Relationship How To Walk Away...

[roxyripscurl]

I am sufferer and have recently been diagnosed with PTSD.

My partner and I started having issues about 8 months and it all now make sense why. I have been distancing myself and have been wanting nothing but space. I recently realized that I no longer want to be in this relationship and want just want to be on my own.

I am just now starting to heal from child sexual abuse and want to heal on my own and for my own purposes - not for the sake of the relationship. I am having issues communicating these thoughts because every time I start to share my feelings, my partner tells me that I am not in the correct frame of mind because I have just been diagnosed with PTSD.

My partner tells me that all I need to do is go through therapy and then decide how I feel about the relationship. IDK, I know I have issues with not knowing my feelings but I am sure that I no longer want to be in this relationship not because of my PTSD but because I have fallen out of love or at least I think I have fallen out of love.

This is where I get confused.

 

[JohnJohn]

Roxy,

The specifics of your relationship and what is best for you is you decision alone. Everything here is an opinion and if you are looking for one I believe you will find one, but it certainly will not be as informed as the one you may have or can come up with.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, nothing is perfect and trauma only makes things harder, not impossible. You can have a relationship if you want, you are not broken and can find happiness. In my experience my loved one has a past trauma and a compromised communication style because of it. Therapy is helping her and I both right now and in time we will see where we are at with our relationship. Answers do not and will not come quick with us and likely others. It feels as though love is not a priority when my wife is in crisis and I am sure it would not be anyone's priority either, our mental survival may be in peril after all.

The bottom line for me and perhaps may others, from my perspective, is this. We have a lot on our mental plate and can only handle so much at a time. Healing takes time and people that care for sufferers balance doing the best they can while taking care of themselves too. I don't expect my wife to contribute as much as I do towards the relationship, because I want her to focus on getting better for our daughter, her family and herself. She maybe in the end still leave us, but she still needs to heal with love and support. If I walked away too would she really have the best opportunity to heal? Maybe, but this way she knows everyday along the path to recovery she is not broken and can live, love and be happy again.

There is always hope for you and everyone. Things may be hard, dark and full of hardships, but you and everyone are worth the effort. Take care, empower you self and understand why you feel the way you do. You are not alone in pain and you are never without love and compassion.

 

[ProudWife99]

Your confusion is warranted, roxy. PTSD rarely lends itself to logic and clear thinking!

About 6 months ago my husband decided he didn't live me anymore. He searched for divorce attorneys while speaking with me, calm as ever. He just didn't feel love for me anymore and thought that meant he should end the relationship. Two days later he was back in therapy trying to understand how he could feel nothing for me one day and then wake up the next day and love me like nothing changed. She told him as he was dealing with his symptoms, they left no room for him to feel much of anything else.

Today I know he would say he is thankful he didn't actually file for divorce when he thought about it. He is thankful I allowed him time and space to get clarity and perspective. I am not at ALL saying this is what will happen to you, only that confusion is definitely a reality of PTSD.

I wish I could take a little trip into your heart and TELL you exactly what is going on in there. I wish I could offer more in the way of advice. I just know how awful it feels to feel alone, or weird, or like what I'm going through makes me so different then anyone else.

You are not alone. You don't have to be "alone" in how you feel again.

 

[roxyripscurl]

Yeah this is not fun at all. I commend both of you for staying with your partners and seeing it through. But you are both right in that I have to look deep into my heart and ask myself if this is what I want right now. I don't want to put my partner through this. We have been together for six years now and I no longer want to keep them from having the family they deserve. I understand in that she wants me to go through therapy and "heal" myself and then make a decision about the relationship but thats not fair...we both don't know how long it will take for me to heal myself. I also don't want to commit myself right now because I am unable to do so. I honestly rather just be alone and do the healing on my own. Regardless, I will continue therapy and that will not stop. But I don't think I can stay here.

 

[ProudWife99]

I wasn't at all suggesting you do something that is not in your best interest. I think it takes strength, courage, and compassion to make a difficult choice like that.You are right, no one can make it for you.

Take care of yourself!

 

[roxyripscurl]

JohnJohn,

Its amazing that you are willing to see it through. My partner is the same way and she has told me the same thing. I don't think I can put her through that. I honestly don't even know if I love her any more.

My heart is telling me that I no longer love her and that I need to be alone, in no relationship to deal with my PTSD. I have tried telling her this but she will not let me go until I go through therapy, heal and then tell her, from my true self that I no longer want the relationship.

I just don't want her to give up her dreams, waiting for my "true" self to come out and tell her that I no longer want that relationship.

