I Am A Monster, My Story

[tryingnottosleep]

I'm a monster, not an active monster, kind of a reformed one, but a monster none the less.

When I was young I watched spy, action, war movies, etc. One day it occured to me "this is somebody's day job" and decided to live a life of adventure. yeah, stupid I know, but I was young.

I became a live in bodyguard for a few years, then over time graduated to doing "high risk security" sort of the blackwater of the day. I did some domestic and some overseas work and was generally lucky. I focused on nonlethal weapons heavily and though I hurt people, I really didn't do any lasting physical harm. I even got to go on a kidnap recovery, saving a young girl. I felt great. I lived on adrenaline and seemed to have unending luck.

I saw people die and it didn't fluster me, I thought I was immune to stress. I remained composed and assumed I was fine. (boy was I wrong)

In a short period of time it all kind of unravelled. I was wounded several times, losing about half my hearing and some eyesight. I had to kill some people, and I felt troubled that it didn't bug me, that it was easy. Then right as things were getting ugly my working partner and best friend was killed and I was badly injured in a stupid friendly fire incident (we parked an armored car in the wrong place, were mistaken for attackers, and everybody just started shooting) he locked himself in when he was shot and died in front of me as I tried to beat my way through armored glass.

I still kept working, but was burnt out and unstable. I overeacted in a tense situation and fired unnecessarily into a group of fairly innocent people. Nobody was killed, but I injured a several people including a seven year old boy. This got the point through, even to me, and I quit.

For years I was buried all of this and just didn't think about it. Since \confidentiality agreements were the norm and we were trained to be generally discrete it was easy to avoid questions under the guise of professionalism, as time went on I stopped asking questions even of myself.

My friends and girlfriends all knew I would wake up screaming, or running around looking for non-existent enemies, but always figured it was just nightmares. I would laugh it off and deny remembering even when I did recall the dreams.

I got married and my wife was smart enough to figure there was something there and wouldn't accept evasive answers. Over a couple of years I told her everything. I cried for the first time in years, I sought what help I could afford. I finally admitted that I had killed without guilt or remorse and that I had been pivotal in getting my best friend killed.

The internet, the millenium, 20 years of life. All gone by and my best friend saw none of it. instead his bones lie in the ground somewhere. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that history is moving along without him. I realized while writing this that I haven't let myself have a close friend since then. freinds, girlfriends, a wife, and then another, but no real friends. I'm crying now as I write this, I just hate the years going by without him.

But now I also have to face that I'm a monster.

When people interact with me at work or church, sometimes people are jerks, sometimes people try to provoke me, and I am stunned. I can't understand that they don't see through my exterior, that they provoke me even though I am capable of killing. Can't they tell what I'm capable of? Don't they instinctively know I'm a monster?

When my grandma who I take care of watches TV and the detective shows describe a "cold blooded killer" I feel accused. When at church they say "thou shalt not kill" I think that I'm probably the only one in the room who has taken lives. And the kicker is the lack of guilt. We're told we should feel bad, but why should I feel bad that I killed someone who was trying to kill me? Should I feel bad that I was faster, or luckier? Is it wrong that I lived?

Anyhow, I'm a monster, a killer of men. If the people who pass me on the street knew what I've done, they'd shun me, and I can't understand how they can't see it, because I feel marked. I have been changed so much, how can it not be obvious? I can tell when I see someone like me, it's as obvious as their hair color, so how can people not see the mark on me?

 

[Srain]

I'm going to just say what comes to me as I read this because I have my own past, as everyone does, for their own reasons. I have my past which I am influenced by it and it can or cannot not own me or define me as a person, it's up to me. I can get help to start to resolve the issues I have with my past which have crept into my here and now because it is available, which it seems you are doing because you are here, or let them continue to take over.

People are always busy being into their own lives living their own brand of worries if that is what you are wondering. I don't know if this helps or not but I'm glad you are here.That's entirely my own opinion. Always best to get a professional opinion.

Rain

 

[Sterre]

When my grandma who I take care of watches TV and the detective shows describe a "cold blooded killer" I feel accused. When at church they say "thou shalt not kill" I think that I'm probably the only one in the room who has taken lives. And the kicker is the lack of guilt.

You write about the monster inside of yourself, does that make you a monster by person?

You write about the lack of guilt. If you really were the monster you think you are, you wouldnt be on this forum, you wouldnt be questioning yourself.
Most of all, you write that you feel accussed when you hear the phrase "cold blooded killer", I think it has guilt written al over it. Why should you feel accussed otherwise?

Do real monsters ( as you describe) question their own behaivor?

