wifeofasoldier
New Here
Just reading some of your posts have calmed me and made me feel okay tonight. I was researching PTSD online in another desperate attempt for answers and came across this forum. I decided to join when it immediately made me start to feel better. I don't have PTSD, but I felt like I could relate to a lot of you guys due to living with my husband. My husband I a retired combat sniper who toured Afghanistan. He has been diagnosed with combat PTSD and TBI. I am here looking for others who can help me help my husband. There aren't a lot of resources out there for family members who are suffering with a loved one who has PTSD. Here is my story in a nutshell...
My husband and I fell in love before he was deployed, but while he was in the military. I tried not to fall in love with him because I knew the military life was hard and I honestly didn't agree with all that the military was doing at the time. It seemed it would be easy to resist him, especially knowing he was so far away most if the time. But, I fell deeply in love with him and still am to this day. I've never shared so many passions with anyone and felt so whole.
My husband was injured while deployed and saw many casualties, I had to quit school and I was a zombie at work because I'd go weeks without hearing from him and was so worried I'd go long periods without eating or sleeping. All we talked about (when we could communicate) was how we couldn't wait to really begin our lives when he got home and out of the military. We'd daydream about waking up next to each other and even seemingly mundane tasks like going to the store we longed for.
Finally my then fiancée came home! He was injured, but safe and we spent every second together. From the start he was a changed man. I expected this, I don't know how you wouldn't change after seeing the things he saw and enduring through combat and injuries, but I wasn't ready. I made him feel as safe as I could as he jumped when he saw things in the road or exhibited the classic "thousand mile stare" or shook at night with terrors. I knew these things could get better as long as I was patient and caring and kind. But then things changed, the anger started, and the lying (or is he forgetting from the TBI? I have a hard time determining that), and finally he cheated on me, with many women. All of these things he attributed to his PTSD and TBIL. My patience, love, and understanding for my now husband began to fail. I felt betrayed. I uprooted my life from my family and career to be with him as he finished his last year in the military and was always by his side when he needed me. I waited for months alone when he had to be gone and he repaid me with constant anger, isolation (he'd spend hours in a room alone wanting to be left that way, and neglecting to do things he promised).
I was so lost (& still am 2 years later). I don't cry everyday anymore, probably about 3 days a week, but I'm still not functioning well. I'm so sad all the time, sad for him, sad for us, sad for me. We've tried counseling and it helped some. We just moved so we are getting established with a new Counsler. I am haunted with feeling like our relationship will always be like this now. His OCD cleaning everything every day and freaking out if something is out of place and his excuses (or really not remembering things?) at convenient times, or his night sweats with him waking up and hating me because I was the enemy in the dream, his seeing things, not being able to hear me (or ignoring me?) and his avoidance of social interactions even with family, there is so much more. Will things get better? I think they're getting worse.
What do I do to help him? We've both ensured that we want our marriage still because we really do still love each other, but we both have so much pain now. We want to be like we were but don't know how to get there. We both feel so weak with pain and I feel so lost, like our relationship is spiraling out of control and I can't do anything to stop it. He forgets things mid-sentance sometimes and we both are sad for hours afterwards because its a reminder of how different our lives are now. We're really trying, well I really am. He always finds excuses for therapy and goes in and out of being reclusive. We want to be happy again and I am hoping there are some others out there who recognize our situation as not so unique and something that has been managed before.
Any and all advice welcome. Thank you in advance <3
My husband and I fell in love before he was deployed, but while he was in the military. I tried not to fall in love with him because I knew the military life was hard and I honestly didn't agree with all that the military was doing at the time. It seemed it would be easy to resist him, especially knowing he was so far away most if the time. But, I fell deeply in love with him and still am to this day. I've never shared so many passions with anyone and felt so whole.
My husband was injured while deployed and saw many casualties, I had to quit school and I was a zombie at work because I'd go weeks without hearing from him and was so worried I'd go long periods without eating or sleeping. All we talked about (when we could communicate) was how we couldn't wait to really begin our lives when he got home and out of the military. We'd daydream about waking up next to each other and even seemingly mundane tasks like going to the store we longed for.
Finally my then fiancée came home! He was injured, but safe and we spent every second together. From the start he was a changed man. I expected this, I don't know how you wouldn't change after seeing the things he saw and enduring through combat and injuries, but I wasn't ready. I made him feel as safe as I could as he jumped when he saw things in the road or exhibited the classic "thousand mile stare" or shook at night with terrors. I knew these things could get better as long as I was patient and caring and kind. But then things changed, the anger started, and the lying (or is he forgetting from the TBI? I have a hard time determining that), and finally he cheated on me, with many women. All of these things he attributed to his PTSD and TBIL. My patience, love, and understanding for my now husband began to fail. I felt betrayed. I uprooted my life from my family and career to be with him as he finished his last year in the military and was always by his side when he needed me. I waited for months alone when he had to be gone and he repaid me with constant anger, isolation (he'd spend hours in a room alone wanting to be left that way, and neglecting to do things he promised).
I was so lost (& still am 2 years later). I don't cry everyday anymore, probably about 3 days a week, but I'm still not functioning well. I'm so sad all the time, sad for him, sad for us, sad for me. We've tried counseling and it helped some. We just moved so we are getting established with a new Counsler. I am haunted with feeling like our relationship will always be like this now. His OCD cleaning everything every day and freaking out if something is out of place and his excuses (or really not remembering things?) at convenient times, or his night sweats with him waking up and hating me because I was the enemy in the dream, his seeing things, not being able to hear me (or ignoring me?) and his avoidance of social interactions even with family, there is so much more. Will things get better? I think they're getting worse.
What do I do to help him? We've both ensured that we want our marriage still because we really do still love each other, but we both have so much pain now. We want to be like we were but don't know how to get there. We both feel so weak with pain and I feel so lost, like our relationship is spiraling out of control and I can't do anything to stop it. He forgets things mid-sentance sometimes and we both are sad for hours afterwards because its a reminder of how different our lives are now. We're really trying, well I really am. He always finds excuses for therapy and goes in and out of being reclusive. We want to be happy again and I am hoping there are some others out there who recognize our situation as not so unique and something that has been managed before.
Any and all advice welcome. Thank you in advance <3
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