me.... its so hard.... with thanks again xxx

 

[OrangeJulius]

I've been thinking about your post more and more and might have a few things to offer.

It's hard to say right now because my boyfriend has been fairly well overall for a few months so I'm not in the pits of it right now. (But come December....maybe I can offer more).

I would not have made it this far in my relationship if I was still the woman I was when we first started dating. Some things that have shaped who I am today are the books I've read and the media I choose to consume.

It started with a subscription to LiveHappy magazine that came free with these skin care products I use. And I started reading the recommended personal development books. They've offered a different mindset to me.

Part of that mindset is being choosey about what I fill my time with. And over a few years I've made little changes that have helped me stay positive throughout the day.

In the car I listen to podcasts instead of gossip-ridden and fear-mongering radio shows. My favorite podcasts are Live Happy Now (go figure), 10% happier, one that my church does every week, and a few educational ones about topics I'm interested in (women's health, history).

On social media I consciously ignore political posts and links and use the "see less of this" options. I "unfollow" friends that post mostly negative things. And I have slowly but surely stopped hanging out with people that exhaust me, are negative, or are 1 sided relationships.

On the flip side, I've made a conscious effort to spend more time with positive people that are supportive and invest the same amount into our relationship as I do. The positive and supportive friends that I like and invest less into me as I do them, I've adjusted to match them. And when things are rough at home I schedule more outings with these people.

I limit myself to 1 hour/day of news consumption....which is just a news podcast that I like bc its not sensational reporting. Just as factual as I've found. Then I have an idea of what's going on in the world without being sucked into the anxiety of it all.

At home if I'm being ignored or things aren't good. I will put earphones in and listen to the music I like or one of my positive podcasts and then its easier to tell myself that he's not interacting with me because I can't hear him.

It doesn't sound like this is an option for your current situation but something that comes up every few months with my boyfriend is he gets so in his head he forgets about me and my needs and isn't great. He becomes accusatory about HIS needs not being met and I point out that I can't fulfill them because mine aren't being met. And I use specific examples of things he could do to meet my needs that would make me able to meet his. And then he has this flip of the switch because he realizes I'm right. But he couldn't see it before because he was too wrapped up in himself. But I haven't figured out how to bring up this conversation without a fight/irrationality on my own. I have to wait for him to call me out so I can call him out. If I see it happening I will consciously stop doing certain things for him so help the process along. (Like a back rub after a long a day....I'm under no obligation to do that...but boy does he realize when they stop coming and speed the process along)

Anyways. Maybe ill have more for you in December. Hopefully at least one thing here will resonate.

Sidenote: @Mach123 I really appreciate your post. Thank you for sharing.

 

[NaeNae75]

I've been thinking about your post more and more and might have a few things to offer.

It's hard to say right now because my boyfriend has been fairly well overall for a few months so I'm not in the pits of it right now. (But come December....maybe I can offer more).

I would not have made it this far in my relationship if I was still the woman I was when we first started dating. Some things that have shaped who I am today are the books I've read and the media I choose to consume.

It started with a subscription to LiveHappy magazine that came free with these skin care products I use. And I started reading the recommended personal development books. They've offered a different mindset to me.

Part of that mindset is being choosey about what I fill my time with. And over a few years I've made little changes that have helped me stay positive throughout the day.

In the car I listen to podcasts instead of gossip-ridden and fear-mongering radio shows. My favorite podcasts are Live Happy Now (go figure), 10% happier, one that my church does every week, and a few educational ones about topics I'm interested in (women's health, history).

On social media I consciously ignore political posts and links and use the "see less of this" options. I "unfollow" friends that post mostly negative things. And I have slowly but surely stopped hanging out with people that exhaust me, are negative, or are 1 sided relationships.

On the flip side, I've made a conscious effort to spend more time with positive people that are supportive and invest the same amount into our relationship as I do. The positive and supportive friends that I like and invest less into me as I do them, I've adjusted to match them. And when things are rough at home I schedule more outings with these people.

I limit myself to 1 hour/day of news consumption....which is just a news podcast that I like bc its not sensational reporting. Just as factual as I've found. Then I have an idea of what's going on in the world without being sucked into the anxiety of it all.

At home if I'm being ignored or things aren't good. I will put earphones in and listen to the music I like or one of my positive podcasts and then its easier to tell myself that he's not interacting with me because I can't hear him.

