I almost attempted today...

[Ecdysis]

Today was not a good day.

It started off good, but it spiralled badly out of control in the afternoon.

It's due to my housing situation.

Which is due to my own dumb fault.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Some years ago, when I broke up with my then partner, I agreed to continue co-habiting on the farm with him, foolishly assuming that we could manage as friends.

It was for a variety of reasons, a major reason was that I was afraid he might suicide or drink himself to death.

Not a good reason, obviously.

Anyway, I've paid a high price for it.

It's taken a huge toll on my mental health.

Over time, it got worse and worse and worse and worse... eventually, I got the police involved, cos I just couldn't cope with it anymore.

At the beginning of March, things got really, really bad. Cops were called again. It got to the point of "IT HAS TO STOP NOW OR THIS IS GOING TO END UP KILLING ONE OF US, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER".

We both started looking for alternative accomodation.

He found a new place first, started moving out but left all the animals with me, so it's now my job to figure out how to take care of them/ find a new place I can live and take them with me/ re-home them, somehow.

Anyway, so for the past 6 weeks or so, he's been "moving out" one trailer load at a time, taking his goddamned f*cking time.

And he's been drawing it out, and drawing it out and drawing it out... on purpose, playing head games with me.

I've been asking him to quit it, to just f*cking leave, but he's got a new excuse each time and tells me to just "get a lawyer" if I want him gone, knowing full well that it would take weeks, possibly months, before a court would force him to remove the last of his possessions and return his keys.

Anyway, today things reeeeeally escalated.

He's got ADHD so pushing boundaries, provoking someone for the sake of it, not taking "no" for an answer... stuff like that is his daily M.O.

Anyway... I came close to attempting today... I've had to call a suicide crisis line for the first time in years. Cops were at the farm again today, in full force (two cop cars).

I'm not going to get into all the complicated details (I'm too dysregulated and I need to calm the f*ck down).

Butttttttttt.... thankthelord..... The cops finally made him leave today.

Can't believe it had to get this bad, until they finally forced him to leave the property.

I've changed the locks as well as I could today... had to improvise a bit as it was Saturday evening by the time he and the cops left the property. And it's a public holiday on Monday, so I won't be able to change the locks properly until Tuesday morning.

It's not an emergency thing... if it was, I'd obviously call a locksmith and get them to change all locks immediately. (Would be super costly tho, and it's money I don't have right now.)

I just need the locks to be formally changed for now, so that it's officially a break-in for the police, if he tried to force the locks open.

Ugh...

Can't believe all this stuff happened today.

And at the same time, it's been such a long time coming... It's been over-over-over-over-due.

Ugh

I need to focus on keeping myself safe... I need a new anti-suicide safety plan. My old plan is so obsolete... My therapist and pdoc have retired, most of my emergency contacts on my old plan live a 2 hour drive away...

So yeah, need to make that a priority - a new safety plan for "how to stay alive and not kill myself".

I hate that I'm at this point... I guess it's my own dumb fault tho... Should've known these housing arrangements were asking for trouble.

 

[Sideways]

Housing is generally one of those Top 5 things that cause people the most the distress. Not having safe and secure housing is primary level stuff on Maslow’a hierarchy of needs, so when it becomes an issue, everything else has the capacity to cave in really quickly, and often spectacularly. Housing issue = overflowing stress cup, even if everything else is sweet.

Definitely nutting out a new safety plan is going to be extremely helpful. For me, it’s as much about what I need to do as my SI ideation is escalating, as much as the crisis moment. Because although the crisis often seems to just suddenly appear, it’s always been preceded by periods of more subtle struggle (for me).

Time spent each day prioritising self care, making that my key daily goal, is usually really helpful for me to keep things manageable, and stay out of that crisis mode.

Be gentle on yourself - you’ve been through a lot with this. You deserve to spend some time recovering from that.

 

[Ecdysis]

Thanks @Sideways

Yeah, I think I really underestimated how much damage a hostile housing situation was doing to my health/ psyche/ subconscious. It's just an unliveable situation, really. I mean, you can "survive" it. But it's not "living" life.

It's been hard to find a solution to the situation (farm, challenging finances, animals) else I'd have left this situation years ago. Can't believe that I got myself stuck in a situation like that and feeling like I couldn't leave cos of finances and animals. I've felt like a hostage to that situation pretty much. At the same time, it was me choosing to stay, cos of the animals and finances. What a mess. I've no idea how the situation will turn out, especially financially and I'm still too dysregulated from yesterday's drama, but I still woke up this morning feeling like it's amazing to have my living space to myself for the first time in seven years and not to be sharing it with someone who's ill and abusive.

 

[Movingforward10]

but I still woke up this morning feeling like it's amazing to have my living space to myself for the first time in seven years and not to be sharing it with someone who's ill and abusive.

This is amazing. Congrats to getting to this: being out of a place where you have to live with someone who is abusive. I hope this amazing feeling stays with you for as long as possible.

 

[Ecdysis]

This is amazing. Congrats to getting to this: being out of a place where you have to live with someone who is abusive. I hope this amazing feeling stays with you for as long as possible.

Thank you for celebrating that with me

I should really make it a ritual to celebrate that once, every single day, right? Maybe get a nice candle and light it and do something to make the place nicer and more mine.

 

[Ecdysis]

Ideation is bad again today.

I was supposed to go inpatient for 6 weeks starting in May and then all of this mess started up and I had to cancel.

Now I'm stuck on the farm with the animals and can't go inpatient unless it's a life or death emergency.

So I'm going to have to work out my own suicide safety and treatment plan.