All my relationships/friendships were limerence, I’ve isolated for 2 years

green.finch

New Here
I feel I’ve never had a real relationship or friendship. I’m so paranoid of everyone seeing me as a sexual object, it’s draining and exhausting for me and anyone else. Especially with my heavy background of sexual trauma. My childhood specifically.

The moment someone treats me remotely human, I obsess. I tell them everything. I put them on a pedestal. I feel like I’m finally being heard and I love them so much, they’re everything. But once it’s over I detach and I get intense, usually because I feel hurt for something they said or did that in hindsight, wasn’t that serious.

I block people, I refuse to acknowledge what even happened. I do it impulsively. The mix of my bipolar and PTSD issues is horrible for me. I become so livid and panicked, which is a dangerous situation if it grows into an episode.

I’ve been isolated for two years, cutting off everyone (family, friends, and rejecting potential romantic partners) and forgetting about them so easily. I called these people my best friends or even felt I loved them. But they’re not and I don’t.

I feel guilty. I feel like I burst into people’s lives, basically begging to be heard, and leave once I vent the chaos out. I tried so hard with my most recent and only friendship, or at least what I felt was a friendship. That paranoia never left even when he respected my boundaries at first.

I have no personal life or any real connections because no one around me has gone through what I did, and I can’t tell my mom yet. I miss having people, even if I knew they weren’t genuine. All I wanted recently was at least ONE friend. I just ended up feeling like a target. And I feel like I’m constantly under a perverted watch from someone, not even anyone specific. Just everyone.

I both love and hate progressing because I used to feel and act so much worse and I have changed, but it’s painful reliving this now that I’m physically and logically “safe”.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
hello green finch. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
I both love and hate progressing because I used to feel and act so much worse and I have changed, but it’s painful reliving this now that I’m physically and logically “safe”.
total empathy on this love/hate relationship with myself and my unfortunate herstory. after more than 50 years of psychotherapy and around 30 years of being so unlike the child prostitute i was raised to be that many AssUme i am an ivy league debutante, i am still frequently reminded of that past and still have a hard time feeling safe. methinks the greatest "threat" i feel for my personal safety is my personal truths being discovered by the AssUmers who want to be friends with the debutante they have AssUmed me to be. i remediate this fear by challenging their assumptions with the very truths i fear they will discover eventually. the ones who can handle the truth often evolve into my greatest therapy supporters. the ones who can't handle the truth don't feel like much of a loss. those who matter don't mind. those who mind don't matter.

but i still frequently find myself lost in shame and pain for remembering the acts of 6 year old mini-me who couldn't possibly have known better. equally so for thoughtless acts i committed last week. i have come to call myself, "a prayer warrior" over the course of my long and winding recovery. my most recent prayer for this phenom is, "dear god, i am so sorry for always being so sorry. for the constant doubt which leads me to pout over lessons i have yet to learn." i call this prayer, "recent," but i have been reciting it for a good many years now whenever this psycho snake rears its ugly head.

but that is me and every case is unique. returning the thread to you. . .

welcome aboard. i hope you find healing companionship here.
 
Are you in therapy? I had someone similar to what you describe in my life a few years ago, who refused to do therapy, but basically used the relationships in his life as free substitute-therapy... which was of course a recipe for disaster for all involved. The kind of attention/ support/ listening/ healing you describe you're seeking is usually found in therapy.
 
I think it's really admirable that you are able to identify and take ownership of this pattern, it's not easy, and often really painful. You sound exhausted by the constant cycle. Life doesn't have to be so isolating, promise 💜

I second the idea of trying to work on this in therapy, particularly relational based as it's heavy on learning to practice safe/ appropriate skills about being in relationship with a solid person (ie the T) to then build on 'for real' in the outside world.
 
I feel I’ve never had a real relationship or friendship. I’m so paranoid of everyone seeing me as a sexual object, it’s draining and exhausting for me and anyone else. Especially with my heavy background of sexual trauma. My childhood specifically.

