Husbands Family Have Gone Mad... Or Is It Me?

[CraftyCath]

@Petchen ...thanks so much I appreciate you dropping into the thread.

Here's an interesting development:

We are going through some rigorous question and answer sessions at a local hospital to determine if my youngest son has Aspergers. I always though my husbands family were 'odd' and had some very strange ways of dealing with people. Friends of ours went to a 'buffet tea' at my sister-in-laws on Boxing day as they are friends with my other sister-in-law (the one who's husband as kicked her out) so there was my sis-in-law and her husband, the other sis-in-law and my father-in-law my friends (a married couple).

The family did not know that were were aware of the said buffet or that we are in touch with these friends. Our friends said they were told by one sister to turn up at 4pm so they arrived at 4:10pm only to be told by the other sister that they were early which made them instantly uncomfortable as you can imagine.

For the first 2 1/2 hours they just watched TV and talked about the programmes but my friends said the conversation was strained and they had to really try to engage the others in conversation. There was lots of uncomfortable silences until they had the buffet which they all sat around the table to eat and they kept on talking about the TV.

My friend asked at the beginning if anyone else was coming and she was told that it was just them as my sister-in-law could not cater for any more. They are well off and have catered for more before. She said that any meaningful conversation was avoided for shallow conversation even though our friends know the family well.

When we chatted with the lady who was doing my Son's assessment she wanted a family history and straight away said that it would seem that the Aspergers has come down the family line from my husbands dad, to my husband and his sisters and my sons (both of who show signs of Aaspergers although my youngest is markedly worse). The assessment process is rigorous and requires my son to be interviewed (with or without us although he chose to have us there), then we, the parents have 3 interviews (both a couple of hours long) to discuss his childhood in minute detail, then my son has a final interview. Also, he will be seen this Friday by a lady (specialist Autism psychologist I think) who will come to the house to see him. After that a final report will be done and a diagnosis made.

The lady we see did say it was a common Autistic trait to believe you are right about everything and accept no blame, to have no empathy and to be self involved.

It all makes sense. I wish my son had been tested earlier but I had to fight just to get the lads tested for dyslexia and he was such a 'good boy' and there was so many difficult kids in his class that I think his teachers were just glad to have a good kid. he fell through the loop.

We all fall onto the Autism Spectrum somewhere but my son has significant difficulties and needs help. The family on the other hand will not see that there is a difficulty with them and it might be better to let them get on with it once I have seen them.

 

[CraftyCath]

I finally did it! Husband and I met with his sister and what a strange, surreal day it was!

We picked her up and took her to a local garden centre so we could sit and have a cup of tea.

As we were going to the cafe she said, 'oh I have no money with me,' and I said it didn't matter as my husband would pay. She said, 'well, I can't remember the last time you treated me brother.' I took this as her being nervous and din't pursue it but it is an odd start to a conversation.

My husband started by talking about what had happened in the past and apologising for his part in it. She said that had suffered 15 years of us going on about our hurts and the same things over and over. this isn't true. I never mentioned my hurts and didn't know I had PTSD at the time. My husband did go on about problems we were having in the church we attended where we and others were being spiritually abused. He did go on about it for may years and he has still had no healing in this area. I explained that his Aspergers causes him to take hold of a subject and not let it go but she didn't seem to accept that.

My husband was gesticulating with his finger (which was slightly bent and in no way pointing) while he was talking. She grabbed his hand and told him not to do that as both him and his other sister did it and it annoyed her and it was accusatory. My husband was embarrassed and didn't say anything but I spoke up and said 'no, he isn't saying anything accusatory and if both him and his sister do it then it is just a habit and they should be allowed to do it. You have no right to stop him.' I then told my husband to continue. She mythologised which we accepted. I was shocked that she would grab his hand like that.

Later, as my husband was talking she kept saying, 'I't's in the past, it's in the past,' over and over and over. I told her that she had said that enough now and again she apologised.