 

[JohnJohn]

Roxy,

I have been in law enforcement for 15 years now and I have experienced some major tramatic events. We all face adversity in different ways and I handle things differently, like everyone else. I believe I get by with my wife's situation, like with everything else, by accepting a certain level of loss of control over the situation. I can not make her better anymore than I can bring the child back to life at a crime scene, but what I do control is my Outlook and determination to create as safe and loving environment for those I can help.

She is the mother of our daughter and I choose to love her. She can not change what she was exposed to or how she percieved the event. But she, like anyone else who needs assistance, deserves an opportunity to live and love without some negative influence hijacking their right of free will. She may not return as she was or decied she needs a different path, but I feel we owe loved ones an opportunity to return to a relationship they at one time choose freely. If we walk away too readily I believe we further hurt loved ones by validating their belief they are damaged or disfunctional.

No one is a lost cause. Life is full of tough spots and that is never a good time to leave a wingman. So, until loved ones are back on their feet we support them because that is all we can do until they come back or walk away, either way it is their choice and their freedom to choose.

 

[roxyripscurl]

Roxy,

She may not return as she was or decided she needs a different path, but I feel we owe loved ones an opportunity to return to a relationship they at one time choose freely. If we walk away too readily I believe we further hurt loved ones by validating their belief they are damaged or dysfunctional.
.

JohnJohn,

This is well said. If I may ask, has your wife every attempted to leave you? If so how did you handle it? Also, the space that you have given her, what does that look like in your relationship?Hope you don't mind me asking these questions. I just don't know who else to talk to right now. So thank you for taking the time to share.

I'm afraid that I told my partner last night that I may no longer be in love with them. I honestly don't know if I am doing it to save them from the pain or I'm actually telling them the truth. I thought I was thinking clearly but now, I don't know.

 

[JohnJohn]

Roxy,

No problem with the question. My wife moved out a couple of months ago. She stopped telling me she loved me a moth or so before that. We are both going to domestic abuse therapy, her for violence in her first marriage and me to understand this and make me a better person too.

She is having a very rough time of it and has never been a good communicator. I went with what she told me and her image, unfortunately it was not an accurate presentation. The therapists are helping me understand, since she can not tell me and I need to stop "interpreting" her (that's what I use to do because of no communication that I understood).

One thing I know is that she needs is time to get her own voice. She learned a long time ago to be quiet and she thought that's what relationships are for women. Unfortunately she felt oppressed by me and silenced herself.

What I am doing is letting her be as free as she wants. I hate every second of doing that because I am a hands on kind of guy. But, I owe her the opportunity to find herself and path. Besides, it is no way for either of us to live when I can not do things that trigger her past (walk on egg shells) and her to live with past traumatic memories.

My opinion on why my wife does not love me is that to love someone means that you care for them enough to where you elevate their emotional needs and sacrifice some of your own. Now right now she is in survival mode and loving me or anyone does not help her sense of identity or mind remain sovereign. Once she understands things and empowers herself to be in control then she can learn to cope with trauma and her relationships. Until then I am not a priority.

Does that hurt yes, is it necessary yes, will she heal maybe and does she deserve the chance to live absolutely.

 

[roxyripscurl]

Roxy,

Now right now she is in survival mode and loving me or anyone does not help her sense of identity or mind remain sovereign. Once she understands things and empowers herself to be in control then she can learn to cope with trauma and her relationships. Until then I am not a priority.

Does that hurt yes, is it necessary yes, will she heal maybe and does she deserve the chance to live absolutely.

JohnJohn,

It break my heart to hear this and to know that someone else out there is going through a similar but different situations in many ways. We recently got married 8 months ago and things started to fall apart since then. And all I want to do is just run away. I do want to get better. I am going to therapy, reading, and just discovering what I guess is "feelings". I didn't realize how numb I was. It saddens me really. You know the nursery rhyme, Humpty Dumpty? That's how I feel. I have therapy today which is good.

Thank you for being strong for her.

 

[JohnJohn]

You hang in there too. I hope my wife aggressively seeks help too. We have so much, including a child. I don't want to walk away without a fight and it is turning into a fight for our little family's life.

All of this is my opinion, but I hope your supporter is trying to understand the situation too, otherwise resentment and torment will begin to enter her mind with this too.

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Roxy,

Reading this thread has been tough, both you and JJ from different ends of the same rope.

Reading about your situation now, I am wondering why you got married when you did?

(BTW my first marriage lasted 7 months)