Husband Causing Doubt...

[mrsmegan]

I need some support here...I don't know where else to go...

Last Friday I took a huge leap with my therapist and disclosed some things about the CSA I experienced - the details about why I continue to feel at fault for what happened - I can't even type it out...

My T was very supportive, he hugged me, and told me over and over again that what happened was not fault. I cried until my body ached. It was awful, but also a huge step for me.

I felt ready to tell my husband - at least I thought I wanted to take that risk...

He responded that he wasn't surprised, that he assumed that there was some mutual agreement on my part cause it's not like I was kicking and screaming.

I can't even bring myself to talk to him about this again, I can't even find the words to tell him how much it has affected me. I feel right back to where I was before - doubting my hand in it all - that I must be to blame. :cry:

 

[Laycee]

Because I do not understand your situation fully, I can try to say what I took from this post. On one hand, if something happened to you by someone else it was not your fault they made a bad choice. That being said, if you were attacked sexually? and were not actively fighting the person it still does not change the fact that someone else made a bad choice. There are reasons to not respond in the moment(s), including shock.
Now, if my husband had ever responded that way by taking the blame off of my attacker (I'm sorry but that is sort of what it sounds like he said) I would not be with him because we need supportive people not "well you didn't really fight it so it shouldn't be an issue"

 

[mrsmegan]

Yes, I am sorry Laycee, I know I am being vague, I sorry it is just hard to type these things.

It was sexual abuse in my childhood. I was about 5.

 

[Laycee]

I can relate @mrsmegan I went through that multiple times during my life at different ages.

 

[Killashandra]

Oh mrsmegan, I feel heartbroken for you,
His reaction is everything that you hoped it wouldn't be, and I understand how you must feel.
I tend to agree with laycee on this when I say he needs go or f%$king understand... I'm sorry for the foul language but this has riled me up!
You need supportive, caring people around you.. for him to say.. that he thought it was a mutual agreement is sick!
How can any CHILD make that kind of an agreement! I too suffered CSA for a number of years..

He either gets some information about the subject and educate himself to help you or if he is going to continue with thinking that you thouhts it was ok he needs to go.. easy for us to say... but how he reacted is not supportive to his wife. not caring to his wife. not appreciative for yuor openess. to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if you triggered for a week just dealing with how this makes you feel.

Congratulations though on your break through! it takes a weight off when you have a break through like that, now comes all the other things that weren't your fault... ☺

All the best and big hugs

Killa

 

[Gs172003]

I need some support here...I don't know where else to go...

Last Friday I took a huge leap with my th...

Oh God I'm so sorry. Nothing hurts like thinking you'll have support from somebody you love just to be slapped in the face. I hope you don't let this stop you from getting the healing you need.

 

[Gs172003]

Yes, I am sorry Laycee, I know I am being vague, I sorry it is just hard to type these things.

It wa...

Dear God...he blamed you at the age of 5??? What kind of man is he??

 

[Joan]

So sorry that he is not more supportive. also kudos to you for talking to your T and also being vulnerable with your husband. That takes huge courage! I totally get that is hard to believe, especially when you get a non-supportive response. Doubt looms in loud along with all the negative thoughts and beliefs. Try to do something to care for you and for your little 5 yo self....what is comforting for you? Take sweet care of yourself...

 

[sun seeker]

I was about 5.

Can I be angry with your husband on your behalf? How can he possibly think you had anything to do with abuse that happened when you were 5? "Ignorant" is about the nicest thing I can think of to say about someone who would make that kind of comment. I can imagine how awful you are feeling.

I wonder if there is something you could give him to read that would clarify that it is NEVER the child's fault? Could your therapist suggest something, maybe?

I also want to empathize with your problem of wanting to share what is going on for you but being afraid to tell the whole story. I've been there many times.

 

[mrsmegan]

Thank you all for your kind words.

My husband did follow up with his comments to say that a five year old can't be held accountable for things that they do... Again, making me feel like he did see fault or error in what I did, but then also that it wasn't my fault...

It was confusing and very triggering. I think I may have actually started dissociating after :/

 

[Fadeaway]

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. A 5 year old does not willingly engage in sexual behavior with an adult. A 5 year old does not have any control over such a situation. a 5 year old did not do anything.

I am so sorry that your husband responded so cruelly. I have to be honest. It almost sounds like your husband thinks like a pedophile.

 

[mrsmegan]

Thank you all again, so much. I feel so much more validated in my feelings, but then at the same time feeling more attacked and vulnerable because of what happened. I have a session with my T tomorrow right away in the morning, so I am grateful for that. I also asked for a session for my husband to come with me so we can discuss. I have a feeling my T will not be pleased with him...

Again, thank you all.