We discussed her husbands behaviour and she said he didn't mean anything by it, that he was like that with everyone and that she had told me he had apologised in a letter she wrote me. I had the letter with me and she re-red it and realised that there had been no apology and she apologised for that. (The letter was quite aggressive and accusatory towards me). She then said that it was now behind us and I could tare up the letter. I said that I could and put the letter in my bag which was on the table. She grabbed it out of my bag and started saying, 'tare it up, tare it up.' I grabbed it back and said, 'I will tare it up if and when I choose to' and put it back in my bag. Very odd and controlling. My husband had said how she hadn't given him much time and when he was hurting she would give a brief visit after she had seen everyone else as we were the last on her list. She said that they were trying to conserve petrol and it made sense to see us last. I accepted this but my husband was unsure. He said that when Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane he asked his disciples why they could not watch with him for 1 hour and why she could not have given him more time. She kept repeating, 'I gave you an our, I gave you and hour,' over and over until I said 'I think you've said that enough.' She said she thought my husband would get angry and take anything she said out of context and use it against her at a later date. I told her my husband would never do that, he is not his dad.

She said that she didn't know why her husband was like he was or why he pretended to go to sleep in peoples houses. She said that she believed in letting people be themselves but I said that didn't include allowing someone to hurt another person and be so bad mannered. She said she had carried him for years and tried to give him a peaceful home and it seems like it was at her own expense, that she suffered while he got away with murder. She said she didn't know why she did this although it seems that she did this as a child to create a peaceful home when her parents used to fight.

She said my e-mails to her had got progressively nasty, I said they were pushy and in no way nasty as I wanted the truth about why they had lied to us and no one was telling us the truth. She again said that she couldn't invite us because of my 'fear of dogs.' which I haven't had for a long time although I remain nervous and because of my 'eating disorder,'. She said I 'go on a lot' about my 'eating disorder' and my PTSD. I said I had never discussed either with her and I never told her I had an eating disorder. My husband had explained to them once that I couldn't go out to a posh restaurant because i had problems eating in public places but he has never gone on about it and I have never mentioned it. I said her family were terrible at communicating and got their wires crossed a lot. It seems that when my husband told them about my problem they have latched on to it and used it from then on but I have told them nothing and I've told them nothing about my PTSD except that I have it - I haven't discussed it with them at all so I have no idea where this has come from but I chose not to push it as I knew I wouldn't get anywhere.

She said that in her letter she had put in some encouragement about how gifted we both were. I said she hadn't and she asked to re-read the letter. There was nothing in there except negativity. She apologised again and this time handed me the letter back.

At one time she told me to quieten down as I was getting loud and people were turning to look. I can't remember what had happened but I think it might have been when she said I go on about the eating disorder and the PTSD. My usual response would have been to blush with embarrassment and shut up but this time I just said, 'let them look, I am not bothered what they think.'

We discussed a lot more and came to an agreement to let it drop now and move on. My husband is still grieving as he knows he will never be able to share deeply with her the way he wants too and that she has no understanding of his problems. I know I need to just concentrate on them when I see them and choose who I share with more carefully.

The lady who is assessing my son for Aspergers believes it has come genetically from my husbands dad and that his sisters might have it too. This would explain why they are like they are but I doubt if they'd go for assessment themselves or even question if they might have it. I am going to have a carers assessment as I have had to cope with 3 Aspergic men and all that entails and my PTSD with no support. The assessor did wonder how I had coped all these years, I told her I hadn't. Perhaps after I have the carers assessment I can meet with others and learn more about how it affects people and then I might be able to handle my husband, son's and his family better, with better understanding. They won't learn much about my PTSD even though I gave them some information on it. I guess that is too much to ask. I do know that for some Aspergic people the world revolves around them and they are stuck in their own little world and are comfortable in it.

Sorry for the length of this.

@BloomInWinter I can only thank you again. I used many of the tactics that you shared above and I think that was what kept me strong when we were talking. I cannot and do not expect her to change but I also know that I have the right to stand up for myself and I am proud of the way I handled the situation. You are right, 'no' is a powerful word indeed and seemed to work really well. Having to be clear and precise in what I said helped a great deal. I was not aggressive but I was firm and I think that helped. I said that she could choose to stay as a friend or not and I would respect whatever she chose. I said that it didn't bother me one way or the other weather I was part of my husbands family or not and that I wouldn't be upset if they chose to keep their distance. I think she was a bit shocked but I think she did say that she could see that I had changed (for better or worse I don't know) and she did e-mail me yesterday which was a step forward. I know we will never be close and I am OK with that, my poor husband isn't and feels like he has lost his family. They were never really there for him anyhow - but I am. So big hugs to you for helping me so much. :hug: