How To Support Father With Major Depression

[Deleted member 19804]

My Dad has been unemployed and depressed for almost 4 years and my parents' marriage is suffering badly. My mother is on the brink of over-tension but she has to keep working in order for them to keep the house. My Dad's also currently on heavy medication for a physical illness, which holds him back even worse and doesn't allow him to use antidepressants.

I have PTSD myself and I'm a fulltime student with a job 16 hours a week, but I want to help my parents out. Especially my Dad. I'm afraid that if he loses Mom he might hurt himself and that thought terrifies me.

He is very stubborn and will never ask for or accept an offer for help, so I would have to just do things for him. But as his daughter of course I should not baby him or anything like that.

What can I do to help my dad? Can I do anything to save my parents' marriage?

 

[joeygn72]

If he's not asking for help then isn't trying to give help kinda futile? I think offering to help is different than giving it. Ask yourself what you can do to help.You certainly have enough on your plate without exerting energy to a situation that won't be accepting of the effort. I have found some situations are like trying to run with an anchor and exasperate my symptoms.

There is a fine balance in my life that has to be achieved and maintained. Even at that when I find it there are shifts that take place and I have to act accordingly. I believe very much in if I don't take care of myself I won't be good for anyone else... I'm sure you're thinking "what the hell does this have to do with what I asked".. My advice is first take care of you!! I am sure you want answers 'partly because you're asking questions' and I hope I have offered something in the way of a solution. I don't want to offer "answers" I'd like for you to find them for yourself. All I have is my experience...Peace

 

[franciemarnie]

I agree with @joeygn72 - take care of you. That's the best thing you can do for you, and your parents who sound like they can't do much for you at the moment.

You cannot save their marriage. They have free will to do what they choose.

If anyone I love is depressed, the best I can do is say I love them and if there is any way I can help, I will.

But really - you need to focus on healing yourself. If your well being is dependent on how they or anyone else is doing, you will go up and down all your life.

I wish things were different for you now though. It sounds very stressful.

 

[Changing4Best]

The best thing you can do is to do well in School, so they can be proud of you. The next best thing you can do is be there emotionally and physically for your mother. Listen to her, give her hugs if she will accept them. She has a lot on her plate right now and she needs your support. If your father will not accept help, there is nothing that you can do about that. You can pray for him though! That is the only way I can think of that you can help him.

 

[BloomInWinter]

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself, and just love them as they are. Hug them, tell them how important they are to you, how much you look forward to having them in your future.

Help them see down the road if you can. Ask your dad what he's planning on telling your future partner on your wedding day. What his favorite memory of you is. What his hobbies were growing up.

We can't fix anyone else, but we can just stand alongside them. We can remind them how important they are to us, what our happy memories of them are (to help them remember), how much we need them in our lives.

Drag out the picture albums and share your thoughts with no judgment that things are different now. If there's just a box of pictures, sit next to them and write down their memories on index cards and make a scrapbook together.

Ask for their help with your daily struggles. Depressed persons sometimes get a reprieve from their sadness by helping someone else.

Seek help for yourself, and set realistic expectations. "Make him happy" is not a realistic expectation because we can't make anyone feel something they aren't feeling already. But, "letting him see that he makes me happy" can be realistic. We can smile, hug, give safe touches, bring a warm drink, make a drawing...or just ask to sit near and read if they wish for quiet.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Please continue to take good care of yourself. If you are not good, then you will not be good for your dad and mom.

Some people have to hit rock bottom before they will go for help. It is your moms responsibility to take good care of herself so she can face and deal with the issues between her and your dad.

I empathize with you because it is so sad and tragic to watch this going on. Do something fun after you are with your parents.

Also these issues may be covering other issues they have never dealt with before.

As for your dad hurting himself if your mom dies is a what if thought and will only stress you out and this is a situation that is out of your control leaving you feeling powerless and helpless.

Your mom needs to be the one telling him that he needs help.

One thing I thought of and it is up to you, but tell him how you were depressed and what you did about it.

Gettng older is a season we all have to go through and work through.

Hugs.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words. It really means a lot to me.

I realise that I can't just take over my parents' marriage, but like @gizmo pointed out, I have these what if thoughts a lot. What if things do go wrong?
I know it's silly to think I can just glue my parents' marriage back together, but what if I can make that small difference that keeps everything from falling apart? I don't want to live with the feeling that I could have done something but I didn't. You know? It's so hard :(

I also really appreciate all your tips and support. I like the idea of childhood remeniscing and asking him for help. Dad tends to think that he's not important, but he really is. And so is Mom. They have raised me with so much love and support and they mean the world to me. I want to give something back, as I am very grateful for all they have given and done for me.

One thing that I find particularly hard is that my mom sometimes shares her irritations about my dad with me (and vice versa). Of course I want to support her and listen to them; I love Mom and Dad equally. Which is why I just don't know how to respond: if I agree I betray my father, if I disagree I betray my mother and if I keep quiet I hurt myself by carrying it around.
Is it overly sensitive of me to feel uncomfortable with them discussing the relationship problems with me? I don't want to be selfish.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What you are experiencing is called Triangalin. Instead of talking to each other they are using you to dump on which is very unhealthy for you. I think it is time to set some limits and boundries and refuse to be sucked into their drama with each other.

This went on in my family so much and it is a very difficult problem to deal with so my heart goes out to you.

Somehow you have to find a non defensive response that says I am sorry you feel like that, and change the subject. Just a suggestion.

I am so glad you love both of your parents so much.

Somehow you have to find a way to get out of the middle of them and let them talk to each other. I wish you the best on this one. This kind of problem is going to tear you apart and I agree you cannot carry their issues.

 

[Justmehere]

I agree with all the good advice here. I also agree with @gizmo - your mother is trying to triangulate you.... I think it's actually a good thing that you feel very uncomfortable about it. It's not healthy for your mother to complain about your father. I would suggest maybe telling her that you want them to stay together and that you feel uncomfortable being in the middle. And then keep up your work to keep very good boundaries and take care of you first and foremost.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

When I first read your comments about my mother trying to triangulate me, I felt a little shocked. My mother wouldn't do such a thing, would she? But I think you are right, though I am convinced she doesn't mean any harm.

My parents are already in couples' therapy. I just wish they would go there more often and that my dad would also go by himself at least once a week. He's told me their therapist is really sharp (which is necessary, because of his extreme stubbornness and lack of self-insight), so I don't see why he doesn't go there more often. He needs and deserves all the help he can get.