How to stop being violent

[Name]

Hi everyone,

I was kicked out of my mom's apartment a month ago for hitting my dad. He laughs at my childhood sexual abuse. He is mentally ill. He genuinely thinks it's funny. He has laughed or mocked or berated me for a decade. He even laughed when I hit him.

I stayed with my brother who I don't get along with well for a few weeks. He started getting very irritated and our only interactions became him cursing me out every day, and so after 3 weeks he decided to kick me out. I wasn't sure if he was serious or not. Later on in the afternoon after he told me to be gone by the next day, I asked to talk to him and asked him to stop cursing at me. He responded by cursing at me more, telling me to get used to it, he wouldn't apologize. We started arguing and it became evident to me he'd rather see me on the streets and was serious about kicking me out. I became frustrated and scared and hit him because I realized he doesn't care about my well-being.

I have since lived with other people short term. My dad went on vacation last week, so my mom allowed me back. We went 8 days without incident. Three days ago she started throwing out my stuff and reminding me how unwelcome I am. I did not respond. Today she walked in on me unexpectedly while I was making lunch (usually on Sunday she is gone until late afternoon). She was angry at me for not communicating with her. I've tried to hold my tongue and say as little as possible to prevent fighting. She told me she was going to throw out my pots and pans and rice cooker soon. I felt scared when she said that because I use those every day and consider them necessities, and scared of how helpless I am being homeless again. We started arguing and I dumped the recycling bin on the floor and dumped her button jar on the floor. I picked up the recycling when she told me to pick it up. I went upstairs to my room and stayed there until now while she is asleep.

1) I have identified my triggers. One is my dad period for laughing at my sexual abuse.

2) Cursing at me when I've expressed my needs, and threatening homelessness.


3) Throwing out my few possessions that I use every day, and threatening homelessness

How do I make it another few days or a week without freaking out again. How do I manage my anger. I'm trying to get everything sorted. I have been to a youth shelter that has housing assistance programs 4 times in the past week. I'm waiting in them to contact me.

And also, someone talk me out of throwing out my mom's dishes if more of my stuff is gone tomorrow.

 

[shimmerz]

How do I manage my anger.

I am not certain that you can manage your anger while you are 'in it'. And it sounds like there is a ton of really nasty stuff being thrown at you. The only thing that I can suggest is that you are being manipulated - people want to make your reactions the cause of you being thrown out and they know how to trigger you up - so they do so. They get you into a rage, then have a good reason to have you move on.

Do you have any resources - shelters in the area, a friends place that you can keep your stuff in, a job, a person you can talk to honestly about this stuff?

I am guessing you are in survival mode right now, so expect that your cognition to be down a bit. Having someone who is a trained social worker, therapist or a friend who is not so emotionally attached to the outcome would be a great way to check your thoughts for accuracy prior to your reacting.

I am really sorry you are in this position. May I ask what age you are?

 

[Name]

I am not certain that you can manage your anger while you are 'in it'. And it sounds like there is a...

I have a job. It's possible I could keep my stuff there or at my senile grandma's house. I don't interact with most of my relatives because I am queer and they are unsupportive. I am 21. I don't have any close friends, but I have some okay friends who know what is going on.

I have a therapist. His goal as of the last time I saw him was to try to get me to move back in with my mom, finish up my degree at community college, and move out in 2-3 years. He is concerned about me hitting my mentally ill father because he doesn't want me getting arrested. He says it is harder sometimes when someone cannot do things I need, because there is no obvious solution and it might not ever get resolved in a way I want. He also says I can't expect to talk to my parents about serious things like sexual abuse if I can't talk to them about less serious stuff. He wants me to do family therapy with his officemate who he says is really, really good.

I have been contacting a youth shelter. Because I have a part-time job, I may be eligible for a program they have that helps me find an apartment and pays some of my rent. I am going there again this morning. I want to get their social workers to talk me out of throwing out my mom's stuff. I don't make enough money to live on my own. I'd have to find a second job, and probably drop out of school for a bit.

In hindsight, I think my mom might have been manipulating me. She might have gotten angry I wasn't talking to her, and responded by doing something she thought would get me to speak to her. When it didn't work, she escalated it. I don't know if my dad and brother were manipulating me. My dad lies about almost everything, so I think he could have been. My brother could have been. Regardless, he was being unreasonable. He was cursing me out for going to the bathroom too frequently!

I guess it feels validating to hear that maybe I can't control it while living here. It's not what I want to hear. My family frequently responds to me by saying they can't control themselves or can't help reacting the way they do (said without a trace of remorse). I kinda think violence is something that can be controlled, because most people aren't constantly attacking each other and will stop being violent after a certain amount of damage is done (they'd rather not kill someone). So it is a reaction meant to control another person. Maybe in my situation, the goal is to express my needs. I am pretty good at expressing them, and when they are disregarded... I get violent. When I am triggered, it is hard to stop. My mom started hitting me yesterday and I didn't hit back, so that is good. I think her hitting me while I was leaving the situation was an attempt to goad me into fighting back, at which point she would call the police and have been taken away.

Well, I guess I don't know what more to do. I'm struggling. I've contacted the shelter and I remade my resume. I can start bringing my laptop with me so it can't disappear. It's the only valuable thing I own.

Now it is just waiting. I will try to go back to being silent and avoiding my family. I have therapy on Wednesday.

 

[void]

@Name(guest)

Your family is extremely ill and toxic.

You did not make them this way.

You will NEVER be able to change them.

You may have to have no contact with them at all.

I have done that. I had no choice.

I could not heal with them in my life.

You must save yourself from them.

Peace.:hug:

 

[Friday]

For myself, it's all about discipline & self control. No one can make me do anything, even if it's a split second reaction, there is still -at some point, however brief- the decision made to act or to let go of my self control.

I had to learn this through panic attacks. I'm not the jump-scare kind of person. I'm the lash out kind of person. Fight over flight. And then I've refined it with anger and rage. No matter what the provocation I can -not saying I always do or have, but can- temper my tone, my voice, and my actions.

This post here >>> Dealing with anger <<< has a lot of tips, tricks, & shortcuts in it.

 

[Sideways]

Glad to hear about the youth shelter program- I hope they can find alternative living arrangements for you.

Recommend @Friday 's link about managing anger. It's not ok for your parents to treat you the way they have been, but by the same token, it's also not ok for you to resort to violence, yeah?