HealingMama
MyPTSD Pro
Maybe I just have to lie in the bed that I made. According to my husband that's what this is about. I over communicate, I pick fights, there was a time in the past I could not stop my attachment cry (protest rapid fire calls/texts). And he finds the expectation of availability anxiety provoking. According to him everything he does is to address my anxiety or somehow for me, and he cannot also agree to being reachable, no matter what, in an immediate need.
I had to get something like chemotherapy last week. It's a dangerous drug. I had a mild allergic reaction to it. I have gotten it before, the first time also had a snafu of health risk, and it has been like 2-3 years since I got it, so it is possible my body would not remember how to manage it. The nurse even said she is always nervous giving this medication.
I called him on my way home and he did not answer. He had told me last time this happened that he would set up his phone so my calls could get through his silent mode etc if there was an urgent need, and it would trigger by calling a certain number of times. So I tried to trigger that process. No it was not an emergency but it was a time sensitive issue. I had yucky side effects from the medicine and it crashed my immune system and we needed something from the store for the night's meal.
He has been working the early morning shift, comes home and naps til dinner time, then goes to bed early-ish, bc he has to get up very early. And he was napping. I get it, he was tired. But we had talked two hours prior to that. The previous day we had talked about him not sleeping more than an hour so he could be tired enough to get to bed at a decent hour in the night and be better rested for work the next day. He is normally a night owl which is not very compatible with the schedule he is on. I found out later he went along with the one hour thing when he didn't really want to. (How is that my fault though?)
So based on what we had previously discussed and the fact 2 hours passed since we talked, I thought it would be ok if the phone did wake him, bc that would help him align with the thing we had said was better for his sleep hygiene. (That man will not adhere to a sleep schedule to save his life, and when we are getting along he invites and appreciates my help by gently encouraging more structure. But when we are not getting along the same things he says he values are suddenly me being controlling.)
Anyway. I tried to trigger the "in case of emergency break glass" phone setting and it did not work. So I was upset when I got home bc I could not get him on the phone. Yes this is my trauma triggered, some from childhood, some from my marriage. I was angry. He minimized my concerns. "Oh yeah the world is crashing down around us because I was taking a nap and you had to wait 30 minutes to talk to me."
I ask why the silent mode breakthrough did not work. Find out he turned the setting back off, but neglected to tell me. I was livid and came totally unglued because this is like the 584th time this has been a problem. He gave me a solution then took it away without any communication. That left me feeling really insecure from an attachment perspective. He leaves so fast when he does not want to deal with a situation, he leaves emotionally all the time, so I already do not feel that I can really trust him. And now, he will not have this setting so I can reach him in spite of his silent mode and whatnot. He loves to call me controlling but avoiding his phone is for control too.
Later on I also explained that it is scary to not be able to reach my person in a time of need. And that the medicine I had that day could have killed me. And he said "it didn't kill you yet did it?" OMFG what a terribly unloving thing to say.
And I cannot let it go. Him refusing to change the settings back, and the horrible thing he said when I was vulnerable about my fear of the medicine killing me.
I cannot understand a husband not wanting his wife to be able to depend on him. But then I think when things were so hard for us before, he was ok with me working 3 jobs while he licked his wounds, at that time he did not want me to depend on him either. I do not think he should have tried to marry me if he was not going to want to be dependable. Yes his adhd makes it harder to achieve dependability. But not even wanting to try? I do not feel safe like this. He blames it on my childhood but it is also reasonable to want your adult partner to want to be your person. That they can drop everything if you need them. I expect to be there in that way also. And it really hurts that he does not want to prioritize my urgent needs because he would rather be able to have more control over whether he is getting a phone call.
I have gotten fed up many times before but this feels different. Every little thing I have to stop myself from the words "get the ifk out" spilling out of my lips. I am so angry, scared, sad, how can I spend the rest of my life with someone that does not care if I am scared and he could help and chooses not to? I think that this is a deep injury to my ability to feel safe in a basic way. I already had things making me feel scared but this is proof that I am really all alone. And I do not want to put up with all his flaws and bad behavior if I am ultimately still alone at the end of the day. I would rather actually be alone, and have fewer headaches, than try to integrate this man into my life when he does not want to be there for me.
I get it, anxiety is really annoying. I get compulsive and "stuck" trying to talk through an issue and I know how annoying that must be bc I annoy myself badly with that behavior that I find so very hard to stop.
But I also do not know how to come back from my husband not wanting me to be able to reach him immediately if there is a true need. The fact that he needs a buffer even if I am in trouble to me means our marriage is dead.
I read him this article about emotionally focused couples therapy and how the building blocks of healthy, stable attachment are responsiveness, accessibility, and engagement.
I explained that if he does not like how I act when I am scared, then he could help by creating a stable environment. He is not consistently accessible, responsive or engaged. Partly from his adhd, partly resentment and contempt towards me.
But it is right there - if you want a calm wife, you can help by being a secure person. It is so hard to manage his consistent inconsistency, intermittent reliability. He follows through on maybe 40% of what he agrees to do, and I never know which things will win.
I have told him a couple of times the last 3 months or so when we are trying to recover from an argument that I get upset about these issues because the issue comes out as "will you be there for me if I really need you" and his answer based on his actions is no. And this is another big fat "no." I feel like there is no way to heal that. It reveals a fundamental, irreparable fracture in the relationship.
But I also know my trauma can make me think wrong things. And I know that he has made me think wrong things too. So I want to check in with everyone here and see, is it reasonable to want your spouse to want to be there for you in a time of need? Could he just be burned out? Our marriage has taken a nose dive lately. But I don't really want to make an effort anymore since this happened. I just want him to GTFO. He's caused me enough problems, I cannot handle him clearly making unloving and unsupportive decisions.