I'm sure I have a monster living inside of me, and if I would have been in different circumstances my monster would have developped, just like yours did.

I don't think youre a monster grom what you describe. I also dont think you have a lack of remorse or guilt. Real monsters have no conscience, you obviously have!

 

[Sterre]

* tucks the monster in under a soft warm blanket, and telling it it's time to get some rest*

 

[anni]

I lived with someone who used to pretend he really was what you did-and he liked it. He had no conscience and genuinely would excuse his behaviour. There was nothing which ate at him later, nothing inside which made him regret any single thing he'd done to anybody. Perhaps he did not damage anybody with a gun-he certainly threatened it enough times but the point being he hurt a lot of people physically often, on purpose for no other reason than he was angry and sometimes drunk. That's a monster. No remorse, conscience, and if anybody had asked him to care for his grandmother he'd have stolen all her money and put her in a home.

There's no monster in you. If you have the energy, it would be a kindness to yourself ( which you deserve ) to find a good T who will certainly show you this and be able to help process the past, pain, guilt in a way which will give you a future. You mentioned church. I don't know what denomination you belong to, but some of them do have pastors who are well trained in counseling also actually. These professionals would help you, and if they felt you would benefit from care beyond their expertise tend to be well-connected in the mental health care field. They'd refer you to someone they felt could help heal your pain on the grounds you just plain deserve to be healed.

Gosh, you do deserve a life now. Anybody could be wrong but I lived with a real, breathing monster and I'm just not seeing one here. Please do take care, for yourself and your grandmother.

Anni

 

[kers]

You're tortured by shame and guilt. That doesn't make you a monster, it makes you human. You--like many have us--have conflated your actions with your being. We are not what we have done. We are shaped by it, but we are more than that.

As Anni wisely advises, finding a therapist to talk to would give you the chance to sort all this out, to look at why you feel guilty for living, why you are ashamed of what you did but also relieved for surviving, and how you can move forward.

 

[seedling]

trying -

I don't think it was stupid to want a life of adventure. Most people don't know what they want to do. You did and you went for it. Don't beat yourself up for wanting the kind of life you've had.

My situation is so different from yours but I can relate to the feeling of wondering why people can't see what is going on inside. Feeling marked. I wonder why people can't see the gaping black hole inside of me. Don't they know I've looked at death, seen the other side?

Take care.

 

[Heather]

Hi trying - i've read your post and what comes to mind while reading this:

Words are very powerful. the internal dialogue we have with ourselves is critical to our emotional well-being.

You have looked at your life and evalutated it, based on your actions concluded: i am a monster.

Where as another person looking at the same situation may conclude you were young, maybe a bit wreckless, in over your head, got caught in a bad situation and then tragedy happened with the death of your friend and you were affected. You were in denial about the consequences of your actions and the impact that they had on you. Conclusion: young , reckless and made some bad choices. (who hasn't when they're young)

You also say that people provoke you and that you are stunned that people can't see "you are a marked man". That's because there is NO mark. You don't have a stamp on your forehead that says i am a monster. Don't provoke me, you look llike everyone else!:)

Monsters DON'T take care of their grandmothers or goto church or feel remorse.

Words are very powerful! You need to be kind to yourself. You need to forgive yourself. You need to start working on changing the things you tell yourself. believe me - easier said than done. I know. Peace to you . Heather

 

[Sethe]

* tucks the monster in under a soft warm blanket, and telling it it's time to get some rest*

I hate to throw in 'comic relief', but I am imagining one of the 'monsters' from 'Where the W1ld Things Are' being tucked into a not-large-enough bed with its feet sticking out of the covers.

And I do agree with the above comments. No monster would have the self-awareness or remorse that you do.

 

[Abrasky]

Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have a lot of powerful feelings from your past that are trapped in your mind. It must be really really hard.Sometimes we try to do good things, and at the time we are so brave but all these feelings rush you and send out way to many stress hormones. The stress hormones seem to turns something in us around. You feel like a monstor because of the powerful feelings that didn't resolve. But that doesn't mean you are one. You aren't a monstor. You just got trapped in the monstor bit of trying to resolve the trauma. Maybe ask yourself how old this feeling of "monstor" is. I bet it is 20 years old. It might make you feel more in the present.

 

[Iron_Angel]

You are not a monster. A monster is someone who has done those things and feels no guilt, no remorse, and never even blinks about doing it again. A monster would certainly never have PTSD. You are a human being who, like the rest of us, was overtaken by events we participated in and now have to live with. You are fighting a monster, as are we all. And we're going to win.