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Limerence, attachment, and childhood

Rose White

MyPTSD Pro
Watched this video by the same name and it was calling me out big time.
I think this is a big part of my challenges with intimacy and dating.
Limerence is kind of like a crush but way deeper—it’s the child part *sure* that they found the missing caregiver who will finally fill that hole of perfect love and acceptance.
I do still struggle with this even after finishing therapy. At least I can begin to see it now. I don’t really have any questions, just wanted to open a thread for discussion if this is something you are familiar with or becoming aware of. If you wanted to share your experiences or struggles with it.

I was the student who wanted to answer every single question in every single class from Kindergarten through college. I developed deep painful limerence toward teachers, such as the junior high teacher who showed interest in my suicidal ideation. I had never had that kind of emotional attention. I also fell deeply in limerence with a neighbor woman, wanted to be her lover, and I babysat for her kids, I had never had someone listen to me like that, delight in me like that. She ended up grooming me and preying on me. She was very immature, it turns out, but I was even more immature than her. I was emotionally a toddler desperately seeking nurturing. And it’s very uncomfortable to really look at those patterns play out in my life.

Looks like I’ve got more grief work to do. Bleh.

Anyway, here’s a thread to explore this topic, which apparently is super common for abused and neglected kids, so yay us.
 
I don't go on dates. And I'm not going to, until I'm absolutely positively sure I'm not doing it in an attempt to fix myself. Aka addiction.
(I'm not even fond of the formal setting of "a date". I would rather casually let things happen)
 
I understand. It’s interesting to me that limerence is a patterned way of thinking about people in a way that’s like a crush, but used as a coping mechanism. So it can happen with people you’ve never met or people you’ve only met once, even decades ago. There’s a fantasy that if you were able to couple with that person (it doesn’t have to be romantic could be platonic) it would be like the most perfect relationship that ever happened in the history of humans,.
 
There’s a fantasy that if you were able to couple with that person (it doesn’t have to be romantic could be platonic) it would be like the most perfect relationship that ever happened in the history of humans,.
Lol exactly! The fantasy of living happily ever after before you've even met 😅 I know that all too well.
There seems to be a pattern of mistaking fantasy and intensity for love, among addicts. If you subscribe to that line of thinking.

I mean, love requires actually falling in love. And that is something we don't want, because it makes us soooo vulnerable.
 
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@ziter And when we live in the fantasy we refuse to accept the humanity of other people. (And probably our own humanity as well.)

I hadn’t thought about the connection with addiction but that makes sense. And addiction has so much overlap with child abuse/neglect. Gabor Mate goes so far as to say all addictions come from childhood abuse/neglect, which critics have highlighted as a weak point in his theory of addiction, but I digress.
 
And addiction has so much overlap with child abuse/neglect
Agreed.
Gabor Mate goes so far as to say all addictions come from childhood abuse/neglect
I like Gabor Mate. And I tend to agree. Some rehab facilities provide dual diagnosis treatment, treating both the cause of the addiction (which very often *is* childhood abuse/neglect) and the addiction itself.
 
I don't go on dates. And I'm not going to, until I'm absolutely positively sure I'm not doing it in an attempt to fix myself. Aka addiction.
(I'm not even fond of the formal setting of "a date". I would rather casually let things happen)
This is also where I'm at. I don't date because I kept choosing abusers. And I've had to really understand what part of my energy was looking for that. Or craving someone who wasn't available.

It's a fine line between choosing someone out of unhealthy needs vs. healthy needs. I am not even sure of the wording I just wrote.

But through this whole process of 7 years single, my dating had dwindled to nothing, purposefully. And I have changed and my body has changed: friends have told me. I am taller, my hips are more open, my shoulders are more open, I've started unlocking my hips where I stored so much trauma and can now do my left splits. Flexibility continues to improve and I continue to work at it. My arms and shoulders are all muscle, whereas before I had little upper-body strength.

I don't know how this is going to end, or what tomorrow will be like, some days it feels like I have made no progress! I went to the OB-GYN two days ago and cried and cried about seeing other people with babies, people with partners, who were pregnant. I couldn't stop crying and they were very alarmed. I also had to deal with the bullshit medical form that asks for an emergency contact and I typed in gibberish.

But there are good days too and the progress is evidence. The universe is showing me it has my back.
 
Really great to hear of all your progress @caroline_13 ! Just out of curiosity, did the concept of limerence resonate with you? Like as a kid or adult feeling hopelessly in love with someone totally unavailable to you and it being kind of like a coping mechanism?
 
Hi !

I've posted in another part of the forum, I had no respond until now but I really need to know how come I can be attracted by someone, admiring and even in love and at the same time, I can feel disgusted by the one I am in love with.

I know it sounds weird and it makes me ashamed but I can love someone I could give my life for and at the same time be some sort of disgusted and in need to have my space back for like one week or two before being passionated again.

Is there anyone who can relate ?

I am a very kind person and I consider each individual as having the same value, always smilie and ready to help but when it comes to love, I have those opposite feelings and I don't recognise myself.

I'm like attracted and repulsed without understand why.

I don't want to make anyone suffer so if it happens again I probably won't say anything so no one will be hurt but still !
 
I don’t know if it’s limerence or not, but there is a person I love with my whole soul. It’s not so much a need for caregiving, it’s just that this person is *my* person. Only I left, because they did something I couldn’t forgive. I won’t go back, but at the same time I can’t truly ever go forward, because any relationship I have isn’t *him*.

He could fill the hole. Not in a caregiving way, I just felt, whole-er - somehow?
 
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