The moment someone treats me remotely human, I obsess. I tell them everything. I put them on a pedestal. I feel like I’m finally being heard and I love them so much, they’re everything. But once it’s over I detach and I get intense, usually because I feel hurt for something they said or did that in hindsight, wasn’t that serious.

I block people, I refuse to acknowledge what even happened. I do it impulsively. The mix of my bipolar and PTSD issues is horrible for me. I become so livid and panicked, which is a dangerous situation if it grows into an episode.

I’ve been isolated for two years, cutting off everyone (family, friends, and rejecting potential romantic partners) and forgetting about them so easily. I called these people my best friends or even felt I loved them. But they’re not and I don’t.

I feel guilty. I feel like I burst into people’s lives, basically begging to be heard, and leave once I vent the chaos out. I tried so hard with my most recent and only friendship, or at least what I felt was a friendship. That paranoia never left even when he respected my boundaries at first.

I have no personal life or any real connections because no one around me has gone through what I did, and I can’t tell my mom yet. I miss having people, even if I knew they weren’t genuine. All I wanted recently was at least ONE friend. I just ended up feeling like a target. And I feel like I’m constantly under a perverted watch from someone, not even anyone specific. Just everyone.

I both love and hate progressing because I used to feel and act so much worse and I have changed, but it’s painful reliving this now that I’m physically and logically “safe”.
Gosh.. you just described my whole 35 years of existence. Sadly I can relate. Don’t have any advice to offer. Just want to tell you I can relate and am this way too. Much love and luck to you.
 
hello green finch. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

total empathy on this love/hate relationship with myself and my unfortunate herstory. after more than 50 years of psychotherapy and around 30 years of being so unlike the child prostitute i was raised to be that many AssUme i am an ivy league debutante, i am still frequently reminded of that past and still have a hard time feeling safe. methinks the greatest "threat" i feel for my personal safety is my personal truths being discovered by the AssUmers who want to be friends with the debutante they have AssUmed me to be. i remediate this fear by challenging their assumptions with the very truths i fear they will discover eventually. the ones who can handle the truth often evolve into my greatest therapy supporters. the ones who can't handle the truth don't feel like much of a loss. those who matter don't mind. those who mind don't matter.

but i still frequently find myself lost in shame and pain for remembering the acts of 6 year old mini-me who couldn't possibly have known better. equally so for thoughtless acts i committed last week. i have come to call myself, "a prayer warrior" over the course of my long and winding recovery. my most recent prayer for this phenom is, "dear god, i am so sorry for always being so sorry. for the constant doubt which leads me to pout over lessons i have yet to learn." i call this prayer, "recent," but i have been reciting it for a good many years now whenever this psycho snake rears its ugly head.

but that is me and every case is unique. returning the thread to you. . .

welcome aboard. i hope you find healing companionship here.
I appreciate your words, and hear you as well. I think you’d agree that little us were so much stronger than we ever thought. The way I treat myself now is how I wished I was taken care of back then, and the difference in me is astronomical.
 
Are you in therapy? I had someone similar to what you describe in my life a few years ago, who refused to do therapy, but basically used the relationships in his life as free substitute-therapy... which was of course a recipe for disaster for all involved. The kind of attention/ support/ listening/ healing you describe you're seeking is usually found in therapy.
I’ve been in therapy for many, many years with meds included, and I have definitely made a significant change. I think when i posted this I was being far too hard on myself and sort of took a catastrophic moment of impatience and lack of kindness towards myself. I’m sure many could relate. Though what I described is very much true or at least was true once upon a time, the person I am now is so much better. I can only credit God, if I’m being completely honest. The tools He provided were always there and I finally took them and used them properly. Only after that did therapy and my meds together combined with His love changed me. My therapist told me yesterday my face literally changed, and that I have a glow. Everything is coming together. I think in my case, God was the puzzle piece I needed to start with first.
 
