I Am New, And I Am Angry

[irish ninja]

I have recently been diagnosed with complex ptsd. I am scared to death. I don't have a clue what caused it. I spent formative years being a victim until I snapped and became a victimizer. I have a gang related type violence in my past. I am starting therapy. We have for now just stated it is from long term exposure to trauma.

I was in the military. I saw no combat. i am having a hard time with the focus of this being a vets disease. I told what I thought was a friend. He replied that only war hero's get ptsd not criminals like me.

I am battling that ptsd is a sign of weakness. I am mad at god, myself, and anyone within a stones throw I can blame for this. I don't want to feel this. I feel like I have been set back from all the work i have done to be a functioning part of society.
I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I have been clean for 8 years. I have been through the 12 steps numerous times. I don't feel like I deserve this. My life is good so why do I keep crying. The pain, fear and frustration I feel today is small compared to hitting my drug bottom. I try and goto AA meetings and they are overwhelming. I go and relate to the drugs and alcohol. iam sick of people telling me they know how I feel.Its obvious they don't.

 

[amethist]

Hi irish ninja

Welcome to the forum.

Sorry to say your mate was wrong about ptsd being a Vet's disease. It is a Trauma related issue, Trauma being the main part of it, so if you have been through any kind of Trauma, this is the possible out come.

It has nothing to do with weakness, or God, but you do need to get real with it and get help and treatment for it, so you can get out of the depths of despair. It is tough and a rough road to travel, but once you get going and do what is necessary then you can start to rebuild your life.

There are members on here who will know how you feel, they have been there and come out the other side. They will also tell you that once you admit you have a problem with this, you will be able to deal with it easier.

Hang in there, it will get easier to deal with as long as you work a it. You have come a long way so far, by getting off the drink and drugs.

Amethist