I Always Give People An "out"

[anonymous]

I always do it, if someone invites me somewhere I give them a way out if they have second thoughts and they always take it. Does anyone else do that?

 

[NarcSis]

Never want them to feel like its my fault we didn't do something, prefer to let them back out first.

 

[piratelady]

I do the same thing. I kind of think I won't feel as bad if I give them a way out and they take it. I hope that makes sense.

 

[anonymous]

I kind of think I won't feel as bad if I give them a way out and they take it.

I prefer to let them back out first.

I understand. It is exactly why I do it. But it doesn't hurt less, it hurts worse. It makes me feel like no one really wants me around and the invitation was just made out of a sense of obligation. If they take the "out" I give them the obligation is fulfilled and in my heart I know I wasn't really wanted. At least that is how I feel. I would prefer to have a friend and not be an "obligation". I would prefer not to be invited at all and in the past I have just walked away from those people, cut them from my life. Very few people have ever called me again. I have very few friends and I think I have just lost another one.

 

[safenow]

In my humble opinion, I'd rather have one true friend, than all those "obligation" friends. I hope you didn't' lose this one.It's so darn hard when they do stuff like that.

I have a lot of "acquaintances", but most of my friends live in other states or countries. I do have one (1) true friend here in this state.

 

[maddog]

I agree that there are a lot of "obligation" friends out there - I'm sure we all have them, and despair of them. But other than their rather invalidating presence in and of itself, one of the biggest problems with "obligation" friends is that they fit so nicely into the schemas that many of us have in regard to relationships, ie, "nobody really cares about me or ever could, and anyone who says they do is just pretending...", that it becomes very difficult to accept that there may be actual true friends among them, or to spot those true friends when they are there.

I know I probably falsely categorise people as"obligation" friends sometimes when this is unfair, just because it's what I believe I deserve and all I believe I will ever attract, and I'm sure this is just as hurtful and invalidating for those people as it is for me when the "obligation" friends are so ever present in my world.

There is no end to the struggles I face with relationships, or the ways in which I feel they hurt me, and I hurt others, even as I try so hard not to.

For what it's worth, I always anticipate people taking the "way out" with me too, and almost try to provoke or initiate it, again because it's what feels right to me. So often it comes as a conscious relief when I offer others that "out" and they take it, both because it relieves me of having to battle with my typical social awkwardness, and because it confirms my own beliefs about myself and my relationships, which is a comfort zone, even if an uncomfortable one.

So sad and confusing, all of it.

Maddog

 

[safenow]

I know I probably falsely categorise people as"obligation" friends sometimes when this is unfair, just because it's what I believe I deserve and all I believe I will ever attract, and I'm sure this is just as hurtful and invalidating for those people as it is for me when the "obligation" friends are so ever present in my world.

I doubt that you don't deserve kindness from others. I doubt that you don't deserve friends. Even those who are evil bad vicious people have friends. And I doubt very highly you are any of those things. Life is not fair. But you can get help to overcome those feelings.

Have you ever seen a therapist? With the right one, they can give you grounding techniques to help you overcome those feelings.

For me, I never felt I was worth anything to anyone but a whipping post or worse. Even though I had a number of therapists none of them helped me up to that time I went to the orphanage. And even that only lasted a year, then things went back to how it was before. But finally, I had a real trauma therapist who helped me see things from a different perspective. It made all the difference in the world.

I'm sure with the right one, you can find a different way of looking at life yourself. Good luck. Keep talking (writing) your feelings. Lots of us feel that way at one time or another in our lives (those of us who have ptsd anyway.)

safenow

 

[The Hermit King]

Nothing irritates me more than people who DON'T back out of plans they made with me. Funny but true. :shifty:

 

[maddog]

Yes Safenow, I have an excellent therapist, and he is the reason I have even gained insight and awareness into my struggles, and have begun the slow but critical journey towards overcoming many of the legacies of my childhood. As you say, a good trauma therapist is worth more than almost anything else, and I am deeply privilleged to have the one I have, and glad to hear you have also known this reality.

Maddog

 

[NarcSis]

I find it hard to explain to people that how I feel can change rapidly from day to day and from hour to hour, so yeah, I give them an out so that I don't have to feel bad if I decide at the last minute to cancel something - what makes me upset is that no one ever insists I participate, y'know? No one 'fights' for me, they simply walk away until I reach out again. It does hurt, it does make you feel like you're alone and at fault and not worthy but in your heart, you have to know that you aren't and hold tight to that because it is what will carry you through.

I understand that people who don't get it, won't, so don't waste your time giving them your hurt - use distraction and positive self talk to help yourself overcome the worst of it. Your goal is to find the life thats in front of you and all around you, despite those people.