So, I have already been having issues and anxiety feeling like I talk way to much about myself here. Been struggling with massive self consciousness about it actually, but I don't have anywhere else I can talk about stuff. In real life I am expected to be everyone's damn rock but people get upset with me if I talk about my problems at all.
Everyones has had bronchitis around me, including myself. I was pretty sick but didn't complain to much. I don't. If I do everyone thinks I am over reacting. My husband started having symptoms a few days ago. Boy oh boy has he whined and moaned and been attention seeking from everyone. (yet he complains when his mom does exactly what he was doing) He couldn't breath so he had me call 911. At the hospital he was diagnosed bronchitis, given an inhaler and released.
So tonight he woke up from a nightmare. He was hyperventilating and kept telling me he was afraid and couldn't breath. He seemed to be getting enough air too much actually. He said his lungs felt clear and not congested but he felt very afraid something was seriously wrong and couldn't stop hyperventilating. I am thinking panic attack especially since he just woke up from a nightmare.
He asks me to call 911 they get here, according to his vitals they are thinking panic attack as well and have taken him to the hospital.
There is where my mind is f*cked up. I am worried as hell, and was scared that it might be something more serious and a heart attack like he was afraid of. Then there is this part of me that feels pretty confidant it is a panic attack and I am thinking to myself that now he knows what it feels like and how would he feel if I yelled at him when he was like this. (he calls them my fits)
I know it seems like I have have a ton of drama in my life and I do, it just seems to follow me even when I avoid the world. I am burnt out on being everyone elses shoulder and people getting mad at me if I dare suggest anything is wrong in my life. My husband garners sympathy from everyone and not that he doesn't deserve it with losing jobs and then working overtime to play catch up and stuff but...
Damn I am just tired of everyone coming to me with their problems because they know I will listen and be supportive but getting angry at me for asking the same.
Because I am always the one outside smoking I am kind of the go to person when people need to an ear. I have sat up all night with one neighbors daughter who was having what might have been a schizophrenic break. Yeah I was told how much I was appreciated but I don't feel like I know them well enough to ever go to with my problems.
I two good friends with PTSD (not members of this site) and and yeah, they know a bit about my history and they know I have PTSD and we can talk about trauma shit but I feel they can unload about current problems but they get mad at me and distance themselves when I am struggling. Granted, I think my one friend is isolating right now because of her stuff, but came after I had a panic attack while we were at a store and I told her I was sorry for that, "I am having issues with emotional regulation" her response seemed to be a cold "I noticed" She is dealing with A LOT of her own stuff and probably didn't have the head space but my panic had a very specific cause that I haven't told anyone about.
My other friend is dealing with a daughter who has made 3 suicide attempts now and her recently ex husband who is making the situation worse, and I listen to her because she doesn't have anyone else really, although she is seeing a counselor. She has also hurt me quite a bit though unintentionally and a couple of weeks ago when I started to tell her about something going on with me she kind of coughed and interrupted me and gave me this look like "excuse me but we were talking about MY problems not yours."
Months ago (november I believe) I had very briefly told her about a former friend of mine that she sort of knew and how he had told me that the support I had given him an a couple other people was out of selfishness and seeking validation. (last summer) It f*cked me up pretty bad and I kind of became privately obsessed with fearing if that was true and I started becoming overly self conscious due to it. I got past my hurt with him, but not the words. So two days ago she told me "you're just still so angry over what <insert name> did to you. Yes, I am hurt and still because the words had a major impact on me, but it isn't about him, it is about how those words came at another time when I was feeling like everyone was depending on me to be their rock but I could reach out for support.
Her words about me being angry is a common problem with me. I have been misinterpreted so many times when I was trying to hold back tears and people thought my attempts to suppress tears was anger. You would think as often as it happens I would stop being caught off guard by it, but it catches me off gaurd every time, because no one thinks I am angry when I am really angry, but when I am trying not to cry, people think I am angry.
So yeah sorry for this being so long but I felt like I was going to explode. I should be the sympathetic and caring wife right now, but I feel too drained by everyone and them problems that I have been keeping to myself, like stess over leaks in my apartment and the land lord wanting to move us into another one so they can repair this one, and feeling like I just don't have the strength to move all of our stuff by myself. Both times we have moved in the the last few years I had to move everything myself. I can't do that again and I have no one to help me and we can't afford to hire anyone.
