I' Am New Here And Need Some Advice.

[ironbird]

I'm not really sure what my age has to do with anything. But since you ask, I'm 38 (does that make my opinion more or less valid?). I don't think I ever suggested buying her a box of chocolates and some flowers and everything will be ok - far from it.

No-one can read your girlfriends mind, no-one. No-one can possibly know whether she is capable of loving, or having feelings. Only she knows the answer to that. Not you, not me, not anyone else on this forum. PTSD can leave sufferers feeling numb, and lacking in emotions, but as I said before, PTSD symptoms have varying degrees in every sufferer, so it's impossible to answer on an individual basis. Perhaps you should take her word for it?

You asked for advice and I have given you my opinions. You can take it or leave it, it's only my opinion.

I will give you my final opinion. I don't think you are willing to accept answers that don't suit you, both from people on this board and from your girlfriend. You seem to be convinced that you can 'save' this girl and 'fix' her. Maybe she doesn't want to be 'saved' or 'fixed'. Maybe there is nothing 'wrong' with her. Perhaps she doesn't have PTSD at all.
You and her 'diagnosed' her as having PTSD. If indeed she does have PTSD, you can't pick and chose which symptoms she has just to suit you. You have read the diagnositic criteria, and quoted it, so you know the answer to the following question.

Yes, it can and it does, but not for all PTSD sufferers. I think you need to learn to accept what she says, stop trying to read her mind, stop trying to guess how she feels. And accept her for who she is, and what she tells you. Either accept the relationship/friendship for what it is, or move on. Again, just my opinion which you can take or leave.

I was reading about alexythimia and it its link with PTSD. This is obviously one of her more notable symptoms of her PTSD unfortunately. It is curable but it takes time and treatment. I guess I'll have to ride this out and accept it isn't going to get better with my love alone and treatment will probably make her worse before she gets better.

I' am in more of mental bind after last night. We spent all day together and she slept over. She said some promising things to me. For one, she has always told me she has never told her sister about her dating life, and would never tell her about anyone she was currently seeing unless it was serious. She also said she doesn't believe in calling anything gf/bf until things are serious. Yesterday she told me she told her sister we are dating and referred to me as her boyfriend... How can she do this without feelings? I agree they may get distorted but they are there, hidden. Also, I told her I'd be busy next weekend and she was disappointed and said "why can't you let me meet your friends?" then I cottoned on to her wanting to be invited out and said "oh so you want to come?!" and she then was playfully saying "you wouldnt have invited me if I didn't ask!" etc etc.. How can she have no feelings and say this? Not only say it but her manerisms projected her inner awkwardness of asking to come and sounding sad when I told her I was busy.

I don't accept it when she says she feels nothing... I suspect she is suffering from an internal struggle. I would have thought since we're talking about someone with PTSD, it was a given that she would be confused and struggle to communicate and therefore what she says shouldn't be taken as gospel. If I had listened to you, I wouldn't have helped her thus far with such a black and white opinion on things. A lot of what you say is good advice but some of it I don't accept.

 

[ironbird]

Dear ironbird, I hear your frustration. The posts are the answer: game-playing has no place with a ptsd-sufferer. Be there for her or not, that is your choice and whatever one is the right one to make for you. But she will never be able to know 'what' she feels for you, if she cannot trust you implicitly. Just as you don't know, it sounds like she doesn't know, but it also sounds like there are conflicting messages being sent between you in your words or actions.

Be honest, be gentle, be kind. The more you 'force' the more she will run.

So if she trusts me then she will gain a clearer understanding of her feelings?

I agree about the conflicting messages. I have wondered if I just stopped the limited game playing I do, she might be like all girls and lose interest. I have heard her with her friends saying "omg, that guy is obsessed with you! he calls you like twice a day!". Things like this have made me put my gaurd up and wonder that although she has a PTSD, she is like other girls in a lot of repsects. They like a challenge and not some whiteknight who is their 'bitch'. They like an alpha male.

 

[lovinbiker]

So if she trusts me then she will gain a clearer understanding of her feelings?

Oh if only there was some good easy answers to some of your questions.
Im having computer problems but decided I felt I should empart my thoughts on this thread.

I feel for you Ironbird I do having been in a very similiar position to yourself.
I have to agree with a lot of what has been said to you.
certainly some of the things you did game playing etc is going to get you know where as im sure you now realise.

I Believe that adamants comment about being her friend is the most significant for me.
Im not gonna argue what you or she might feel for each other as I dont know all the facts.
I do think that if you love her then you will want her to get better and that is understandable.

The trouble is that NO AMOUNT of love is going to get her better.
She doesnt love herself and needs to do that before she will ever manage her ptsd and I say manage as she will allways exhibit some of the ptsd traits that you have mentioned.
Im sure your aware of that if you grew up with someone with with ptsd

I think that what others are trying to say here in a nutshell is would you allow a girl to treat you this way if there was no banner of ptsd.