I think it's really admirable that you are able to identify and take ownership of this pattern, it's not easy, and often really painful. You sound exhausted by the constant cycle. Life doesn't have to be so isolating, promise 💜

I second the idea of trying to work on this in therapy, particularly relational based as it's heavy on learning to practice safe/ appropriate skills about being in relationship with a solid person (ie the T) to then build on 'for real' in the outside world.
I 100% agree, I’ve been doing that for awhile but like I mentioned in a previous reply, I have little moments where I sort of just beat myself down and dwell despite the progress. My life is actually great now, I’m just finally safe which isn’t really known to my body yet. All that brings along years of unprocessed emotions I’m successfully learning to process properly now that I can grasp them. Safely of course, lol.
 
Gosh.. you just described my whole 35 years of existence. Sadly I can relate. Don’t have any advice to offer. Just want to tell you I can relate and am this way too. Much love and luck to you.
Having someone say that they understand is so helpful, thank you. I see you, and I pray we both get closer to our peace 🫶
 
I think you’d agree that little us were so much stronger than we ever thought.
i agree, passionately. letting little me out of her repression cell allows her strength to steady my passage through my current day. i have come to feel quite familiar with little me and still believe she is much stronger than i ever thought.
The way I treat myself now is how I wished I was taken care of back then, and the difference in me is astronomical.
i believe that astronomical difference is still available to you. just believing. proof irrelevant.

when i was coming of age in the u.s. throwaway kid camps of the early 70's, the inner child theories were gaining popularity. by the time i was recreating family abuse cycles with my own two sons, the inner child theories had grown to include, "parenting the inner child." my personal psychotherapy on parenting mini me coincided with court-ordered parenting classes. i believe i have/am experiencing that astronomical difference. again, just believing. proof unavailable.

addendum
the parenting classes appear to have been too little, too late for my sons. my eldest son is currently a 44 year old, homeless crackhead. my youngest son was deeply troubled when he and his wife were killed in a car wreck on their way to visit their 3 children in CPS protective custody in 2019. i am currently raising their 3 orphans with a court order that the "funny uncle" is not allowed on the property. prayers ongoing that i have healed far enough to do a better job here in my second parenting career. with considerable community support, the children, 5, 8 and 11, appear to be thriving. i'm taking it in small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. mini me is praying along.
 
i agree, passionately. letting little me out of her repression cell allows her strength to steady my passage through my current day. i have come to feel quite familiar with little me and still believe she is much stronger than i ever thought.

i believe that astronomical difference is still available to you. just believing. proof irrelevant.

when i was coming of age in the u.s. throwaway kid camps of the early 70's, the inner child theories were gaining popularity. by the time i was recreating family abuse cycles with my own two sons, the inner child theories had grown to include, "parenting the inner child." my personal psychotherapy on parenting mini me coincided with court-ordered parenting classes. i believe i have/am experiencing that astronomical difference. again, just believing. proof unavailable.

addendum
the parenting classes appear to have been too little, too late for my sons. my eldest son is currently a 44 year old, homeless crackhead. my youngest son was deeply troubled when he and his wife were killed in a car wreck on their way to visit their 3 children in CPS protective custody in 2019. i am currently raising their 3 orphans with a court order that the "funny uncle" is not allowed on the property. prayers ongoing that i have healed far enough to do a better job here in my second parenting career. with considerable community support, the children, 5, 8 and 11, appear to be thriving. i'm taking it in small steps, big faith and lots of prayer. mini me is praying along.
From what you mentioned, it seems to me you were gifted the opportunity to start again with those three little ones. You could’ve easily kept the cycle going, but chose to do it all differently. It’s so refreshing hearing a turn around story like this, I’m so happy for you and those little ones. I’m not sure if you believe in God, but I mention it so you know I’ll pray for you and your family to keep doing great. Much love!
 
Last edited by a moderator:

2025 Donation Goal

Help Keep MyPTSD Alive! Our annual donation goal is crucial to continue providing support. If you find value in our resource, please contribute to ensure we remain online and available for everyone who needs us.
Goal
$1,600.00
Received
$220.00
13%

Trending content

Featured content

Back
Top