Ok I feel slightly better now, but now that damn self conscious shit is kicking in and it has been happening over EVERYTHING the last couple of weeks. I just always feel so damn anxious about everything I say in real life or post online.
Everyones has had bronchitis around me, including myself. I was pretty sick but didn't complain to much. I don't. If I do everyone thinks I am over reacting. My husband started having symptoms a few days ago. Boy oh boy has he whined and moaned and been attention seeking from everyone. (yet he complains when his mom does exactly what he was doing) He couldn't breath so he had me call 911. At the hospital he was diagnosed bronchitis, given an inhaler and released.
So tonight he woke up from a nightmare. He was hyperventilating and kept telling me he was afraid and couldn't breath. He seemed to be getting enough air too much actually. He said his lungs felt clear and not congested but he felt very afraid something was seriously wrong and couldn't stop hyperventilating. I am thinking panic attack especially since he just woke up from a nightmare.
He asks me to call 911 they get here, according to his vitals they are thinking panic attack as well and have taken him to the hospital.
There is where my mind is f*cked up. I am worried as hell, and was scared that it might be something more serious and a heart attack like he was afraid of. Then there is this part of me that feels pretty confidant it is a panic attack and I am thinking to myself that now he knows what it feels like and how would he feel if I yelled at him when he was like this. (he calls them my fits)
I know it seems like I have have a ton of drama in my life and I do, it just seems to follow me even when I avoid the world. I am burnt out on being everyone elses shoulder and people getting mad at me if I dare suggest anything is wrong in my life. My husband garners sympathy from everyone and not that he doesn't deserve it with losing jobs and then working overtime to play catch up and stuff but...
Damn I am just tired of everyone coming to me with their problems because they know I will listen and be supportive but getting angry at me for asking the same.
Because I am always the one outside smoking I am kind of the go to person when people need to an ear. I have sat up all night with one neighbors daughter who was having what might have been a schizophrenic break. Yeah I was told how much I was appreciated but I don't feel like I know them well enough to ever go to with my problems.
I two good friends with PTSD (not members of this site) and and yeah, they know a bit about my history and they know I have PTSD and we can talk about trauma shit but I feel they can unload about current problems but they get mad at me and distance themselves when I am struggling. Granted, I think my one friend is isolating right now because of her stuff, but came after I had a panic attack while we were at a store and I told her I was sorry for that, "I am having issues with emotional regulation" her response seemed to be a cold "I noticed" She is dealing with A LOT of her own stuff and probably didn't have the head space but my panic had a very specific cause that I haven't told anyone about.
My other friend is dealing with a daughter who has made 3 suicide attempts now and her recently ex husband who is making the situation worse, and I listen to her because she doesn't have anyone else really, although she is seeing a counselor. She has also hurt me quite a bit though unintentionally and a couple of weeks ago when I started to tell her about something going on with me she kind of coughed and interrupted me and gave me this look like "excuse me but we were talking about MY problems not yours."
Months ago (november I believe) I had very briefly told her about a former friend of mine that she sort of knew and how he had told me that the support I had given him an a couple other people was out of selfishness and seeking validation. (last summer) It f*cked me up pretty bad and I kind of became privately obsessed with fearing if that was true and I started becoming overly self conscious due to it. I got past my hurt with him, but not the words. So two days ago she told me "you're just still so angry over what <insert name> did to you. Yes, I am hurt and still because the words had a major impact on me, but it isn't about him, it is about how those words came at another time when I was feeling like everyone was depending on me to be their rock but I could reach out for support.
Her words about me being angry is a common problem with me. I have been misinterpreted so many times when I was trying to hold back tears and people thought my attempts to suppress tears was anger. You would think as often as it happens I would stop being caught off guard by it, but it catches me off gaurd every time, because no one thinks I am angry when I am really angry, but when I am trying not to cry, people think I am angry.
So yeah sorry for this being so long but I felt like I was going to explode. I should be the sympathetic and caring wife right now, but I feel too drained by everyone and them problems that I have been keeping to myself, like stess over leaks in my apartment and the land lord wanting to move us into another one so they can repair this one, and feeling like I just don't have the strength to move all of our stuff by myself. Both times we have moved in the the last few years I had to move everything myself. I can't do that again and I have no one to help me and we can't afford to hire anyone.
Ok I feel slightly better now, but now that damn self conscious shit is kicking in and it has been happening over EVERYTHING the last couple of weeks. I just always feel so damn anxious about everything I say in real life or post online.
