Rose White
VIP Member
Ugh. I’ve been learning about releasing trapped emotions and I watched a video about the work of Pat Jackman. She does something called Emotional Release Massage Therapy and it looks so healing.
Unfortunately she is not in my state so I started looking at comparable services and found Craniosacral Massage providers and something called TRE (Trauma Release Exercises). I was excited about it because I’ve been feeling very depressed (secretly suicidal ideation which I would never tell my husband because he gets enraged when I talk like that) and finding a new possible treatment modality felt hopeful.
I told my husband and his reaction threw me off. His face darkened and he said, “Oh, are you going to do some sexual healing massage with some hot GUY?! Go right ahead!”
I was flustered and surprised and defensive so I sort of laughed and said, “No, I want to go to a woman—“
“Guy/girl what does it MATTER?!”
“I’m talking about a Professional Service! How is that threatening?”
“Why are we seeking out other people? Why not each other?!”
“First of all I’m not seeking another person, I’m trying to heal from csa.”
“Whatever!” And he stormed off.
Later that night, when I’m lying in bed with the lights off, drunk and high at 7pm and trying to fall asleep, he comes in and touches my hand and says, “Sorry.”
“Ok,” I mumble.
He never (rarely?) says what he is apologizing for. This time he said, “When I heard you say you wanted a massage I thought you were going to say from me, but when you said you wanted to go to someone I lost it. It seems like you never want to do the intimacy stuff anymore.”
He is right, I haven’t wanted to do the intimacy exercises anymore. When I first started doing them he was rather resistant, he would say they were too formal and rigid, no play or spontaneity (those pesky boundaries keep getting in the way of his pleasure.). Now he wants them, something, anything—he feels I am starving him of touch and affection.
Part of the reason I was so surprised by his reaction to my seeking body work is that he has had many many professional massages (he will only go to women) over the course of our marriage and I never batted an eye—adults can do things like seeking professional help! I have never gone once for any kind body work.
His reaction kind of reminds me of when I first said I wanted to go to therapy. “Why can’t you just talk to me? They’re just going to tell you how shitty your life is. You are paying someone to like you!” I said, “Maybe they are a professional who can help me to regulate my emotions better!”
My first therapist (since I’ve been married) was an old man. Husband was okay with it for a while but then he kept griping about how it was a man and why don’t I go to a woman. Then I went to a woman and experienced transference, and for the first time in my life after three previous therapists was able to actually TELL them about it and begin to work through it! Then Husband read my journal and accused me of being in love with her instead of him!!
Now he understands more about transference but still holds onto all these jealous type feelings. I think it’s because he just wants me for himself and any good feelings I have should go to him, he thinks. He is afraid he will never get enough love from me. I don’t know how how how to keep going like this.
At least he tries to realize his mistakes each time I guess. With three young kids, a house, a life together, neither of us will be going anywhere any time soon. I think we both feel trapped.
Sorry so long. Thank you for the space to process all this. Looking for support and maybe advice if you’ve been through something similar. He keeps forgetting that my seeking professional help is for the purpose of making my life with my family and friends (once I finally get a friend) better! I hate that I have to keep reminding him of that.
But this is a very old problem for us. His jealousy has been there from day one and I would always bend over backwards to prove that I was faithful or I would sulk and resent it. He is faced with his own immature behavior and he panics then gets angry or flighty. We just have to go through this until something changes in one of us or someone actually leaves (extremely unlikely).
Unfortunately she is not in my state so I started looking at comparable services and found Craniosacral Massage providers and something called TRE (Trauma Release Exercises). I was excited about it because I’ve been feeling very depressed (secretly suicidal ideation which I would never tell my husband because he gets enraged when I talk like that) and finding a new possible treatment modality felt hopeful.
I told my husband and his reaction threw me off. His face darkened and he said, “Oh, are you going to do some sexual healing massage with some hot GUY?! Go right ahead!”
I was flustered and surprised and defensive so I sort of laughed and said, “No, I want to go to a woman—“
“Guy/girl what does it MATTER?!”
“I’m talking about a Professional Service! How is that threatening?”
“Why are we seeking out other people? Why not each other?!”
“First of all I’m not seeking another person, I’m trying to heal from csa.”
“Whatever!” And he stormed off.
Later that night, when I’m lying in bed with the lights off, drunk and high at 7pm and trying to fall asleep, he comes in and touches my hand and says, “Sorry.”
“Ok,” I mumble.
He never (rarely?) says what he is apologizing for. This time he said, “When I heard you say you wanted a massage I thought you were going to say from me, but when you said you wanted to go to someone I lost it. It seems like you never want to do the intimacy stuff anymore.”
He is right, I haven’t wanted to do the intimacy exercises anymore. When I first started doing them he was rather resistant, he would say they were too formal and rigid, no play or spontaneity (those pesky boundaries keep getting in the way of his pleasure.). Now he wants them, something, anything—he feels I am starving him of touch and affection.
Part of the reason I was so surprised by his reaction to my seeking body work is that he has had many many professional massages (he will only go to women) over the course of our marriage and I never batted an eye—adults can do things like seeking professional help! I have never gone once for any kind body work.
His reaction kind of reminds me of when I first said I wanted to go to therapy. “Why can’t you just talk to me? They’re just going to tell you how shitty your life is. You are paying someone to like you!” I said, “Maybe they are a professional who can help me to regulate my emotions better!”
My first therapist (since I’ve been married) was an old man. Husband was okay with it for a while but then he kept griping about how it was a man and why don’t I go to a woman. Then I went to a woman and experienced transference, and for the first time in my life after three previous therapists was able to actually TELL them about it and begin to work through it! Then Husband read my journal and accused me of being in love with her instead of him!!
Now he understands more about transference but still holds onto all these jealous type feelings. I think it’s because he just wants me for himself and any good feelings I have should go to him, he thinks. He is afraid he will never get enough love from me. I don’t know how how how to keep going like this.
At least he tries to realize his mistakes each time I guess. With three young kids, a house, a life together, neither of us will be going anywhere any time soon. I think we both feel trapped.
Sorry so long. Thank you for the space to process all this. Looking for support and maybe advice if you’ve been through something similar. He keeps forgetting that my seeking professional help is for the purpose of making my life with my family and friends (once I finally get a friend) better! I hate that I have to keep reminding him of that.
But this is a very old problem for us. His jealousy has been there from day one and I would always bend over backwards to prove that I was faithful or I would sulk and resent it. He is faced with his own immature behavior and he panics then gets angry or flighty. We just have to go through this until something changes in one of us or someone actually leaves (extremely unlikely).