Am I blowing this out of proportion?
I had to get something like chemotherapy last week. It's a dangerous drug. I had a mild allergic reaction to it. I have gotten it before, the first time also had a snafu of health risk, and it has been like 2-3 years since I got it, so it is possible my body would not remember how to manage it. The nurse even said she is always nervous giving this medication.
I called him on my way home and he did not answer. He had told me last time this happened that he would set up his phone so my calls could get through his silent mode etc if there was an urgent need, and it would trigger by calling a certain number of times. So I tried to trigger that process. No it was not an emergency but it was a time sensitive issue. I had yucky side effects from the medicine and it crashed my immune system and we needed something from the store for the night's meal.
He has been working the early morning shift, comes home and naps til dinner time, then goes to bed early-ish, bc he has to get up very early. And he was napping. I get it, he was tired. But we had talked two hours prior to that. The previous day we had talked about him not sleeping more than an hour so he could be tired enough to get to bed at a decent hour in the night and be better rested for work the next day. He is normally a night owl which is not very compatible with the schedule he is on. I found out later he went along with the one hour thing when he didn't really want to. (How is that my fault though?)
So based on what we had previously discussed and the fact 2 hours passed since we talked, I thought it would be ok if the phone did wake him, bc that would help him align with the thing we had said was better for his sleep hygiene. (That man will not adhere to a sleep schedule to save his life, and when we are getting along he invites and appreciates my help by gently encouraging more structure. But when we are not getting along the same things he says he values are suddenly me being controlling.)
Anyway. I tried to trigger the "in case of emergency break glass" phone setting and it did not work. So I was upset when I got home bc I could not get him on the phone. Yes this is my trauma triggered, some from childhood, some from my marriage. I was angry. He minimized my concerns. "Oh yeah the world is crashing down around us because I was taking a nap and you had to wait 30 minutes to talk to me."
I ask why the silent mode breakthrough did not work. Find out he turned the setting back off, but neglected to tell me. I was livid and came totally unglued because this is like the 584th time this has been a problem. He gave me a solution then took it away without any communication. That left me feeling really insecure from an attachment perspective. He leaves so fast when he does not want to deal with a situation, he leaves emotionally all the time, so I already do not feel that I can really trust him. And now, he will not have this setting so I can reach him in spite of his silent mode and whatnot. He loves to call me controlling but avoiding his phone is for control too.
Later on I also explained that it is scary to not be able to reach my person in a time of need. And that the medicine I had that day could have killed me. And he said "it didn't kill you yet did it?" OMFG what a terribly unloving thing to say.
And I cannot let it go. Him refusing to change the settings back, and the horrible thing he said when I was vulnerable about my fear of the medicine killing me.
I cannot understand a husband not wanting his wife to be able to depend on him. But then I think when things were so hard for us before, he was ok with me working 3 jobs while he licked his wounds, at that time he did not want me to depend on him either. I do not think he should have tried to marry me if he was not going to want to be dependable. Yes his adhd makes it harder to achieve dependability. But not even wanting to try? I do not feel safe like this. He blames it on my childhood but it is also reasonable to want your adult partner to want to be your person. That they can drop everything if you need them. I expect to be there in that way also. And it really hurts that he does not want to prioritize my urgent needs because he would rather be able to have more control over whether he is getting a phone call.
I have gotten fed up many times before but this feels different. Every little thing I have to stop myself from the words "get the ifk out" spilling out of my lips. I am so angry, scared, sad, how can I spend the rest of my life with someone that does not care if I am scared and he could help and chooses not to? I think that this is a deep injury to my ability to feel safe in a basic way. I already had things making me feel scared but this is proof that I am really all alone. And I do not want to put up with all his flaws and bad behavior if I am ultimately still alone at the end of the day. I would rather actually be alone, and have fewer headaches, than try to integrate this man into my life when he does not want to be there for me.
I get it, anxiety is really annoying. I get compulsive and "stuck" trying to talk through an issue and I know how annoying that must be bc I annoy myself badly with that behavior that I find so very hard to stop.
But I also do not know how to come back from my husband not wanting me to be able to reach him immediately if there is a true need. The fact that he needs a buffer even if I am in trouble to me means our marriage is dead.
I read him this article about emotionally focused couples therapy and how the building blocks of healthy, stable attachment are responsiveness, accessibility, and engagement.
I explained that if he does not like how I act when I am scared, then he could help by creating a stable environment. He is not consistently accessible, responsive or engaged. Partly from his adhd, partly resentment and contempt towards me.
But it is right there - if you want a calm wife, you can help by being a secure person. It is so hard to manage his consistent inconsistency, intermittent reliability. He follows through on maybe 40% of what he agrees to do, and I never know which things will win.
I have told him a couple of times the last 3 months or so when we are trying to recover from an argument that I get upset about these issues because the issue comes out as "will you be there for me if I really need you" and his answer based on his actions is no. And this is another big fat "no." I feel like there is no way to heal that. It reveals a fundamental, irreparable fracture in the relationship.
But I also know my trauma can make me think wrong things. And I know that he has made me think wrong things too. So I want to check in with everyone here and see, is it reasonable to want your spouse to want to be there for you in a time of need? Could he just be burned out? Our marriage has taken a nose dive lately. But I don't really want to make an effort anymore since this happened. I just want him to GTFO. He's caused me enough problems, I cannot handle him clearly making unloving and unsupportive decisions.
Am I blowing this out of proportion?