Hurts To Be Touched.

[Loveneverfails]

I have recently been able to admit to my T(and on this forum) that the reason I dislike being touched so much is because often it causes pain.

It isn't every time, usually it's when someone touches me and I am not expecting it. It isn't physical pain, but a deep anxiety, fear and emotional anguish that hit and cause a panic/flee reaction. There are days however, especially when stressed, when every touch elicits this response. I even find myself avoiding contact on these days with my own young children which distresses me as I know they need comforting and free physical contact for their own well being.

I want to better understand why this happens and was hoping someone might have some research data or their own personal experiences and observations to share? I've googled it but haven't had much success in finding a connection to this with a PTSD diagnosis(which surprised me).

It seems to me like this would be in the hyper-vigilance category? I'm eager to hear what you all have to say.

 

[Ted Moen]

We had a class called "Affect Management" when I was an inpatient to work on stuff like this. You acknowledge the pain is not physical, so what is going on is touch is triggering old, painful stuff. What you feel is what you feel, so don't try to deny what you feel. Stuffing unwanted feelings only makes them more intense. Acknowledge the feeling, identify it as old stuff, ground yourself, remind yourself it is really nice to touch and be touched by appropriate people in appropriate situations. Practice touching in the safest and most appropriate situations, acknowledging the old stuff it triggers but refocusing on the nice physical sensations. For me, grandchildren provided safe and appropriate situations to work on touch, maybe for you you are lucky enough to still have your children in your situation. it's not easy at first, but it gets better with practice.

Ted

 

[Jen93]

I think I understand what you're saying.

I dislike when my Daddy will give me what I call to be "buddy hugs". I love my Daddy, he's a great dad. He'd never hurt me, and he does this in a very affectionate way. We will be walking by the lake (We live thirty second from lake Ontario) and he will take his hand and wrap it around my shoulder to the other side, so he'll be walking on my right side and he'll touch my left shoulder. It's really difficult for me because I was hit on my left shoulder, but I know he wouldn't hit me, and it's an affectionate touch.

He will also give me a pat on the back when I'm falling asleep just to say "Hi Jen. I'm home from work. I love you and it's nice to see you." Daddy works a lot-and we don't see each other except for during that time, because he's gone when I wake up. It is slightly scary because I've actually cried "Don't hit me." a few times when he did this. I just need to remember that he is my Daddy and he would never hurt me.

I also don't like hugs unless I ask for them. During my trauma one of my bullies was grieving and dramatically turned to me for comfort and forced myself into the role of embracing her. I just need to remember that when I am hugged now, I am hugged by friends who I care about.

So remember-any touch you receive now is loving and done with care. You are safe and loved, and you are in control. It is okay to say no if touch is initiated-even if it is done with good intentions. If the people who initiate touch care, they will understand and wait until you feel more comfortable.

All the best,
Jen

 

[brokenbones]

I get this. I feel really ashamed of myself, so when someone touches me, I feel I will infect them with my poison, my ugliness, my horribleness. What a horrible way to feel about myself. The thing is, though, in theory, I love touch. I've been a bit of a touch activist, even. In our North American society, touch is lacking. In other cultures ~ Spanish, French, African, etc. ~ touch is a ready part of everyday. People hug and kiss each other on the cheeks, etc. Here, we've even pulled away from shaking hands somewhat, with people doing the 'fist bump' rather than come in contact with each other's 'germs'. This is totally paranoid, and pulls us away from each other, and further alienates us from one another.

For me, I think I've gotten used to not being touched often, because I am single. I do hug friends when I see them, but largely I go days without physical human contact. I think that makes it harder to be touched when it does happen. Maybe if you can accept your feelings, breathe through them, maybe you will feel better about being touched. Touch is a physiological necessity for us - our mental and physical health literally relies on our being touched and touching other humans. For children especially. Studies have shown that African children - who spend most of their first four years on their mother's back - are much more mentally and emotionally healthy upon growing up because of the intensity of this touch experience.

I think a lot of it has to do with getting used to being touched, accepting it and getting to the point of enjoying it every day. I know it is hard. I hope it gets better for you.

 

[Bubba]

I've never liked being touched. I'm not a hugger - even with my own children. I feel very uncomfortable. I hate massages. I just don't like it any manner. And why? I get anxiety when touched just like you. It has to do something the PTSD. My parents weren't big on touching - so I think it's foreign to me. It's an invasion of my space. I just don't feel safe when touched.

There have been times when I can free my mind and accept it as good. But generally - especially when I'm having a high anxiety day - I just can't take it.

So - you are not alone. There are those of us that feel the same way :-).

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

Gongrats on letting your T know. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I was thinking It might also be in the category of "body memories" or something to that degree. Just a thought.

Big Hugs

Solo

 

[SillyMe]

When I was a lot younger I had to have manual physical therapy (which is like a weird kind of massage) and I used to be so afraid I made my husband come with me, also the pain, both physical and emotional was intense. Over the years (just like exposure therapy in CBT) I have gotten more used to it, and now it comes more naturally and the pain I felt whenever anyone approached me by touching is pretty much gone.

Let me say though, it has taken a really long time and, I still have some times when things are hard for me and I can't even hug my hubby.

Also, to Bubba, my family was soooo not a touching family either. When I went to therapy and realized that I couldn't hardly remember ever having been touched except in anger or to be assaulted in other ways by anyone in my family I began to work on this in my own little family. My daughter (who is five years older than my son) didn't get as much hugging from me as my son, but they both are huggers with their friends and with their Dad, and my son feels completely comfortable hugging me any time. It feels like progress to me.

I was looking for a discussion about body memories, because I was getting physical therapy this week and the Therapist was working on my tummy, where I have many internal and external scars and she is trying to break down the scar tissue to help me with some physical problems. Afterwards I cried all the way home in the car and even after I got home I was really upset. :cry:

So ... I guess my thought is ... keep trying to make physical contact if you can. Maybe work on it with just one trusted person at first, until it becomes easier and then add another. It is so great that you can talk to your therapist about this, I have had many therapists over the years and it is so important to trust them, things really grow from there.

Good Luck, :D
SillyMe