Sufferer I Am New To Therapy For Ptsd - Childhood Trauma

[texas_mommy2010]

After being traumatized from living in isolation as a child with a deranged father.

I am 27 and I finally reached out and started seeing a therapist in December and he is wonderful, and at first I was feeling so much better. Problem is, no matter what I do, I just can't seem to escape it. I start to feel better, and then fall even harder into a depression. In 5 months, I have only had to call my therapist 3 times because I was seriously distressed in between sessions, so I guess that isn't too bad. Is this kind of thing normal?

Problem is, when I see my therapist each week, I am in a good mood because I have classes in the morning and I enjoy college, so he doesn't see what I'm like in between sessions. So now I'm stressed because I worry he doesn't believe me.

This is why I have so much hatred toward my father, who committed suicide when I was 16, because of the isolation, I have no confidence in dealing with people. I have panic attacks when I go out with friends because I'm terrified that they don't actually like me and that I am just being pitied. I sometimes feel worse about calling my therapist than the feelings that made me want to call him in the first place. He says it is ok that I call him if I need him as long as it isn't at night, but I still feel horrible when I call him.

I just don't know what to do. When I do manage to fall asleep, I wake up constantly from nightmares, I tried taking sleeping pills and they help me stay asleep, but then I can barely wake up in the morning. I just don't know what to do. He assures me that it will get better, but I think im going crazy. Has anyone else experienced this? I was doing so well when I first started therapy, but now I don't know what to think

 

[PTSDMama]

Hey there! I'm sorry that you had to go through all you did as a child and therefore having to work through it now. I am not myself a sufferer, but my son is. As for the doing better with therapy at first then feeling worse again, that's what my son experienced. For him, it seemed like he did really well and things were looking up. Then he hit a plateau. Then things got worse again. We moved and so now are trying to start with therapy again, so not sure how that will go.

His previous therapist explained that it is common. She said that it starts to feel good to have someone helping you, but then you're faced with all the work and all the re-living of the trauma, which feels bad. She said all her clients experience that to one degree or another and that it does get better for longer periods of time.

Hoping someone who is a sufferer can give you their perspective, and hoping in the meantime that you can rest assured others have experienced this.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I hope that by reading the experiences of others here and the information that you won't feel so alone.

 

[Pencil]

Has anyone else experienced this? I was doing so well when I first started therapy, but now I don't know what to think

therapist explained that it is common

I'm not in therapy as I can't afford it, but I thought I'd never return as I seem to get undone in therapy. This is giving me hope.

 

[Leah123]

e assures me that it will get better, but I think im going crazy. Has anyone else experienced this? I was doing so well when I first started therapy, but now I don't know what to think

This is common in my experience. I started therapy because of a crisis, I hear that many people do. Getting help was a relief, and it felt good at first. But then, we started uncovering my deeper issues, and tackling such painful, personal stuff put my focus on it, so it seemed magnified, and worse. The middle part of therapy is very hard in my experience. I'm in my second round now. My first successful round was when I was 14, and my world pretty much fell apart in the middle, but it came back together in a beautiful, amazing way, with WAY more room for happiness. As far as I know, and from my experience, what you're dealing with is normal for therapy. Best wishes, I hope things feel better for you soon!

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Welcome Texas_mommy. I think it's normal. I've been in therapy for quite a while with a therapist that has been in sessions with me for five years. She got to know me really well. She would tell me I could call, too, but most of the time I didn't think it was necessary because I felt 'I could handle all on my own' (I couldn't, but that's my way). I think if I would've called her and actually accepted her help, I would have had feelings of (misplaced) guilt, too. I felt the same way about talking to the studying counselor, like I was overreacting and being dramatic.

Then whenever my therapist actually had some insider experience on how I behave at times (I got seriously out of control a few times and she either was there or she heard about me behaving that way with people she knew). I would feel guilty of that too, and I would think she probably disliked me (even after five years!) In between, I had periods where it was allright and I actually feel like she helped me out (just like your therapist).

I have this one app on my phone that helps me rationalize things like this (it's called iCBT). For example, I enter "I did so and so, and now I'm afraid my friends think this and such about me". Then, you pick what kind of patterns you see in this kind of thinking. For example, your mind is making predictions (that are based on fear, not reality). It's important to distinguish between emotions (like fear) and try to juxtapose a rational thought to every one of them.

It does get better, yeah. But everything comes in episodes. You'll just get episodes where things are better, more frequently in the future. Which doesn't mean that you will not fall back again, just that you will be able to deal with it better, to see it from a better perspective, and get out of it sooner.

 

[Abstract]

Hi!

I think one of the main things that happens in therapy is that all our vulnerable spots come up.

I'm terrified that they don't actually like me and that I am just being pitied.

I worry he doesn't believe me.

And it usually feels like it is the therapist that is doing it to us. That's transference. Its very painful.

And what helps is to have a different outcome. To discuss it all honestly with the therapist. A good therapist will help us have a different outcome than we had in the past.

There are always going to misunderstandings and frightening feelings. Above and beyond the big trauma stuff which destabilises us. It is that working on the relationship itself in therapy that helps many things. And yes I think it initially always feels much worse. I do think it is normal. And when working on trauma even more so. For me just walking through the therapy door leaves me totally destabilised.

I hope you can tell your therapist all of this. It can be helpful to think of anything that comes up being about something you need to work on and heal. Something from the past. Your t needs to know so that they can help you with it.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Texas_Mommy,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

As you read the posts here, I believe you will find that many members have experienced a worsening of symptoms as they work through issues in therapy. It is pretty normal for things to get worse before they get better.

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial as you work on healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[Abstract]

Hope we didn't frighten you away Texas Mommy! :)

 

[BeeLee]

Texas_mommy, I am new to the forum as well. What you are describing is normal, natural. I don't think you need to worry about your therapist not believing you. You wouldn't be going to him if you didn't need him. There is nothing that says that we cannot enjoy some aspect of our life, in your case going to college. I enjoyed that tremendously myself, and in fact, knew I excelled at school. It was one area of my life in which I was sure of myself. Continue to feel good about going to college and don't worry or stress that your enjoyment of that is going to cause your therapist to not believe you.

I understand perfectly your feelings related to your friends. I always felt like there was no way anyone could like me. In fact, I hated going out into public because I felt people were staring at me and judging me, and that I was coming up lacking in some way. I told my therapist (at that time) how I felt and she commented, "My how important you are!" I looked at her in shock. Here I was telling her how I felt "less" than everyone else around me and that I was being judged by them, and she was saying that view was somehow thinking I was important. She could see my confusion and said, "You are so important to everyone around that they will take time from their own problems and issues to stare at you and judge you." She was absolutely right. It made me realize that every one has problems, every one deals with some issue and more people than we realize probably feel as inferior as we may feel. After that, I was able to go out in public without feeling judged (as much). Your friends are your friends because they care about you and love you. We can't choose our family, but we do choose our friends, and they chose you.

Regarding the sleep, it was suggested to me to try melatonin. It is a natural chemical that our body produces when we sleep. I have a friend that swears by it, because regular sleeping pills didn't help her. They don't help me either. She said that you wake up from a more natural sleep and feel well-rested in the mornings. I haven't tried it yet, as the therapist also suggested it tonight. It might be a solution for you so that you can sleep a more natural sleep cycle and feel more rested in the morning. I'm going to try it, but will wait until the weekend when I don't have to get up so early for work.

Finally, good luck to you. 27 was a very difficult age for me in dealing with my issues. But it was also an age that was a turning point for me. It was the age that I began to dig myself out of the hole I had been in most of my life.