I am not better...

[SeekingAfrica]

I am really not okay. I'm so not okay all my needs are dysregulated and not-functional that most of the time I don't even know where to begin.
Mental health? Home adjustment isn't enough, insurance isn't an option or helping. I try adjusting habits, using AI and books and youtube and so on to get ideas on planning, on habits, on healing myself. I don't think I'm at a level that's cutting it.

Work? I am job searching, gig hopping and earning so little it's getting demolished by daily expenses (and I'm still feeling like a villain postponing SO MUCH, REGULARLY). And I'm so busy into the day to day management of poverty, I never actually change my base situation, even though I do have a diploma and skills (some, if they are relevant I can no longer tell). And then I get so hopeless it takes me forever to get up in the morning even though I sleep enough hours. It takes me days to take actions that will take hours if I wasn't so terrified to the bone of everything.

Social support? I am isolated in a toxic environment with lots of negativity and yelling and also isolated in options for changing that by location, so I just... isolate even more. And then I feel useless and alone and hopeless. Like I'm doing this to myself, which at this point I'm not sure I am not.

Also everything here reminds me of the trauma I didn't resolve and I'm not okay. I mean do I get up in the morning eventually, sure, do I teach the classes I have booked sure, but really am I actually improving, not just digging myself deeper in debt and being less independent, and less in control and more isolated? No, not really.

And it becomes a magic circle. And I know, I know I am responsible for me, I know there must be ways to change if you can see them, I know change is possible, I know my past shouldn't define me, and I still get stuck. I'm so terrified of everything, and everyone that I make stupid decisions, I make things worse and worse and worse, and I can't stop. There are changes as usually with time, but it's not enough, it's not bi,g and I feel like I'm caught in a bad pattern and I still don't know how to stop myself. I get stuck and I just exist and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper into dysfunction and unhappiness and being too frozen to change.

I'm scared I'll never get out of this.
I hate this post. I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm just not okay.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Times are getting harder now so it makes sense to feel that way. You gotta keep moving forward and trying even if the positive changes seem small, they are still positive.

 

[arfie]

more and more i believe there is such a thing which i call, "information overload" where i have gathered far more information than a single life form can possibly process, far less implement. when i am suffering information overload, my resources are so thinly spread and fractured that i can barely breathe or walk.

my personal remedy for information overload is intellectual/spiritual fasting. i cut myself off from any new intel until i am thinking clearly and independently once more. just breathe. . .

dunno if this applies to your case, or not, but i thought i would throw it out there.

steadying support while you cipher your own case. easy does it, seeki.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Sending hugs and sitting with you…I understand hopelessness…we just don’t give up

 

[shimmerz]

I'm so not okay all my needs are dysregulated

Every single one of them? Or is this a broad statement? Is there anything that you can/are do/ing that is calming and soothing to you? If not, can you try to think of something that you can incorporate?

 

[Liljuls]

I am really not okay. I'm so not okay all my needs are dysregulated and not-functional that most of the time I don't even know where to begin.
Mental health? Home adjustment isn't enough, insurance isn't an option or helping. I try adjusting habits, using AI and books and youtube and so on to get ideas on planning, on habits, on healing myself. I don't think I'm at a level that's cutting it.

Work? I am job searching, gig hopping and earning so little it's getting demolished by daily expenses (and I'm still feeling like a villain postponing SO MUCH, REGULARLY). And I'm so busy into the day to day management of poverty, I never actually change my base situation, even though I do have a diploma and skills (some, if they are relevant I can no longer tell). And then I get so hopeless it takes me forever to get up in the morning even though I sleep enough hours. It takes me days to take actions that will take hours if I wasn't so terrified to the bone of everything.

Social support? I am isolated in a toxic environment with lots of negativity and yelling and also isolated in options for changing that by location, so I just... isolate even more. And then I feel useless and alone and hopeless. Like I'm doing this to myself, which at this point I'm not sure I am not.

Also everything here reminds me of the trauma I didn't resolve and I'm not okay. I mean do I get up in the morning eventually, sure, do I teach the classes I have booked sure, but really am I actually improving, not just digging myself deeper in debt and being less independent, and less in control and more isolated? No, not really.

And it becomes a magic circle. And I know, I know I am responsible for me, I know there must be ways to change if you can see them, I know change is possible, I know my past shouldn't define me, and I still get stuck. I'm so terrified of everything, and everyone that I make stupid decisions, I make things worse and worse and worse, and I can't stop. There are changes as usually with time, but it's not enough, it's not bi,g and I feel like I'm caught in a bad pattern and I still don't know how to stop myself. I get stuck and I just exist and I keep digging myself deeper and deeper into dysfunction and unhappiness and being too frozen to change.