I believe that Nicolette has a thread entitled more than love and I suppose that best sums up a lot.
I wont deny you have strong feelings for her or her you even.
But if she cant cope with them right now then NOTHING you can do will change that and I dont take any pleasure in telling you that but it was the harsh reality that I had to face myself.

I decided that I loved her so much that I had to let her go, Im still here for her as a friend and always will be as I do love and I hope a little that I will get her back one day.
I am not wasting my life waiting or reading to many signs.
Cos ultimately if she really wanted me in her life as her BF then I would be her BF ptsd or not.

Im probably best stopping there I do hope you can take something from what I have said
Take care
LB

 

[ellokitty]

I can see that you're frustrated, and I can see what the people on this forum are trying to tell you.

Just throwing in another perspective.

Based on my experience I'd say I was unable to form strong interpersonal relationships prior to being in therapy. You're gonna fight an uphill battle if this person isn't willing to get the help she really needs. I had a guy that was with me, saw me go through some pretty dark moments, and even helped be supportive when I sought help. I went to therapy thinking I was gonna be cured on a certain timeline: stick to this for however many months and I'll be cured. Well, it didn't work out that way because I wasn't ready to deal with some of the things that needed to be addressed even when I wanted help!

Needless to say, that relationship didn't work and the rest haven't either. Sometimes I felt I could love and trust and be happy - and then I'd just push someone away. Friendships have been easier to form, but an intimate relationship is much harder. It wasn't until recently that I've started to discover the true reason for why this kept recurring. Does this make it any easier? No.

There's a guy in my life that I have feelings for now. For the first time in a long time I feel like he's worth a chance, that I'm worth a chance in being happy in a relationship. But at the same time, I've done a lot to push him away. Maybe it's games, maybe it's real. But you have to really decide if this is what you want for yourself. She's gonna be battling some demons no matter what she decides and you may not like what you see.

Just be careful and hopefully things turn out for the best for the both of you.

 

[ironbird]

Thanks everyone for your input. I have taken it in and am currently processing it.

This morning I logged onto facebook to see that she has posted on this guys wall:

"Cute kitty! So you have conformed like the rest of us! Starting to use facebook!"

This guy is the only other guy shes slept with, she claims shes never had feelings for him and he is the nephew of her old boss. She is very close to her old boss so she doesn't feel right telling him to piss off. She says hes just a friend and I am the only guy shes seen for this amount of time and opened up to this much. However, she NEVER posts on anyone's wall, EVER. and this morning she just posted that on his... It bothers me because last night I tried to call her and she didn't answer or call me back when if she is busy and can't answer, she'll call or message me later when she didn't last night. This is the first time shes posted on someone's wall and it was his for this trivial comment. To her credit shes been 100% honest with me and always tells me when hes been messaging her and that he asks her to hang out with him but she declines because she has her relationship with me in the back of her mind.

I don't know if I' am overreacting but it really gave me anxiety... It made me think she still could see him again and maybe cheat... am I overreating?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

IMHO...You need to back off. Seriously!

I haven't even read all of your posts, but I keep getting warning signals.

You need to be her friend. She needs a friend now ( like everyone has said!), not a lover. And she really does not need you watching her every move like some damn hawk.

 

[ironbird]

A LOT has happened since my last post in this thread. Here it is:

A week before new years we had been hanging out a fair bit for us and she had told me some very nice things. Such as she only wants to be with me etc etc. That was something rare for her. We went out on new years, she brought her mother along for me to meet which was a huge step for her aswell. She is VERY thingy about her mum or sister knowing about her ever seeing a guy. She always said right from the start that she would only ever tell them if she was serious about a guy. That night we were lining up with her friends to go on a ride. I was a few people in front of her and her friends and there was a group of girls in between us. They started talking to me and I was friendly back. I saw Josey looking at me and them and gave me daggers. I knew she was jealous and later in the night she made a point to bring up how that didn't bother her at all. The next day after her friends left, she came over and stayed the night with me. We had a fun time watching movies, eating and having sex.

