green.finch
New Here
I feel I’ve never had a real relationship or friendship. I’m so paranoid of everyone seeing me as a sexual object, it’s draining and exhausting for me and anyone else. Especially with my heavy background of sexual trauma. My childhood specifically.
The moment someone treats me remotely human, I obsess. I tell them everything. I put them on a pedestal. I feel like I’m finally being heard and I love them so much, they’re everything. But once it’s over I detach and I get intense, usually because I feel hurt for something they said or did that in hindsight, wasn’t that serious.
I block people, I refuse to acknowledge what even happened. I do it impulsively. The mix of my bipolar and PTSD issues is horrible for me. I become so livid and panicked, which is a dangerous situation if it grows into an episode.
I’ve been isolated for two years, cutting off everyone (family, friends, and rejecting potential romantic partners) and forgetting about them so easily. I called these people my best friends or even felt I loved them. But they’re not and I don’t.
I feel guilty. I feel like I burst into people’s lives, basically begging to be heard, and leave once I vent the chaos out. I tried so hard with my most recent and only friendship, or at least what I felt was a friendship. That paranoia never left even when he respected my boundaries at first.
I have no personal life or any real connections because no one around me has gone through what I did, and I can’t tell my mom yet. I miss having people, even if I knew they weren’t genuine. All I wanted recently was at least ONE friend. I just ended up feeling like a target. And I feel like I’m constantly under a perverted watch from someone, not even anyone specific. Just everyone.
I both love and hate progressing because I used to feel and act so much worse and I have changed, but it’s painful reliving this now that I’m physically and logically “safe”.
The moment someone treats me remotely human, I obsess. I tell them everything. I put them on a pedestal. I feel like I’m finally being heard and I love them so much, they’re everything. But once it’s over I detach and I get intense, usually because I feel hurt for something they said or did that in hindsight, wasn’t that serious.
I block people, I refuse to acknowledge what even happened. I do it impulsively. The mix of my bipolar and PTSD issues is horrible for me. I become so livid and panicked, which is a dangerous situation if it grows into an episode.
I’ve been isolated for two years, cutting off everyone (family, friends, and rejecting potential romantic partners) and forgetting about them so easily. I called these people my best friends or even felt I loved them. But they’re not and I don’t.
I feel guilty. I feel like I burst into people’s lives, basically begging to be heard, and leave once I vent the chaos out. I tried so hard with my most recent and only friendship, or at least what I felt was a friendship. That paranoia never left even when he respected my boundaries at first.
I have no personal life or any real connections because no one around me has gone through what I did, and I can’t tell my mom yet. I miss having people, even if I knew they weren’t genuine. All I wanted recently was at least ONE friend. I just ended up feeling like a target. And I feel like I’m constantly under a perverted watch from someone, not even anyone specific. Just everyone.
I both love and hate progressing because I used to feel and act so much worse and I have changed, but it’s painful reliving this now that I’m physically and logically “safe”.
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