Limerence, attachment, and childhood

[Rose White]

I think it explains my history

Yes, I understand this thought.

how come I can be attracted by someone, admiring and even in love and at the same time, I can feel disgusted by the one I am in love with

This resonates with me. I had multiple experiences like this. I felt so deeply in love and then instantly nauseated by the same person. I think it is related to fantasies but I can’t put my finger on it. It was very disorienting.

I couldn’t forgive. I won’t go back, but at the same time I can’t truly ever go forward,

It does sound like limerence, as in not being able to recognize the individual’s humanity. In the video the presenter explains that often when the special person does something unforgivable it breaks the limerence, but in your case it sounds like by getting away from him you can hold on to the fantasy version of him without the real one intruding? Not sure, but it does sound like you have split him in your mind. Maybe that’s what @Prettybluerose was getting at, a split in how we view the person, and an extreme one. Which also mirrors how we view ourselves when symptomatic with PTSD—split.

Not sure, just musing. Does any of that speak to anyone?

 

[Prettybluerose]

Maybe we are disappointed when the loved one is " ours " and we're like : ok, if he / she loves me then he/she is not as wonderful as I thought because who would love someone like us ?

Or, we might try to protect ourselves because we feel so vulnerable that we need to put some distance and being nauseated is a way to do so.

A possible reason that came to my mind is that parts doesn't have the same feelings. A part would be like : he's sooo lovely, the other is like : what are you doing with him ?

 

[Rose White]

@Prettybluerose all three of your ideas make sense to me!

 

[No More]

It does sound like limerence, as in not being able to recognize the individual’s humanity. In the video the presenter explains that often when the special person does something unforgivable it breaks the limerence, but in your case it sounds like by getting away from him you can hold on to the fantasy version of him without the real one intruding? Not sure, but it does sound like you have split him in your mind. Maybe that’s what @Prettybluerose was getting at, a split in how we view the person, and an extreme one. Which also mirrors how we view ourselves when symptomatic with PTSD—split.

Yes, you are right it was absolutely unforgivable by anyone’s standards. But it wasn’t me he did it too. So I’ve got a split between the person I thought I knew and the person he actually is. There’s definitely a split thing going on but hard to explain. I think it’s because it wasn’t me, so the fantasy is what i experienced, the reality I never saw, because when I did find out, I left. The fantasy part is still very very much hooked on him. Like claws in hooked.

 

[Rose White]

The fantasy part is still very very much hooked on him. Like claws in hooked.

I understand. In the video the presenter suggests some journal prompts to help untangle the limerence through exposure. Perhaps they would help you?

Here’s the long and short of them:

1) Think of examples where limerence is occurring or has occurred in your life and describe them.

2) Walk yourself through the limerence preoccupation. What do you actually want with the person you are in limerence with? (Example: I want them to leave their partner, become deeply interested in me, and we move into a new house together and have the best relationship ever.)

3) Going on what came up in #2 can you define or name elements that are rooted in healthy attachment for a child? (Examples: Bonding, Engagement, Being appreciated for myself, Mutual connection that feels like wholeness, Feelings of being loved and at home, Enjoying each other, Deep shared understanding that only exists in the dyad relationship.)

4) Going on what came up in #3, write about any of those pieces that were missing with your caregivers in childhood. This is probably hard to do.

5) What elements from prompt #3 does your inner child need from your inner adult?

The presenter emphasizes that no adult can ever give us what our parents didn’t, only we can do that using our own inner resources.

I haven’t done those journal prompts yet—it seems like really hard work—but I’m thinking about it!