Husband Has Ptsd But Doesn't Think He Is Ill

[Greytowngal]

Hi, I am new to this forum but I really need some advice.

My husband was diagnosed with PTSD in 2005 and we have had a bumpy ride since. He has had occasions when he has stopped the meds, and then he has gone into decline quickly and spent money excessively, drunk heavily and become bad tempered. Once back on the meds, he becomes the loving, caring husband again.

This year he went to the Middle East to work and slowly he has become emotionally detached and has admitted to feeling numb, before he left to go back to the Middle East (I am still in the UK with the children) , he told me he didn't love me, was bored and didn't want to be in the UK anymore, thought we were all spongers and that he didn't even want to work, just wanted to pack a rucksack and bum around without any responsibility. We were totally blind sided and devastated. It was just not him, his eyes were dead looking and he was totally emotionally detached.

I found his medical notes and discovered he was on medication that he had previously been on when we lived in a different country, and that they did not suit him. I also wrote to his old doctor and his old pyschiatrist and they agreed it sounded like his PTSD was an issue again. After a lot of persuasion his current doctor agreed to change his medication and I took them out with me when I saw him a few weeks ago. He agreed to take the new meds, but it was like walking on egg shells around him, his moods were up and down and he didn't want to talk about any of our problems.

I love my husband, he is the love of my life and we are soul mates, however, this man is just not my husband. He now earns a lot of money and has become controlling and emptied all of our bank accounts and I have to ask for money. When I spoke to him tonight he told me I was in denial, he is not ill, and he is happy being on his own and that he has seen the light.

He has an extremely demanding job, works 7 days a week, 14 hours a day and drinks heavily. He is not having an affair as he has not been able to perform in that department since last October!

I am at my wits end, he denies he is ill, but I know he is not himself. I don't know what to do, he is in a different country and I just want to be able to help and support him but he is pushing us away. Has anyone else experienced anything like this?

Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated!

<Paragraph breaks inserted by Amethist>

 

[amethist]

Hi Greytowngal

Welcome to the forum.

I hear your struggles Greytowngal, with children and him being so far away, this must be so hard for you to cope with.

Being in denial is all part of his PTSD, and until he recognizes that he does have a problem, there is very little you can do, except be there when he does admit it and needs the help and support. Not wanting to talk about your problems is also part of what is going on in his mind, one of those "Ignore it, don't talk about it, and it will go away". Unfortunately it wont until he faces up to it, which may not happen until he hits rock bottom.
PTSD does change them Greytowngal, it changes so much about them that we can see, but they can't see any problem at all.

Pushing those closest to them away is also part of how it effects them, for many reasons, including not being able to handle relationships, while they are in full blown PTSD mode.

Maybe if you read the links below, you will be able to see how this is effecting your husband, in so many ways.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-iceberg-of-emotions.13731/[/DLMURL]

These are just 2 of the many articles dotted all over the forum.

Try to take good care of your self and your children, putting as much time into doing that as possible. Hard as this sounds, your husband is an adult and while he may be making a lot of wrong choices right now, to him they are the right ones. Until anything changes, putting your energy into how this is effecting him, more then how you can make your own life easier for now, will only make it harder for you to keep going.

Work on building your children's and your own life better for now, building your own inner strength, as you will need it at some point.

Come down to the supporters area, where you will find a lot more information to help you, help him.

Take care.

Amethist

 

[Greytowngal]

Hi Amethist,

Thank you so much for the reply with supportive and encouraging words.

I think it has gone from bad to worse this week! I'm not too sure where to put this thread, so if I have it in the wrong place, please let me know.

His behaviour seems to be manic - one minute he is quite okay and then the next he is being aggressive and not thinking straight. He said he was unable to come home to celebrate our daughter's 21st birthday as he was too busy. I accepted that, we were all disappointed, but understand he is isolating himself and has cut himself off from all emotion. I text him just to check that it was okay for me to pay for the lunch (for 10 family members) to celebrate her birthday. He asked how much I thought it would be, and then straight away text again saying that it was okay. Within 2 minutes I got another text saying he would not pay for everyone!!

I telephoned my husband and spoke to him and he was really nasty. He said he didn't mention it before, but that he was sooooo very angry that I had contacted his doctors and got his meds changed. I reminded him that he had agreed to take the meds while I was staying with him in the Middle East for two weeks and that if he had a problem I know him well enough that he would have told me there and then and made my life hell for the two weeks I was there. He told me I had twisted the information I had given the doctor to make it sound as though he was ill - again I informed him he had seen the letter I sent and the reply I had received and there was nothing in there that was untrue. He also told me to leave his parents alone as I had contacted them and asked them if they would like to come and celebrate at the birthday lunch with us. They sent an evil reply, and declined. When I mentioned I had received a nasty reply, my husband said he knew because they contacted him and asked if it was okay to send it to me and he said yes!!

