I Am Attracted To All The Red Flags

[Jade-]

A few months ago I met a man that I felt instant sexual attraction to,overwhelmingly so and in a way I haven't felt in a very long time. Because of how I initially felt I purposely avoided him when I saw him out and when I couldn't avoid him I made our interactions very brief.

Recently that attraction has grown stronger and I stopped avoiding him and decided to just go with my feelings, I mean,it feels great to feel this way again and I haven't had sex in a very long time. We started messaging each other, then texting,then calling and then I pushed it further to basically asking him to be my f*ck buddy.

I feel so drawn to him, I am the one pursuing him, I am the one that's trying to pull him in by using sex as a lure. I imagine a future with him, I imagine being happy, being together the rest of our lives,etc. I tell myself he's a great guy,he would be a great catch.etc.

Today I am asking myself what the hell I am doing. In reality he is emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, and one huge walking,talking and breathing red flag. Everything about him screams run away yet I am finding it very hard to do what I know I need to do. It feels exciting,it feels like a challenge. I feel obsessed with waiting for him to respond to a simple text,my heart racing the whole time, sometimes it taking 24 hours to hear back from him. When he does finally,it feels like an instant reward or something.

I am doing this to myself, I am purposely setting myself up to be used and hurt I am purposely re-experiencing all the adrenaline,anxiety, fear etc that I have always known. I am chasing after something/someone that is making me feel bad about myself,the what's wrong with me,why am I not lovable,trying to do whatever I can just to be noticed. All the old familiar feelings from childhood up until leaving my abusive marriage. And it' feels ecstatic and demeaning at the same time.

I need to stop all this right now before it goes further. I am attracted to the red flags instead of running from them. How do I stop this?

 

[Sideways]

How do I stop this?

This sounds like the person you don’t want to be.

So, who’s the person you do want to be?

It’s very hard to just stop behaviours. It’s much easier to replace behaviours with something else. If you can build up a picture of who you want to be? It will give you something else to do. You won’t need to trying “stopping that”, because you’ll be too busy being someone else.

 

[Ecdysis]

Did you see the video in this thread?

Limerence, attachment, and childhood

Watched this video by the same name and it was calling me out big time. I think this is a big part of my challenges with intimacy and dating. Limerence is kind of like a crush but way deeper—it’s the child part *sure* that they found the missing caregiver who will finally fill that hole of...

www.myptsd.com

I found this very enlightening as to why people with childhood trauma can get into such intense (and unhealthy/ unhelpful) attachments as adults.

Maybe having some insight into the dynamic will help make you a bit more "immune" to its lure and power?

 

[Jade-]

@Sideways I really like what you said. That sounds do-able. Focusing on trying to stop this is actually making it harder and worse and making me want to run to him to try to stop how I'm feeling.. But focusing on who/how I want to be, that sounds way more helpful and productive. Thanks!

@Ecdysis no I haven't seen that but will def check it out right now. Thank you!

 

[Jade-]

That video....gave me so much insight into what's going on.

I was ok and did good at limiting my interactions with him because I already knew from the first time I met him the overwhelming sexual attraction wasn't a good thing. I knew because if I had been able to I would have jumped his bones right then and there. So I knew to avoid him.

But, I recently moved and have been feeling uncomfortable, unsure and even unsafe and having a hard time adjusting to my surroundings. It's not a coincidence that this guy has a body that's so fit,so cut and he definitely looks like someone who could protect me and keep me safe. His body is what initially caught my attention, it feels intoxicating to even look at it. I couldn't tell you what color his eyes are or even what his hair looks like right now because I honestly don't think I have even looked at anything other than the rest of his body. I didn't even realize that until just now.

Boom. It all makes sense now. I'm so glad I posted here today. He's been doing this 'come here-get away' thing with me . It has made me try so hard and do anything for it to always be 'come here'. After being rejected just this morning of course it was come here tonight but I didn't go running this time. The feelings are so extremely intense though, I'm not gonna lie about that, I would love to go running right now for the chance to just look at his body. I can't even really put into words what it does to me.

 

[Jade-]

To sum it up in one sentence: I'm looking for, hoping and expecting this guy to give me a sense of safety because I didn't have that in childhood from my parents