I am loosing my mind, please help me ( emdr gone wrong)

[Dali77]

Let me give you a small summary. Last week I did 4 hours of (youtube)EMDR , where I did not follow the stander protocol but emptied my mind and just looked at the green ball . Was under a lot of stress due to the coronavirus and was willing to try anything to fiend relief. Instead of finding relief, I made my situation MUCH worse. My attempt at self-therapy released a tsunami of emotion, ever since then my life has become hell Not only is there no end in sight of these emotions but every day these ''waves'' of emotions seem to get worse. Atm I can cope with what is coming my way but I am barely holding on. Try to do the right thing, lots of walks, self-care, lot of inner dialogues with my '' inner children'' , keep reminding myself that emotions can't kill me but its getting harder my the day Despite my attempts to keep myself calm , I am freaking out inside

Been diagnosed with Avoidant personality disorder and CPTSD. Before you mark me as ''doomed'' I did make a lot of progress in the past two years. Healed 4 traumas completely on my own. My mind and body are reconnected again and my relationship with my broken parts has improved much since then. Not posting this to boast but I am not the same person I was 2 or three years ago and in this state, I can tolerate more negative feelings

Can you give me some guidelines on how to survive this mess I have created for myself? Should I hospitalize myself? Based on my description, how long could this last?

Thank you for reading and I look forward to your replays

English is my third leagues my apologies for the spelling errors

 

[Ronin]

I would reach out to professional therapist.

Eventually other crisis services available.

Tell them exactly the distress you're in & why, let them help stabilize you. :)

Youtube videos aren't ever, ever anything like a professionally done therapy, and shouldn't be tried at home. Therapy isn't DIY, much less when you are new to it, and even very skilled at psychological health & trained / licensed / experienced people shouldn't self therapy without appropriate stabilizing measures & people.

So... what helps make freak outs less? ;)
As provided you don't do something self harming or that would put your life very really at risk (walking into the traffic, catching viruses while vulnerable, jumping off somewhere, harming your body)... this isn't a question of survival...

It's a question of easing the distress and protecting yourself from your impulses, messed by offset trauma.

Which hey, is dang awful, but could be worse.
Trauma is very survivable, provided you keep yourself safe / unhurt.

Hence thinking what calms you? :)

Well done on looking for help, and trying to help yourself even if those ain't ways one should try it by, and then reaching out about it again when EMDR tries went to hell.

You coped with the trauma & then aall that in looking for help, you totally have what it takes to cope with the present turmoil :)

So you will get through this well...
Just need to make sure you're the wellest possible *during*.

And pretty awesome language. ;)

 

[Dali77]

Thank you for your uplifting message, I really needed that

Did contact my former therapist but the waiting list is a few months long and I cant really wait that long. So they are trying to connect me with someone else. I did mention it was urgent, and they said they will try to get back at me asap

Regarding the youtube emdr. I had a false sense of security. Had done emdr before with a licensed therapist and was very familiar with the grounding techniques, self-care that goes along with it but was not prepared for the waves of emotions that I am experiencing right now

I spend at least 4 to 6 hours a day releasing tension from my body by just allowing the negative emotions to reach the surface and accepting them for what they are. While it does help, it leaves me both psychically and mentally exhausted. I also try to remain in the windows of tolerance. If the emotions become to intense , I take a step back , trying to come to my senses and release them again in smaller portions, this helps me from becoming overwhelmed

What I fear the most are not negative emotions or even traumas ( even tho they can be very scary) but that the emotions come at a pace that I can not cope with. That they would become so intense and strong that they would break through all my defense mechanisms. Leaving me retraumatized at best or in the worst-case scenario becoming a vegetable

 

[Ronin]

Glad you are in contact with people and organizing yourself help. :tup:

A lil note- Back *to* you in English, to say 'get back in touch'
Back *at* someone means to not treat them well / revenge / do them harm, so little prepositions could cause a lot of confusion :)

In many ways 4 - 6 hours off it are also veery trauma therapy normal, though. :) As in maybe feels extreme, definitely is suffering that better be helped... but is also veeery very normal trauma issue. With a variety of disorders coming from trauma, even.

So no - not losing your mind or alone in it :)

Well the becoming a vegetable fear, I would also put to rest.
While trauma, dissociative disorders, conversion disorders and the like can manifest in many ways, unless you use substances inducing unconsciousness or have a neurological disorder or cardio & respiratory ones, are about to injure your head, plain feelings just don't do that kind of damage you're worried about. :)

Trauma can absolutely throw one to say, depression. Where yep. Lethargy for months f*cks you up. Associated risks (dehydration, malnutrition & starvation, resulting seizures & the like & coma from them, skipped & left out essential medication, disregarded injuries & other stuff needing care, infections & complications from these... from the top of my head) are absolutely needing care. Needing prevention.

