I Am New Here

[brokenWing1974]

I am new here. I have ANGER ISSUES that are so hard for me to control. I am married to a wonderful man who reads up on PTSD and tries to support me even thru all of my friggin' craziness! I get "tired of being here" and tired of the everyday struggles. I volunteer my time, which seems to help. At work, I have "a role to play". but when it comes time for me to just be me....I suck! Worthlessness, anger, depression , anxiety...all that shit comes rushing at me. I wake up and feel so overwhelmed at times, I cant catch my breath.
I have been trying to stay positive and I have a good life and am surrounded by good, supportive friends and family. My enemy is my brain and the fact that I simply can't relax.
I have overcome my addictions, thank God, and I am strong enough in that area that I don't fear relapse. But as much positive re-enforcement that I get, I can't accept it. I can't accept compliments, I don't like my looks and so many more things. I know I am rambling but I just needed someone to talk to that understands what I go through every minute of the day. Thanks for listening. Please know that you are all in my prayers... I understand you... it's ME I have problems with

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome, @brokenWing1974. I started a new thread for you so that your post wouldn't get lost on the bottom of that old thread.

At work, I have "a role to play". but when it comes time for me to just be me....I suck!

I really identify with this. It's hard to feel like you can be coping in one place and then a total mess somewhere else.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hi BrokenWing!

Welcome to the forum...

but when it comes time for me to just be me....I suck!

The first thing I would like to tell you... is you are more than just the emotions resulting from ptsd.
Therefore, you don't suck. Emotions are just emotions, they don't define who you are. Disorders don't define personalities. They just influence them.

You'll get strong enough that you will overcome your own negative self-image as well :)

 

[The Albatross]

it's ME I have problems with

Well you know where you are on the map brokenWing, now how about using the energy from some of that anger to initiate some change? Welcome and this is a good place to work through issues and get some coping strategies.

 

[brokenWing1974]

Wow. I didn't think anyone would respond to this. I just took a chance. Let me make one thing clear....I am not seeking a pity party and I do work hard everyday to be responsible for my actions. I am 58 years old. I was raped at 13yrs.old by an upper classman in hs. I was raped and blackmailed by that person for 2 years and had nowhere to turn. Hence, I squashed it internally. I then entered into a marriage at 19, where the "man of my dreams" turned possessive and mentally and physically abusive. I squashed it. Turned to drugs, abused them, blah ,blah ,blah.
The sweet ppl in my life , now suffer at the hands of me and my outbursts of anger, my VIOLENT TEMPER, my isolating, my manic moments and the nasty person that lashes out because of some stupid "trigger" in my head.
I would ask what some of you do to improve the way you handle situations? I know that when I spend time with my animals and outdoors, it seems to help.
I realize that I have PTSD and make an attempt to put myself in "role play" situations- "at work person", at the dr. person....anything but just "me". I give back by volunteering and I love the rewards of helping other people as long as I don't focus on myself.
Anything that I can read for self improvement and to help my great husband (poor guy) would also be appreciated

 

[Little Flower]

Hi. I'm also new here. I'm so excited about finding support. I would say to broken wing , being a "survivor- so- far" of childhood rape and abuse that u have every right to be angry.
It hurts me that I can't control my reactions at times and I blow small things out of proportion. No one can feel what u yourself are feeling. If you need to tell everyone around you I need some space Now. Feel the hurt and the anger be prepared that its there and it may come back at any time but you are not there now. Your here and your not alone.
My biggest fear has been that no one cares. No one understands. No one knows this pain. Having support will make all the difference in my life
Peace

 

[Little Flower]

I am so sad I wish anyone would reply or start a conversation

 

[Little Flower]

:(

 

[brokenWing1974]

Don't be sad, Little flower. Thank you for your kind words. We are both new, but I already feel at home on this forum, simply because there are folks here that totally understand me. That in itself allows me to breathe and be myself here. Thank you all who read this, for showing us that we don't stand alone in this constant fight for peace in our own heads! !

 

[greenleaf]

Hello @Little Flower ! I understand the fear of being alone with this... a lot of us feel that way often; often people are not supported when abuse happens too -- seems to make ptsd more likely -- and it's weird to think of how many people are out there feeling this way, separately... We're clearly not alone in feeling this way! But the emotional part doesn't understand that easily. (Also such a mental realization doesn't just fix things, but I think sometimes it helps me a bit.)

Feeling isolated is a huge part of ptsd, so I'm really glad you are working to change that.

 

[StarChild]

I am so sad I wish anyone would reply or start a conversation

Hi @Little Flower and welcome. A good way to get to know members and give them a chance to know you, is to start your own thread in the introduction section. It hasn't to be a "whole life" covering introduction, just tell a bit about yourself as much as you're comfortable with. Because, this thread is in a special section called "Depression and Suicidal Ideation" and not everyone wants / is able, to read in this section. And ...well..this is someone others thread (brokenWing1974). That means, people will mostly answer the person who originally posted this thread...

If you want, you can also start to talk to people in the chat room. Just click on it, and there you are.

I put a link in for you, so that you can start (just if you want, of course) your own thread in the introduction section.
https://www.myptsd.com/forums/introductions.47/

Again, welcome to the forum - Just give it a try, and the people here a chance to get to know you. :) See ya! :tup: