Husband Causing Doubt...

[Deleted member 541]

@mrsmegan While I can understand that you are upset because of the things he has said, I believe that you've had other issues with your husband being rather insensitive to you. He isn't likely to change either. So either you have to change the way you react to what he says or does, or the marriage isn't going to work.

 

[mrsmegan]

@mrsmegan While I can understand that you are upset because of the things he has sai...

Honestly - I think this is a little harsh. I mean - yes, he has made mistakes....but to say he won't change kind of goes against everything that we are all working towards, doesn't it?

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Just sounds like he's a total muggle. Well I'm hoping it's just ignorance. I'd get a book or an article for him to read or ask your T to tell him to read it if you feel like you can't.

Some people can be incredibly insensitive just due to ignorance. If you can tell him what this means to you. How it makes you feel, how incorrect and insensitive what he said is. If you want a certain kind of support from him you unfortunately have to educate him on what it is you need. Maybe if you wrote him a letter and explain as much as you can how you feel shame and guilt and what he's said confirms what you think.

 

[mrsmegan]

Thank you for continuing to validate my emotions in this.

We meet with my therapist yesterday so I could tell my husband how he hurt me in a place where I felt safe and supported. It was a very productive conversation and he was very open/willing to learn how to talk about these things with me and listen to how it hurt without making excuses.

 

[Powder]

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. A 5 year old does not willingly engage in sexual behavio...

I had the same thoughts.

 

[Mytime]

After you talked with him and your therapist, was it a miscommunication on his part? Did he think his response came out differently in his head or did he mean what he said?

 

[Powder]

Part of his initial reaction is called "victim blaming" and is a type of denial.

When I talked to my husband, he reacted okay but in a kinda numb and automatic way. It takes about 24 hours for this level of emotional stuff to settle down into bone. Then, it sort of "drops" into gear and the person begins a mini-grief process in earnest, sometimes in rapid stages if talked out and open to all the emotions and feelings.

This happened with both people that I told. Both reported that they believed but it took some time for the shock to wear off. This is a kind of built in defense mechanism.

So I guess I will give him the benefit of the doubt if he reacted in a numb state. I don't like the response, but I would withhold my overall assessment of his handling after a day of letting it marinate. It sounds like he is open to processing but needs to have his hand held through the process. That's fine. That can actually be a good thing given that you're smart about having a professional do that with you. Not a bad plan.

 

[mrsmegan]

It was not a miscommunication - he spoke truthfully, but also admitted that it was very insensitive and did not handle it well. Overall, he is still trying to grasp what all of this is, what this means for me, for us, etc. But he is trying and willing to work at it with me.

 

[Friday]

I don't understand why your husband is being demonized for not being surprised that you went along with some aspects of the abuse (clearly, he's not an idiot or totally ignorant, not everyone fights back & he knows that; so if you didn't fight that leaves drugged/ zoned out/ tricked/ participated), or that you blame yourself. If he knows anything at all about CSA, it would be surprising for that to be surprising to him. I'm even more confused that when he disagrees with you that you're at fault / believes children can't be held accountable, that's the wrong thing to say, too?. (So he tells you you're not at fault, and you take that as him saying you are at fault?) :confused: