Relationship Husband is abuse survivor, our world has imploded

[G-9]

I am mid 30s and have no desire.
I think it is flight freeze response for me. Like my sexy fuse was blown when i got the tbi. Doc thinks it is a mix of tbi and ptsd and changes in nerves. I am not into even the idea of sex so masturbating or any thing sexual does not ring my bell.

I am in sex rehab through the hospital. My homework included things that i even get a giggle out of telling others. My doc wrote a script for porn.. didnt work.. listen to sexy music... nope.... visualize....cant too many memories from crash invade any visuals...nope... create an alter ego.... sort of worked until invasion of guilt flooded so nope... take a bath relax and go to bed and jerk off... nope... then doc said prostate stimulation. I asked what is that and she told me what it is. I was speechless and shocked after finding out what prostate stim is.

I get my homework every six weeks. We are finding ways to stimulate desire and reduce invasive thoughts.

Personally i suspect the nervous system is on alert and cannot relax for the sexy hormones and wiring firing take place. I know how it is to have zero drive and even when i try physically it still does not work.

I have to relearn my body and signals and sensation allover again. Having the drive return would be wonderful as it does affect my self esteem and worth.

Thank you for sharing.....
Such a personal experience to share but this seems the best place to do just that
My current situation as a wife and supporter .. This is all new and recent for me, my husband just shared his sexual abuse from childhood by family members and simultaneously our world has imploded. He attempts to be intimate (sometimes I think it’s just to please me) but he does get aroused. Climax is where is all goes dark for him. Like he has a physiological uncontrollable reaction to it that seems to be filled with remorse and guilt and I’m not sure what else. It is him that initiates and seems to want to feel good but it consistently ends the same every time...
any input would be so valued

 

[somerandomguy]

Hey @G-9, it might be better to start a new thread rather than to piggyback on this one.

Your husband is experiencing something really common with abuse survivors. Climaxing is reminding him of his abuse. Lots of us survivors WANT to be sexual, or at least want to want to be, but sex is just too reminiscent of our abuse. This is a big problem for those of us with partners.

It's NOT your fault. It has NOTHING to do with you. But it's not going to get any better unless your husband gets appropriate trauma therapy.

 

[G-9]

Thank you, it helps to hear that. If I had just met this guy and this was happening it would be more manageable to sort out.. if I had known all along that there was abuse.. but it all surfaced at once. Not to say he wasn’t experiencing some of this and shoving it down, that’s for sure. But for me, his wife it’s all at once.
He is starting trauma therapy. I try to remind myself not to take any of it personally, that helps. My love for him and our family and the life we’ve created together is deep. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I wish you peace,truly

 

[joeylittle]

Hi @G-9, and welcome. I've started a new thread for you in the Supporter Discussion area.

But for me, his wife it’s all at once.

I can only imagine how tough this must be for you. It's good that you are reaching out for support for yourself.

 

[G-9]

Thank you, navigating life and this site lol

 

[NicW]

Hi, G-9: Welcome to MYPTSD.com; I think you'll find it valuable. Someplace in this site there is a great analogy: suppressing trauma is like stretching a rubber band to extreme; it will snap back with more ferocity than the effort it took to stretch it. In my case, I suppressed and secreted my CSA for over 50 years. Last November, it all fell apart. I was unable to control my mind, sobbing uncontrollably, and was contemplating suicide. Were it not for my wife, a very close friend and a great PCP, I would not be typing this response.

The close friend said one thing that made a difference: as a person with mental illness, she said: "there is reason to have hope. You can get out of this with therapy."

It's nearly eight months later. I'm not stretching the rubber band any more. I took the leap to surrender to people who were experienced in treating complex PTSD and CSA. She was right: there IS reason to have hope. Tell him. Really.

 

[G-9]

I’m speechless and sobbing. Because hearing your words is like an arm around me, holding me up. Thank you The effort that it takes to be the cheerleader and steer the homestead ship is exhausting. To know the there is hope from someone who has suffered this way is priceless. I want everyday to be doing and saying the things that support and comfort my husband so that he feels that this is his safe place to land. Instead of fleeing. He is at the start of getting help.
The rubber band analogy is perfectly said. He stretched himself to the limit, bottled it up, sought refuge by immersing himself in work and then eventually began detaching from us
My love is unconditional. I have boundaries emotionally but the love is strong and ferocious Something I’m not sure he’s ever experienced from another person (including his mother )
Your wife sounds amazing and I’m so glad to hear that you are moving into a better place.
I can’t pretend to understand but I see the pain in my husband and I don’t wish it on anyone...
I will remind him to have hope, I will have it for us until he does
Thank you for taking the time to reach out

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Climax is where is all goes dark for him.

Disocciation. Yep. That happens and usually uncontrolable.

 

[NicW]

I’m speechless and sobbing.

There is reason for you to have hope, too. Because there is.