I always used to be his 'voice of reason' and when we have had situations with his PTSD before we have always recognised the signs and been able to get help before it got out of hand. However, because he is now working out of the country, I am unable to help him. He told me I was in denial and that I just couldn't accept the fact that he wanted to be on his own and was happy on his own. He then told me to listen to him as he shouted around his apartment "I AM IN MY APARTMENT AND I'M HAPPY ON MY OWN....I'M NOT ILL, I'M HAPPY!!" It was really odd.

Unfortunately where he has distanced himself from me, he is now listening to his parents (something he has never done before as they are not close and he rarely sees them - we lived out of the country for 10 years & never saw them). Anyway he has told them he is not ill and that I am imagining it and they have agreed with him and are fuelling the situation by saying it is all my fault that they have had little contact and he has agreed with them!! Totally untrue - I have never had a bad word to say about his parents and have always sent birthday presents, mothers & fathers day presents and christmas presents! On occasions when his father has sent a sarcastic e-mail to my husband and he has been just about to fire back a nasty reply, I have read his response and delicately suggested not to send it as it will cause bad feeling and once things are said they are difficult to retract!

My friend, who works in mental health, has said it sounds like he is now suffering with manic depression on top of his PTSD and his heading for a nervous breakdown. He has just had his bosses out in the Middle East with him for a few days so I sent my husband an e-mail just saying I hope the meetings went well and just asking how work was going? A nice e-mail, but I thought it was best to talk only about work as that is all he can cope with at the moment. He responded by telling me it was not good. People are being made redundant in the UK part of the company because a contract promised in the Middle East did not materialise, everyone else is being asked to take a 20% paycut. My husband has been told to find a cheaper apartment and car (both paid for by the company in the UK), cut back on his expenses and take a 20% paycut, even though he has still not even received the payrise he was promised in January. He was also told if he does not bring a contract in by January 2012 then they will close down the Middle East and he will have to return to the UK.

My worry is that all of this bad news may well push him over the edge and he may well have a nervous breakdown! His behaviour is very erratic, he is drinking a lot and driving under the influence of alcohol out there. I warned him about this when I was there as there is zero tolerance in the ME and if caught he will be fined and spend a minimum of 5 days in prison.

I sent him a text today just saying that I was thinking of him and that I am still his rock and I am happy to chat at any time, but I have heard nothing from him. I am really concerned that he may be feeling wretched and worried about what the future holds. I thought I had better let him know I am still here for him and now I will back off and hope he calls me if he needs me.

I feel helpless as I know there is nothing I can do until he hits rock bottom and asks for my help - but I am also worried that he won't come to me and maybe contact his mum and dad instead. They have alienated themselves from me as they keep telling me there is nothing wrong with him, they say they know the signs of a nervous breakdown and he is fine, no problem whatsoever. They have NEVER seen him when his PTSD has a hold of him, they don't even understand what it is. He left home at 16 and he is now 48 - I on the other hand know him and know that he is not himself and I have lived with him under the control of this demon for 13 years!

Am I doing the right thing in sitting back and waiting for the inevitable to happen? I know he is an adult and making his own decisions (albeit not necessarily the right ones) but it is so hard. I love him with all my heart and just want to help him.

Sorry this is such a long ramble!!

I

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi Greytowngal

It's an almost impossible situation you are in at the moment and must feel unbearable because there is nothing you can do but wait. I totally agree with Amethist's advice for you to concentrate on "building your children's and your own life better for now, building your own inner strength, as you will need it at some point". As carers we naturally need to 'do' something to help our partners who suffer and it is the only thing you can do just now. I do feel for you and your children. In time your hubby will recognise you've only acted in his best interest.

In my experience, people with PTSD sometimes present in a similar way to Bi Polar/Manic Depression but it could be both. There's another post just started called PTSDw bipolar. Either way a breakdown could happen as the work pressures increase (see link to 'ptsd cup' above).

Your GP is someone you can confide in so that he/she is aware for future reference. They may also be able to offer you some practical support & advice re local services.

Here, you'll always find support and it's a place you can safely ramble & rant, which will also help relieve the pressure on you.

Keep in touch and take care of yourself. x

 

[Nerdanna]

Greytowngal,
I can really empathize with you. I have been there before. Take care of yourself and your children.