I Am Not Trying To Kill My Mother, I Am Trying To Kill Me Breakthrough.

[Muncher72]

Bear with me, for this is a major breakthrough and has changed the way I look at my nightmares.

For years I dreamed of killing my mother or at the very least harming her severely in my dreams. Night terrors as I called them. And if you were unfortunate enough to be sleeping next to me, you might get punched too.

Now I have learned through some intense therapy that I have taken over where my mom left off in abusing me. It is my own self that I hate, and hence, I want to kill off that part of me that has turned into my mother. I have not necessarily turned into HER the abuser, but I have taken on that role in that I am abusing my self. There is part of her in me and I want to kill it. What a revelation.

 

[TLight]

I wanted to kill my father for as long as I can remember. He's dead now, but wish I had for what he did to me and the damage. But I know God is punishing him now.

Yes, frequently we take over where our abusers left off. It's the only thing we know and we subconsciously think that is what we deserve. I abused myself for decades, slapping my own face even when I got upset. I couldn't even look in the mirror I was so disgusted with what I saw. I was raised to an atmosphere where my abusers destroyed any sense of a healthy self that could have developed. Hence, we hate and abuse ourselves and continue to do to ourselves what they did to us. It's only natural.

Glad you had this realization and I hope you can teach yourself to be kind to you.

I am 45 and just now beginning to even know how to be kind to myself. Don't waste your life hurting you...........

 

[Muncher72]

Learning To Be Kind To Myself

Thank you so much for you words. I am 38 and I am just a tad pissed it took this long to figure that one out but happy just the same. Learning to be kind to myself is hard work. Frankly I am not used to it. But some days I enjoy it and find it quite rewarding to end the cruelty. What a mystery our psyches are and a mystery how deep the abuse infects our souls.

 

[James B.]

Muncher72, thanks so much for the sincere and powerful post. Am right there with you on the seriousness of how abuse "infects" our souls. Am 53, and a tad pissed it took about 35 years for me to figure this out. Too. :-) Learning to be kind to myself is new to me, and it's like going through a door into unknown terrain, except...there's a part of me (kinda) that does know the terrain. Just long forgotten? Thanks again for writing what you did.

 

[pandora]

I can so relate to this post too. There are the bad parts that I hate..though I am a sucker when she IS really nice to me.

 

[James B.]

This'll Seem Kinda Tripped-Out...

or off topic...

But the more I thought about the "soul being infected" the more I could relate. The second part of this 9 minute video relates in a metaphysical way.
It's just some words, ideas and stuff. NBD. Just wanted to "toss this into the hat" so to speak. Honest, there have been times over the years where I swear my abusers were inside me/standing right by me. Really sucks. Anyway, here's the vid: Enjoy. :smile: