I Always Come Home To Me

[Pakadlangitok]

I used to isolate a lot. But now I don't. Now I have to be around people even if they are strangers! When I come home, here I am and it makes me feel really scared.

Does anyone else have this? To me, it feels kind of good now to be around people so I think it may be healing but then again, maybe not because I am all anxious alone!

I look a little strange so it is hard to get good feedback when going out. But I can't be home a lot.

 

[Just Sayin']

Of course.

Humans are hard wired for connection. My opinion is that isolation protects us from the rejection of other people and feeling lonely or like we "don't belong" or aren't "good enough" when we're around people. And that's a horrible feeling.

The inverse, for me, is that when I'm not isolated I look for confirmation that I'm not being rejected, that I do belong, and that I am good enough. Even around strangers or while just people watching.

I feel different than other people. It feels like it takes effort to feel like I'm the same as them or that I belong. I lose touch with my authenticity in little ways as I try to modify myself to "fit in" instead of "just being myself."

I've found that doing that undercuts my self-esteem and my view of my own integrity, which only makes me do it more because the locus of validation has shifted from internal to external.

When that happens, I can't stand to be alone because I don't know who I'm supposed to be without the context of someone else. I don't know what to "do" because there's no source of validation when I'm alone.

Thankfully, I'm not there right now, but I notice that it cycles of I'm not mindful of it.

It may not be exactly the same for you, but the general description seems similar.

I hope you're able to find good company in yourself and enjoy your "solitude" instead of suffering through "loneliness" ... or worse, a desire to escape and avoid yourself (that's my M.O.)

Best to you. Hugs if you accept them.