I Am Going To Scream

[Fadeaway]

I am so sick of being asked what "are you afraid of?" fear will go away if you face it head on" "bring the fear into the light"

What don't you get that I can't stop this physical reaction, my brain is in a fog, I can't think, my brain wont work
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[Ghostybear73]

I think the physical reaction Is what is supposed to happen, no matter how hard or painful it is as a response to whatever trigger put you there. It has something to do with exposure therapy. They say it will get better the more you are exposed to the fear.

I used to always ask, so when at my worst and I feel the only escape is death, then what? The answer was always, "back off and try again tomorrow". Well, if I could do that, woundnt life be neat.

Anyways, it is not the answer you looking for, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone here.

 

[BlueOrange]

[insert non-threatening gesture of support and comfort here]

[brilliantly-worded expression of support, combined with gentle reminder to be patient]

[encouraging reminder to be nice to yourself]

[incredibly funny joke, that reveals the wonder and mystery of life]

That's what I'd like to say, anyway. Not confident that I can find the right words, though. ;)

 

[Ghostybear73]

@BlueOrange, I couldn't have said it better myself!

 

[Momofthree]

@BlueOrange brilliantly stated!

@Fadeaway take a pillow, put it up to your mouth, scream and cuss into it as loud as you can until you can't anymore. That usually helps me... oh and then punch the pillow several times and throw it against a wall.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yeah, I'd like to punch these people. (Granted, I don't actually punch people, but that's how strong the reaction is when people say certain asinine things to me.)

*Normal* people have NO clue what its like to be so scared out of your freakin' mind that your body surges with anxiety. Oh, SURE, they'll say they know what this feeling is like, but really they have no clue. I remember what fear was like before I went fully symptomatic. Getting afraid was fun (to an extent) and NOTHING compared to now when you can literally feel the anxiety surging through your veins and it sometimes won't go away for days just because of one trigger. They have no idea what its like to feel so bad that you are praying for a flashback to come on because the end result is cathartic, even though getting through one is hell. And sometimes its the only thing that will bring you down because coping skills won't release those calming endorphins (at least not fast enough, ie within seconds to minutes).

What do I do when someone says something really stupid to me? I mentally flip it.... I think to myself "you are so pathetically blind that it isn't funny" while rolling my eyes at them (if I'm on the phone) or if its in person I just roll my eyes in my mind. I hate being condescending to people, as I hate it when they're condescending to me, but for right now, this is the one mind trick that I have that is guaranteed to take my anger away. Its hard to be angry at someone when you pity them.

 

[sun seeker]

Yup, I get it. It's hard when you need support but when you open up to most people you get reactions so far off the mark, isn't it? When even most self-help books seem like they're talking to a different species. You want to be grateful, and nice, because those people probably are genuinely trying to help, but you just feel like screaming.

Sometimes analogies are helpful. Like "suppose I had diabetes. I couldn't just will myself to have normal blood sugar." That's an imperfect analogy but I can't think of a better one right now. Or sometimes it helps if you can tell those would-be helpful people what you actually need from them. I have a friend whose knee-jerk reaction when anyone tells her about a problem is to start giving them advice, which could be helpful in some cases but in mine usually isn't. I've learned to preface talking about my problems with "I don't want any advice about this, I just want to talk."

The silver lining - for me - is to realize how validating it is, in a roundabout way, that most people just don't get it. It means this problem is real and NOT how most people live their lives.

 

[sun seeker]

Oh yes, one more thing... when you say only a flashback will help because calming skills aren't calming enough... I haven't experienced the longing for a flashback exactly, but sure can relate to being in a place where calming skills don't do much of anything. The last therapist I worked with kept giving me grounding exercises like reminding myself what day it was and paying attention to my senses to get into the present moment. I kept practicing the exercises to very little avail, finally telling her to imagine a scale of one to ten where one is calm or neutral and ten is so panicky you feel like you're losing your mind. I told her if the anxiety was around a five, the calming exercises could maybe bring it down to a four, but if I was at a nine they didn't make any discernible difference at all. Even most therapists don't know how to work with severe trauma from what I can see. I'm new here, do you have a good therapist to help you through this? It sounds like your fear is pretty high on the scale right now. Wish I could be there to give you a hug.

 

[BlueOrange]

I remember what fear was like before I went fully symptomatic. Getting afraid was fun (to an extent) and NOTHING compared to now when you can literally feel the anxiety surging through your veins and it sometimes won't go away for days just because of one trigger.

I've suspected that fear is entertaining to most 'normal' people. Not having a 'before' that I can remember makes it tricky to have confidence in that idea. Thanks for shining that light.

 

[Friday]

I've suspected that fear is entertaining to most 'normal' people.

Nope! Fear sucks.

When "scary" things are fun or invigorating... They aren't scary. They're fun. Or invigorating. I don't do adrenaline charged things (before or after) because I enjoy being afraid. I enjoy the thrill (amongst other things). Same is true for others with things that "look" scary. Be they movies, haunted houses, posh dinner parties, what have you. Things that scare one person are blasé to the next. The zombie-running, creepy movie going, adrenaline junkie... May be terrified of spiders. Will break down when given a cancer diagnosis. Doesn't matter how scary it looks, if someone is having fun.

I am so sick of being asked what "are you afraid of?" fear will go away if you face it head on" "bring the fear into the light"

I actually believe / have found that to be true. In time. With a whole heckuva lot of hard work. Some of which, quite frankly, I am either not willing nor able to do right now. Also, for me, it's usually pretty key to source out what I'm actually afraid of, because while it's sometimes obvious, it's more usually something three steps removed.

<grin> But I'm betting that's not what you're talking about! The idiots who've never had to be brave, so assume they are, never having mastered their fear? 10,000 platitudes over something they know nothing about? Ticked the 'brain donor' box, and donated early?

-or-

Unbridled frustration and exhaustion at this painful freaking process?

Am I close?

 

[Fadeaway]

I am sorry, I think this is the worst I have ever been. It has been 5 days straight that I haven't been able to calm down. I had hope and it was taken away, My husband said some things that hurt me very badly which started it, and my stupid attempt to try and talk to my grandmother because I have been craving a mother figure more than normal lately ended up with her going from denying the fact that my uncle assaulted to telling me how it was my fault and had I not been such a difficult child child and would have been more pleasant to be around he wouldn't have had to punish me like that.

Now my husband is pushing for me to file charges even though it has been 22 years.

 

[rainy_daze]

No wonder you feel like screaming. Days of anxiety because of other people. Ugh. That conversation with your grandmother sounds awful.

It's your decision to make @Fadeaway and I hope you can express that to your husband so he understands. I was concerned by the word "pushing", as I said already, it is up to you what you do, no one else. Pushing can sometimes be helpful, but not always, IMHO.