Later that week on friday, about the 7th of january I went out with her and a few of her friends/work mates to see a band and have some drinks. There was a guy there from her work. He was added on facebook that very week and had been posting a lot of flirty comments on her wall. I know this is stupid but it made me wonder. To be honest, he wasn't her type at all, he was a big on the fat side and wasn't too handsome. Anyways I went out with her friends and noticed from the started of the night Josey just kept flirting with him across the table and ignoring me. Her sister was there too and could pick up I was pissed off. Anyway, I'll make it clear that I drank waaaaaaaaaay too much. I got emotional and stupid and the final straw was when we moved bars and when we all got seats, she sat down with her back to me, totally blocking me out of the group convo. I tapped her on the arm and told her I cant keep doing this and I am over it. She quitely said to me I was ruining her night and what was my problem? She didnt want anyone else to hear us having this convo, I was too drunk and cant remember much, I said I was sorry and didnt mean it and we'll talk later. Anyway, we went to see this band and Josey was angry at me and was ignoring everything I said. I thought If I kept trying to talk to her she would finally listen but she wasnt responding. Her sister kept telling me to leave her be and I was pushing her further away. After one last attempt, her sister grabbed me and pulled me outside. She asked me to leave and I was telling her how she doesnt know anything about our relationship, she started to cry. Josey came out and saw her sister crying and then tells me "just f**k off anton" she kept telling me to leave and I was asking her if I could just talk to her for 1 minute. We talked and I said I loved her. She smiled etc and then said "you and I need a break" she walked off with her sister. She blocked me off facebook.Things have never been the same since this night and you'll see why...

This was a bad night. That was friday and then on monday she called me. We spoke on the phone for an hour. I said I was sorry obviously. I explained I drank too much etc. Some notable things about this convo were: Everytime I have ever asked her if she has feelings for me, shes said no. She says they would appear for a while then go. However her actions always told me different. Anyways she denied this when I told her it bothers me she always says this. I was like what? How could she deny this? We both know shes told me this heaps... then about 1 minute later I said "how could you deny ever telling me that?" then she says "I have never denied it"... I was then a bit weirded out. I thought maybe she had brain damage or something.. Anyways she told me some more good stuff about not wanting to lose me and I said the best way to get over these stressful situations is to just hang out with me and "get back on the horse's back" so to speak. She agree so on monday we arranged to catch up wednesday night.

Wednesday night rolls around and she wants to go for a walk to the beach. So we talk about work etc and inevitably the convo regarding that friday night comes up. Obviously things are still readjusting to the way they were before. So after talking about that, we are still walking by the beach and the topic changes to her not wanting to continue seeing me for a few reasons. She said she feels stressed having to be responsible for someone else's emotions when shes struggles with her own. She said she doesn't want to be pressured to have sex with someone to keep them happy, she said she just wants to focus on her friends and family and keep things light. If I didn't mention before that her going out drinking with friends was her escape from her problems and obviously that night I spoilt it for her. She also said I deserve someone better than her. Basically she doesn't want to be stressed and pressured with all the dramas of a relationship. I firstly explained that things were fine between us before that night where I acted like an idiot so not all relationships are this stressful and she shouldn't avoid them in the future based of this one experience. I then said she was obviously ignoring the fact she has feelings. She smiled and for the first time ever she admitted shes never felt anything close for anyone compared to what shes felt for me. She said she has feelings and it would bother her with another girl but she would understand. I told her that we can just focus of keeping things fun and light because I dont like this drama or stress either. She said ok and kissed me, we agreed to meet up on saturday night for some drinks and have a fun night.

So that saturday none of my friends could come out but one old school buddy who I decided to invite. So we were drinking until Josey got there and to my surprise, Josey brought her sister along. They sat down and things were tense and awkward. My friend would not shut up and kept talking about my most boring crap. Her sister was texting on her phone the whole time. She was trying to see if josey wanted to come with her to some other german festival. I could hear Josey talking to her sister whilst holding a convo with my friend and she said she would stay with me for a while and maybe join her later. So her sister left. Josey stayed for maybe 40 minutes to listen to my boring friend talk crap. I was bored aswell. She then said she was gonna go with her sister. My friend then insisted we go to, I kept saying I didnt want to go but then Josey said in an indirect way I should come to. So we caught a taxi to this german festival. We got there and Josey hadn't arrived yet but we noticed they werent letting anymore people in because it was too late. I called josey and told her this and she said to me she was just gonna go home with her sister because she was tired. I was pissed off but said "oh ok, no worries" My friend left with some of his friends, I went to the train station and decided to call josey back. I called her and said sorry about the boring night and my friend was an idiot etc. I said "how bout we catch up next week?" and she said awkwardly "can we talk about this some other time?" I said ok and that was that.

