Hypervigilance, Trauma, Alert - Fock Up!

[Sarah2017]

Has anyone ever fallen into the pattern of being paranoid about everything your partner does, even though he's incredibly supportive?

I'm in a state of hypervigilance at the moment - alert to every noise/move he makes. I get irritable when I perceive that he is speaking too loud, or when he says or does something that is not quite "perfect".

I'm also extremely hypervigilant to monitoring what I believes others think of him/ how others see him and our relationship - this is actually a MAJOR issue, and exhausts me because I attempt to "gather" evidence that usually aims to confirm my negative fears.

My partner has supported me through thick and thin , but I feel as though I'm going to self destruct and create our downfall, if I can't get a grip of this hypervigilance/alertness.

Please, please share your experience!

 

[Deleted member 40384]

Yes, I feel that way as well. My partner is incredibly supportive, and I'm also hypervigilant most of the time. What you described about being alert to every noise, movement, or thing he doesn't that isn't "perfect" - I often feel irritable as well (not full-on rage, but more of a subtle, gnaw-at-your-patience kind of edginess), and after some self-reflection, I find that the irritability serves as a "cover emotion" for feelings of overwhelming fear and helplessness. My attempts to "monitor" my partner's behavior (even if I don't say anything to him) are misplaced ways to try and gain control when I feel my own life circumstances are uncontrollable. For me, this is different from the hypervigilance I feel when I'm out in the world around people who don't feel safe - it's more of a self-protective fight-or-flight response. When I feel like I need to monitor or control my partner's behaviors, I try to first look within myself instead of focusing on the "wrongness" of the noises or movements he's making, and identify my experience - what is on the surface, and what is beneath the surface? I also do this when I'm feeling more paranoid than irritable - I identify my vulnerabilities and fears.

Have you talked with your partner about your fear of causing the relationship to fall apart? What specifically are you afraid that others might be thinking about your relationship? Are you worried that it might affect how he sees you? I've struggled a lot with the fear that my partner would abandon me, and oftentimes the fear of abandonment gives rise to hypervigilance and filtering experiences to find the negative. As scary as it was, talking to him about my fears helped lessen the fear (although the fear creeps back in at later times... this is why it's important to revisit the subject and value open communication and vulnerability). It also helped to give context to the fears - where were they coming from? From experiences or feelings of inadequacy, wounded self-worth, helplessness, past abandonments (physical and emotional)? Knowing the context can allow for more self-compassion and awareness.

 

[Friday]

Relate? Yep.

I was about ready to rip someone a new asshole earlier this week for an imagined slight to my mom. Why? Same reason. My HyperVig is up & I am in "massive overreaction" mode. :wtf:

I didn't (yay me) but I really wanted to. Not because of what was said/done but because I am edgy as f*ck. Hyper-analyzing everyone & everything around me. Can we do that emoji again? Oh hell yes, we can. :wtf:

I settled with venting and relieving as much stress as I could, in other ways, and pulling back from situations I was reading wrong (and knew it). Caveat. Was there a slight to my mom? Yes. There was. Was it as big a f*cking deal as my head and heart were making it out to be? Hell. No. Did my pulling back (being weird & awkward) make the situation worse? Yep. Anywhere near as much worse as it would have been if I'd blown up? Nope.

Stressors -that kicked off this round of HyperVig- are gone... And I am *finally* starting to settle. It'll probably still be a few days before everything ramps down, even if I keep blowing off & venting as much stress as possible. I'm just so tightly strung that it takes a slow backing off on that to prevent a meltdown in the other direction. Wound too tight? Can snap. Release to fast? Badness. (Grief, shame, guilt, remorse, self-hatred will rush to fill a void). The whole what goes up (whether happy-up or stressed-as-f*ck-up must come down, thing.). I have to back off being on high-alert sloooooooowly... Or first the adrenaline crash will take my legs out from underneath me, and then the rest of my self control, and I'll be a puddle (of self loathing). Where's that emoji? Right :wtf:

There were a lot of things that -if I'd had them in place BEFORE the stressors came- that could have made things a lot better. I didn't. So I didn't have a true north to lean on, nor a safety net to fall back on. Things like routines, exercise, areas of competence, confidantes/reality-checks, exercise, breaks I didn't feel bad about taking, etc. I promise, I really AM working on trying to build in those things & others (self care in a nutshell) into my life to help absorb the "blows" of stressors kicking off my symptoms. I'm not there, yet. So I'm dealing with things like massive stress spikes that the best I can do with them right now is to recognize them, and try and blunt the edge of them & their effects (like being super HyperVig) on my life.

 

[o0O0o0O0o]

Has anyone ever fallen into the pattern of being paranoid about everything your partner does, even th...

Hi Sarah2017,
Thank you for sharing your experiences and post.

I too can relate with your situation, especially the part about finding yourself exhausted from worrying about evidence that confirms your fears. I was diagnosed with PTSD about 8yr ago after a 3yr emotionally and physically and abusive relationship. Afterwards, I worked to educate myself on PTSD and domestic violence (police and community counseling), only to fall into a second abusive relationship a few years later. Following that, I resumed counseling and participated in Mindfulness and VAW groups. Last year, almost a year ago, I met a man who I truly thought (think) could have been the one. But I think he is ending it (he's been on the fence since late last week) and I am struggling greatly with the intense emotions, while trying to stay calm and put the pieces together. I'm devastated and overwhelmed with grief, confusion, panic and some dissociation. I share this in the hopes that maybe it can help you, others, and perhaps help me get a little peace and understanding too.

I have been physically assaulted by 7 men over my life (my father, partners, coworkers, strangers). And I have been trying to take the right steps and learn how to trust both myself and others. Making the decision to be in a relationship with this man seemed an easy choice, but I had no idea how hard it would be to trust, and to believe that it wouldn't end in betrayal and devastating pain, despite my best efforts.

Trusting that he cared and was being honest was so much harder than I had anticipated, and feelings of fear were often overwhelming. I tried to deal with the fears the best I knew how, but I responded with shock and tremendous fear (frozen) in the times that he was dishonest, or when my fears caused him to act out against me aggressively. And I had (have) a really hard time letting go of the fears related to those times. I had (have) a really hard time discerning between real red flags and things that seemed like red flags based on my experiences and subsequent DV counseling. I was hypersensitive and hyperalert, and I wasn't always mindful of the effect that it had on both he and I. I didn't always understand how hard it was for him to be seen as someone who could hurt me, especially when he was trying so hard to help.

And he did help, a lot, maybe more than anyone else in my life. But he feels it might be best to end things now, because he wants to move on from the stress that the symptoms of my PTSD bring into his life.

I resigned at work a few months ago, burned out, because I stopped being able to cope with how hard it had become to balance the intense emotions related to the relationship with the demands of my highly stressful and competitive career. I was facing nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks daily and just kept pushing. I had forgotten to continue to emphasize the need for self-care and self-soothing techniques. When he started pulling away, I started chain smoking and retreating instead. Managing and numbing the fears became all-consuming. I made the wrong choices.

I wish I had the hindsight then that I have now. And I know more will come with time.

Our fears have a place. They make sense given our histories and need to feel safe. I wish I hadn't succumbed to my fears. I wish I would have taken better care of myself. I wish I could have believed in myself and others more. I hope that I am taking the steps I need to now.

I really hope that sharing this helps you. I hope you know that you are not alone in your struggles. That there are many of us out here who can relate, and who are here in support. And who believe in you.

Thank you again for sharing. I hope something I have written helps in some way.

Wishes for moments of peace and calmness to you and all :)

 

[Deadman]

Hypervigilance knows no relationship boundaries.