I just sat here trying to talk to Anthony about this asking him what is a Carer supposed to do, as from reading what Carmela just wrote, it really makes me uncomfortable to think of putting myself in such a situation let alone there being any children.
The things he said to me were the things I learned very quickly at the start and that was the space thing. I must admit it is rare that I have to walk on egg shells now from when I first met Anthony and he was going through his marriage break up. I also learned how the external influences could make him so ill. I now can pretty much pick things and have learned to manage what I can to not over burden him. Even like getting married. I made sure we had a break for him to get over the day before going on a honeymoon.
If Anthony was to do what Carmela's partner does now I think I would walk....for my own sanity and safety. Unfortunately I have been hurt once too many times so now I just can't do that. Not even for love. It horrifies me to even contemplate living like that you. You are both better people than me as I could not do the rollercoaster or the eggshells.
did you ever manage to break the cycle?
Helena, I don't really think it is a cycle as such. I think your husband has a high which then makes him fall. I would suggest that for him to have a "good day" takes all his efforts and stresses him so much that he falls over.
My advice is not on breaking the cycle but getting your hubby to a point where he is managing himself better. If he is not in therapy that would be my first suggestion as well as the same for yourself as it is emotionally taxing dealing with a rollercoaster ride and you need to hold yourself together.
Alcohol is the mother of all evils as while it numbs the pain it is also a depressant so it's like a catch 22.
It sounds like the disappearing is the isolating as dealing with strangers in a pub has a totally different stress level than coming home to you. I know that doesn't sound good but it is true.
As for the callous way you say he is treating you - that one you have to set boundaries with. There are threads here with suggestions and I think starting by reading the sticky threads at the top of this section would be a good start for you. Basically you have to be short, direct and polite and let him know what is not acceptable and leave him to think about it. It is not to be a discussion or an argument. One example is saying " I don't like who you are being right now" and walking away. Another is "you are being mean to me" and leave the room. You have to remember their brains are overloaded with stress so make it short and sweet and give them time to come around to processing it. It does work!