I'm scared I'll never get out of this.
I hate this post. I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm just not okay.

Seems like you are in deep trauma episodes which never make sense.trauma needs processing,not sure of your story but I had to process many things,many times before it made any sense.due to my brain constantly finding ways to protect me from years of abuse,there came a time when I had to just hide and not be with a job.so in my life I had to give up alot in order to give this full attention,nobody could help me though it helped to have a Therapist to talk with.in time things just made sense.be kind to you.this is not a very good time to be hard on yourself.be nice to you.it is normal to fell abnormal.it has taken many years for me to feel and be better.Take good care of you

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Times are getting harder now so it makes sense to feel that way. You gotta keep moving forward and trying even if the positive changes seem small, they are still positive.

I just feel like I've been on this journey forever and I've just dug myself deeper into a hole. And every time it feels like it can't be worse, somehow I manage. So all the positive just drowns into that. Like by the time I'm actually better I may get myself into actual legal trouble or actual threatening situation. It maybe paranoia from sustained months and years of way too deep depression. It maybe that. There was something I was that afraid of last summer, and here I still am fine. But the thing is at this point it's like it's splitting my brain in 2 with anxiety. And I can't pull myself out. And no, the current times definitely do not help anything.

dunno if this applies to your case, or not, but i thought i would throw it out there.

I do know cases when information overload has happened to me. Thanks. I don't think this is the case, but I appreciate it. I just feel like I have not enough options so I'm scrambling trying to find something helpful and... it just hasn't stuck yet, none of it.

Sending hugs and sitting with you…I understand hopelessness…we just don’t give up

Thank you. Right now I keep wondering if I should be giving up so I appreciate it.

Every single one of them? Or is this a broad statement? Is there anything that you can/are do/ing that is calming and soothing to you? If not, can you try to think of something that you can incorporate?

I mean mostly. I mentioned a lot of what isn't working in the post I think. Something that has... I don't know. I have been tracking my expenses with an app, and using 90% of anything I can give to return loans. That sounds like a lot but currently I only have a part time gig- and a lot of debt from last year. I don't have health insuranse so I'm avoiding health appointments (and can't fix that for a while more). My earthly posessions are scattered with friends, I am living on a couch. One month situation that will become one year soon. Pathetic.
The longer this is going on the worse my mental health and the harder to regulate it enough to work enough again. I did start tracking calories trying to lose weight. I'm too depressed to workout much or even not be in bed as much, but at least it's made me aware enough to stop binging. I tried every planning system under the sun to get control of myself, and now I'm back to my lovely bullet journal trying to set it in a notebook that didn't work 3 times, but maybe this time. I am consistent in teaching with few students. That makes almost nothing, but ok, I am consistent. I am consistent in spending all I can in debt repayment. I stopped taking sleep meds, and after trial and error currently I watch to fall asleep, but after that I seem to sleep enough hours. except if I'm excessively stressed like these last few weeks and I have nightmares. But I still manage to keep falling asleep for long enough. So that's something. I still don't take good care at all of how I look, working out and moving is hard, cleaning and keeping order at all is a mess. Cooking sometimes I stay consistent for a while, then it falls apart again. Just all the daily stuff are so inconsistent at the moment. Can't even talk about the state of my connections to other people.

Also got myself triggered about something that affects my present, but is also connected to the horrible last year. And it makes me not want to wake up way too often. I end up being so stressed about the little stuff it makes the big stuff impossible so much that I end up distracting myself for hours. And it just never gets better. Just as I think there is a moment, a spark, and it gets REALLY bad again.

when I had to just hide and not be with a job.so in my life I had to give up alot in order to give this full attention,nobody could help me though it helped to have a Therapist to talk with.in time things just made sense.

Yeah, that was me. But in the situation I was at, I just created such bad horrible consequences from that time, that now the anxiety is killing me. And yes, I'm in full trauma reliving state, which doesn't help.
I keep thinking I'll get better, but time has passed and the improvements are little, and consequences big. And I haven't made enough progress, I keep sliding back, and yet I'm still so exhausted of trying all the time. I know I make no sense. I'm really really not okay. I feel like I've went through something traumatic, and while some people deal and move on, I instead ended up actually ruining my life. I keep fixing things, and trying to be positive and one step at a time, and this and the other and I am so exhausted of it. It feels like I was just lying to myself.