But again...
That is not just feelings & current state flipping one unresponsive.

That's many other conditions that would have to snowball from here...

And are not even most likely.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Those YouTube videos don't work. I went through real EMDR treatment, and it is much different.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Let me give you a small summary. Last week I did 4 hours of (youtube)EMDR , where I did not follow the stander protocol but emptied my mind and just looked at the green ball . Was under a lot of stress due to the coronavirus and was willing to try anything to fiend relief. Instead of finding relief, I made my situation MUCH worse. My attempt at self-therapy released a tsunami of emotion, ever since then my life has become hell Not only is there no end in sight of these emotions but every day these ''waves'' of emotions seem to get worse. Atm I can cope with what is coming my way but I am barely holding on. Try to do the right thing, lots of walks, self-care, lot of inner dialogues with my '' inner children'' , keep reminding myself that emotions can't kill me but its getting harder my the day Despite my attempts to keep myself calm , I am freaking out inside

Been diagnosed with Avoidant personality disorder and CPTSD. Before you mark me as ''doomed'' I did make a lot of progress in the past two years. Healed 4 traumas completely on my own. My mind and body are reconnected again and my relationship with my broken parts has improved much since then. Not posting this to boast but I am not the same person I was 2 or three years ago and in this state, I can tolerate more negative feelings

Can you give me some guidelines on how to survive this mess I have created for myself? Should I hospitalize myself? Based on my description, how long could this last?

Thank you for reading and I look forward to your replays

English is my third leagues my apologies for the spelling errors

Well, depending upon your location....a hospital may not be the safest place. Many therapists are doing online, including mine. Many therapists are seeing patients f2f, in limited numbers per day, if the patient is asymptomatic. With that said, I won't do online therapy right now for that reason.....what if therapy makes things worse? The online web cam is so surreal feeling...it's weird, but it is helpful, too. I am also CPTSD....and not particularly social...social situations are stressful in numbers...but not with single people. Being alone is "forced" not a choice which I'm finding myself in a quandry.....and that alone has been an interesting reaction....and being around people in conversation, 10 ft apart....is super helpful! Getting out for a drive has been helpful and there are no restrictions about how far you can drive in a day. So, what do you have at your disposal for distractions?

Exercise...walking is good, but you might need to beef it up and expend energy with more work at it.....making it more focused....count your steps....make 10,000 steps a day a focused goal.

Play is lacking, so I ordered small puzzles I could complete in a day. I'm a beginning to end person...an it is a small daily accomplishment. Working online virutally....right now can make you some money in the short term...and give you a purpose.

Finding a short term purpose if online work isn't an option....some people are breaking out their sewing machine....making masks and sending them to places where there are shortages, other people are cutting people's lawns who are sick, I am working on an online business....a project hopefully to help me $ in the future with educational resources. Some people are cleaning and organizing....I'm not there yet.

Then there is cooking.....healthy meals and freezing. Others making clipart onlnine, others drawing, painting, or playing a musical instrument. While what I'm doing is a mix of things, I'm putting scheduled walks, my T's appt, and photograph outings and driving on my calendar, alone with computer time to give me some structure.

Now the inner child issues can twist me up and get me going....and now....for me, is requiring me to cater to inner needs more carefully....lots more music, getting outside...a huge deal, art and painting, kick a ball outside-I call it exercise, fun tv shows, puzzles, line dancing with video, and cooking is more comfort than I'd like....so compromise and make comforting foods and just portion and freeze the rest to prevent overeating. I'm alas playing at Cardzmania, and meeting up with other friends, and partnering for card games....crazy 8s is even on there!LOL but I'm more canasta or spades. I'm able to turn "out of school" into playtime and party mode.......and that is helpful to have creative party and fun things to do.....they are a diversion and they also are fun....and you can have fun....even in a pandemic....if you allow yourself to. I'm also in the midst of learning some new stuff. Maybe learn something fun or take a short class...that is new, play games with others, find a purpose to climb out of bed, and put it all on the calendar...and stay on a schedule....that's the best I have....and find a T even if it is only online.....like today.....oh, and I'd consider stopping EMDR till all this settles down.....you don't need to do memory work in a crisis. Hope there is something here that helps.