I texted her on monday after that dud saturday night and asked if she wanted to catch up during the week. She did her advoidance routine and said she wants to focus on her study plans for upcoming uni and wants to stay home this week. I said "what about the weekend?" she said "I don't know, I 'll text you later in the week" So on wednesday I asked her to keep me company whilst I was at work because I had a long break. She thought I meant meet up for lunch, I said "no i mean txt message me back and fourth" I was out of town that day. I guess her being willing to meet for lunch was a good sign. Then on thursday I texted her "have you decided about the weekend?" She texted me friday night with something like "hey sorry about my late reply, I actually have a few things on this weekend, hope works going well! im sure your impressing them all!" I texted her "call me", she never did. Later that night I went out to a local bar with some friends and saw her sitting there with a girlfriend of hers. I walked into the place with my friends and didn't make it known to her I knew she was there. My friends said they saw her take off out the back exit when she saw me. We were drinking and about 30 minutes later we were sitting out the front of the bar and her friend and her were walking back to place. Our eyes locked and it was no going back from here, we knew we'd seen each other. She was awkward and said "hi how are you?" blah blah, I said "come join us for a drink" she said "maybe later" and I looked at her and said "what isnt gonna happen is it?" in a tone that is joking but she knew we were cutting past the bullshit. she said "probably not" and giggled. she went inside. I went back just because my friends were leaving to goto the mens room and on my way back I said something jokingly to her and she invited me to sit with her and her friend. We talked some shit and I said she should come to this other bart we were going to later. She said her and her friend were going to go their own way etc. I left and went off with my friends. I was pissed off she lied to me and her attitude. I was hurt because this is someone whom I have slept with and shes treating me like some aqaintance with a distant "hi". We are supposed to be exclusive and in a relationship. That is why I got emotional that friday night because she was distant. I know she doesnt feel comfortable showing affection in front of her friends and sister but she wasnt even talking to me that night before I was acting up. This night I was tempted to send her a nasty text and break up with her but I didn't.

The next afternoon I called her. She was asleep. In her state of half asleep, she asked how my night was and said hers was boring. I said "look I'll call you back later" she said ok and I called her back about 2 hours later. She didnt answer or call me back. Sunday no call, Monday, no call, Tuesday, no call. I sent a message to her on tuseday saying "what is wrong Josey? Have I done something wrong?" The next day I got this:

"I don't think we should be togeather anymore. I have thought about everything and it isn't working for me anymore. I'm sorry"

I sent: "Why? How could you be so heartless and tell me this through a text message? I thought we were just going to focus on having fun sine the other week but you have been avoiding me. You haven't been able to feel better about anything because you haven't communicated with me. Can you at least call me to talk."

She sent: "I have tried talking in person and on the phone. I just think we aren't right for each other. I really appreciate if you just let me be. Its for the best."

I sent: "Just get therapy so you don't hurt the next guy like you've hurt me. All I wanted was to be with you and have fun, that was all. Goodbye and good luck Josey."

That was it...

Nothing since that and its been almost 1 week. Normally she calls me back asap if she missed a call so thats why I knew something was up coupled with her odd and advoiding behaviour the week before. There are a lot of little technicalities that I will fill in as you give me your thoughts on this. I'am thinking now we could be friends in the future but I don't know.

How can she go from saying how she just wants me, hopes things don't end, has feelings, never met anyone of my caliber etc then over 2 weeks after a stressful night just end things. Did I overfill her PTSD cup? This is classic ptsd behaviour isn't it? Surely shes taken this long because she was thinking long and hard because she likes me but then made her decision. People in my life have said that if she really cared she wouldnt have broken things off but I have rationalised it in my mind that she is hypersensative to stress so has just pushed those feelings for me aside and kept her life as simple as possible. What do you think? It just seems so drastic. A girl without ptsd would just be able to see I was drunk and forget about that night.... things were never the same after that night between us.

I wonder if she has had regrets about ending things with me. I'm sure she probably feels too worthless to ever contact me again even if she wanted to.

 

[Abrasky]

I get pretty good ideas about blokes. You are not going to like what I say, but I have a feeling that you might be ready for therapy on your own. I think your projecting, you have issues that need addressing. Living with someone with PTSD can also be traumatic for children, I do not think this is a healthy relationship,considering your past. It sounds like you are trying to fix something in your past and this girl is helping you do this.

To put it midly you have mother issues. I'm sorry your mother died. I had a similar feeling of grief, don't let it get to you, let someone help you get to it. You have the choice.

 

[ironbird]

I'm pretty sure I explained this in my very first post.

 

[Ga5bby]

Oh wow. Okay, seriously I'm going through this exact same thing with a guy. I like him more than I've ever liked anyone. But don't always have feelings for him. The more he pressures me into being with him, the farther away I get from him, the more he texts the less I reply, I say no he thinks yes. I say I need time, he shows up at my door because I didn't reply to his message. You can't make someone have the feelings you want them to have or you think they have, if she says she doesn't love you or want to be with you let it be. You are only making things harder for the both of you. I feel bad that you have to go through this, but you need to let go. For everyones sake. . . .

 

[ironbird]

But she told me she does have feelings for me! She told me she is just stressed and can't handle a relationship... not she didn't like me and didn't want to see me. The only reason she broke things off like she did is because I made it clear I didn't want to be just friends and I could see that hurt her when I said that because she would have to make such a final decision.

 

[ironbird]

For those who have read my last big post, do you think I should message her sometime just telling her I can be friends with her? How should I do it?