Huff Post Article About Being Lonely In Your Marriage

[Lonelymarriage]

"My light went out"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carly...hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce&section=us_divorce&

I am lonely in my marriage. I am too scared to change anything.... I care for my husband but this isn't what I had hoped my marriage would look like. It isn't all his fault.... However, he has issues...big ones...

 

[Ede]

Does one of the two of you have PTSD? And if yes who of you? And in regular (trauma-)therapy?

 

[Una]

Hi, Are you someone who has PTSD or does your partner have PTSD? Is your husband willing to work on healing?

 

[Lonelymarriage]

I do and I am in therapy. No way can I share with my husband what happened to me as a kid. He would use it against me if the opportunity came about. I didn't realize I was lonely in my marriage or that I could even want for anything in a marriage until I had been in therapy for a while. I thought I was supposed to just give and give and get nothing in return because I wasn't worthy of love and happiness. It's crazy how abuse can twist our sense of worthiness so much that we accept whatever someone dishes out...even if that dish is crap on a plate. I am far enough along in my journey to be present in my feelings now and know that I am lonely. 5 years ago I am not sure I knew or understood. I feel like I have not been authentic in my life and I am not brave enough to leave.

 

[Lapo]

Hi,
Are you looking for specific advice, or support?

 

[Lonelymarriage]

I dunno... I just read the article and felt like I had to get it out of my head (even though I posted anonymously). It is almost like typing it gives me some relief. However, I feel incredibly selfish and sad that I think this way. What if my expectations of him are unreasonable? What if it is just me and I can never be satisfied? What if I just bring out the worst in him? Maybe I could work harder? I don't know.... All I do know is that I am lonely. Before I started my "healing" adventure I dissociated so much I just lived in oblivion. In some stretch it was easier....

 

[Lugabi]

Well IMHO if a guy is going to use your trauma against you, he isn't a good guy, let alone a candidate for lifelong partnership. You can become the perfect partner and it won't ever change the fact that this guy can't be trusted. I think life is to short to spend it with people liked that.

 

[Lonelymarriage]

Well IMHO if a guy is going to use your trauma against you, he isn't a good guy, let alone a candidate for lifelong par...

I don't have a good feel about what relationships are supposed to be like... Doesn't everyone use things as ammunition? I don't only because I know how badly it hurts so I just choose not to do that. I just don't know what my expectations should be. Fairy tales don't work well in my mind bc they don't exist so I don't waste time thinking marriages are like that. All I know is that I don't feel secure and I am lonely. His response to everything is I am ridiculous.... I am sure the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I am too chicken shit to change... I don't feel like I have a lot of options...

 

[Gugaseg]

I see much black and white thinking.

No not all people save up this stuff to use as ammunition, but that doesn't mean it's a fairy tale relationship either.

 

[Duronon]

Me being me and all, I've felt this way in both past marriages... there were points of no return and it was more simply awaiting a decision from myself. I love the article, apt indeed. It took a lot of internal soul searching to truly know who I am, what I want, what I don't want, and then not settle for anything less for any prolonged time in my future. Speak up! That is one simple lesson I discovered. Without honesty, nothing has the chance to change.

 

[Lonelymarriage]

Then there is this article and it really shocks me how similar the descriptions are to my husband.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-a...ociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

 

[Ebojaz]

Then there is this article and it really shocks me how similar the descriptions are to my husband.

People read things like that and lose focus of what those terms mean, amongst all the traits that every person on the planet exhibits at times within their lives, and even some ongoing due to their behaviour, yet none of which make those people psychopaths or antisocial.

A personality disorder is an enduring pattern of personal experience and behavior that deviates noticeably from the expectations of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to personal distress or impairment.

Often a person has to remove themselves from bias towards toxic relationships. Peoples behaviour in relationships when they become toxic can and may mimic nasty behaviours, yet none of that makes anyone psychopathic or antisocial. It makes them a lot of choice words you could use, yet if removed from the toxic relationship, they often change, especially when partnered with someone more suitable.

It is when these peoples partners start somewhere nice, and repeatedly over time and relationships, the same pattern forms from nice to toxic, with the same traits.

I really don't like when people write these type of articles, and in a way are trying to tell people that anyone who displays one or more of these traits in a relationship, makes them antisocial or a psychopath. It is wrong at every level and completely misguided to say the least.

Yes, there will be cases where the person is antisocial / have a personality disorder. Personality disorders are often seen in many areas of life, not just home, and thus such persons can be identified more readily when linking all areas, such as home, work, social, so forth. When those link with the same / similar patterns, then that is a distinction towards personality disorder.

But for such points mentioned in an article, everyone displays one or more of those at any given time, and should not be confused with the key words highlighted above towards personality disorder establishment.