It doesn't sound like this is an option for your current situation but something that comes up every few months with my boyfriend is he gets so in his head he forgets about me and my needs and isn't great. He becomes accusatory about HIS needs not being met and I point out that I can't fulfill them because mine aren't being met. And I use specific examples of things he could do to meet my needs that would make me able to meet his. And then he has this flip of the switch because he realizes I'm right. But he couldn't see it before because he was too wrapped up in himself. But I haven't figured out how to bring up this conversation without a fight/irrationality on my own. I have to wait for him to call me out so I can call him out. If I see it happening I will consciously stop doing certain things for him so help the process along. (Like a back rub after a long a day....I'm under no obligation to do that...but boy does he realize when they stop coming and speed the process along)

Anyways. Maybe ill have more for you in December. Hopefully at least one thing here will resonate.

Sidenote: @Mach123 I really appreciate your post. Thank you for sharing.

This is very similar to much of the stuff I started doing for myself too. It has become an integral part of my life. I still have days that I dis regulate, but much less than ever. To be fair, I had a freight train of crap hit me recently that derailed me, before that, I was chugging up the hill; slow, but on track.

I listen to scores of audiobooks. Everything by Brene Brown, I just bought the new book from Brian Amen on Brain happiness, Jordan Petersons latest book, Gay Hendricks Conscious Living and Conscious Loving....both AMAZING, and You are the One You've Been Waiting For by Richard Schwartz (the developer of "Parts Work") I recommend any/all of them. It really helps you realize you can only work on yourself, and let that energy bring out the best in supporting your partner. Full self accountablility, but without beating yourself up.

It's a rough ride....and sometimes thankless, so take care of yourself.

 

[Sunshine71]

I've been thinking about your post more and more and might have a few things to offer.

It's hard to say right now because my boyfriend has been fairly well overall for a few months so I'm not in the pits of it right now. (But come December....maybe I can offer more).

I would not have made it this far in my relationship if I was still the woman I was when we first started dating. Some things that have shaped who I am today are the books I've read and the media I choose to consume.

It started with a subscription to LiveHappy magazine that came free with these skin care products I use. And I started reading the recommended personal development books. They've offered a different mindset to me.

Part of that mindset is being choosey about what I fill my time with. And over a few years I've made little changes that have helped me stay positive throughout the day.

In the car I listen to podcasts instead of gossip-ridden and fear-mongering radio shows. My favorite podcasts are Live Happy Now (go figure), 10% happier, one that my church does every week, and a few educational ones about topics I'm interested in (women's health, history).

On social media I consciously ignore political posts and links and use the "see less of this" options. I "unfollow" friends that post mostly negative things. And I have slowly but surely stopped hanging out with people that exhaust me, are negative, or are 1 sided relationships.

On the flip side, I've made a conscious effort to spend more time with positive people that are supportive and invest the same amount into our relationship as I do. The positive and supportive friends that I like and invest less into me as I do them, I've adjusted to match them. And when things are rough at home I schedule more outings with these people.

I limit myself to 1 hour/day of news consumption....which is just a news podcast that I like bc its not sensational reporting. Just as factual as I've found. Then I have an idea of what's going on in the world without being sucked into the anxiety of it all.

At home if I'm being ignored or things aren't good. I will put earphones in and listen to the music I like or one of my positive podcasts and then its easier to tell myself that he's not interacting with me because I can't hear him.

It doesn't sound like this is an option for your current situation but something that comes up every few months with my boyfriend is he gets so in his head he forgets about me and my needs and isn't great. He becomes accusatory about HIS needs not being met and I point out that I can't fulfill them because mine aren't being met. And I use specific examples of things he could do to meet my needs that would make me able to meet his. And then he has this flip of the switch because he realizes I'm right. But he couldn't see it before because he was too wrapped up in himself. But I haven't figured out how to bring up this conversation without a fight/irrationality on my own. I have to wait for him to call me out so I can call him out. If I see it happening I will consciously stop doing certain things for him so help the process along. (Like a back rub after a long a day....I'm under no obligation to do that...but boy does he realize when they stop coming and speed the process along)

Anyways. Maybe ill have more for you in December. Hopefully at least one thing here will resonate.

Sidenote: @Mach123 I really appreciate your post. Thank you for sharing.

What an amazing post OrangeJulius - so many super ideas and I hope I and others can take on board... thank you so much for this xxxx

 

[Never_falter2]

Reading this I wonder if there is also good things about the relationship...