I Am So Sad

[ButterflyPEI]

I don't know what is wrong with me tonight. I can not calm down, I can't stop my head. I am so sick of living with this shit in my head. It is eating me up. I'm tired and want to sleep but my mind will not let me. I feel like I'm going to explode.

I felt kind of ok all day. Had my mom and grandmother over for Mother's Day. I was very tired though. Then after supper and company was gone, I went to lie down and read because I knew it was going to be tough to settle, I could feel it settling in. Then my belly started bothering me. So I took my sleeping meds so I could try and calm down for sleep. That was at 11pm. It is now 3am and I feel so wound up I think I am losing my mind.

I want to cry and I want to scream. I want to just lay down and die all at the same time. I am so tired of feeling like this all of the time. I don't know what I can do to get to a point where I can make sense of things again, where I am able to follow conversations and take part actively in life again.

My doc has made a referral for an out of province treatment center to do their trauma program but how am I ever going to be able to cope there? I'm losing my freaking mind. I hate being like this. I feel as though my world is crashing down around me a little more every day. I hate that I am like this. I have ruined so many relationships from being this way. I never set out to be a sick person, that's not what I dreamed of as a child. But here I am and everyone hates it, including me.

Going to lie down again and try to sleep. I can not calm down. I can't stop panicking. Normally I would call my mom, she is the only one who gets it but she moved yesterday and her phone is not hooked up at her new place yet. I am so scared. I want to run and hide but where in the hell can you go to hide from yourself?

 

[AngelaMarie]

You had your mother and grandmother with you. Could it be possible that it triggered something in you? I hope you can get some sleep. Try to focus on something positive and breath. Even if you can't sleep for one night you will be okay. Just try and take care of yourself.:)

 

[Michel]

I do hate that "feel like I'm going to explode" thing. For me it is rage and anxiety and despair and grief and resentment and more, all rolled into one emotion that is just too strong and too big for my body and mind to hold.

Maybe your doctor would be willing to prescribe anti-anxiety meds to make it easier for you to try the treatment program. They might help with sleep too. For me, sleeping pills just induce an anxious sleep that lasts a few hours. Anti-anxiety pills let me sleep the sleep my body needs. That is, instead of forcing my brain into a sleep state, they take away the barrier to my natural sleep pattern.

Hope you're feeling a little better today.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Thank you both.

Angela,
It is possible there may have been a trigger there. It was a very stressful afternoon. Just a lot of noise and everyone wanting to be heard.

Michel,
I am going to talk to my doc Thursday. I can't put in another night like last night. I was so scared. I take seroquel every night along with a sleeping pill and last night I even took a valium but nothing would help. Even today I am not in good shape. My stomach is in knots and I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm so tired of this, I really am.

Thank you both again for taking the time to read and respond.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I hope you can get help. That is great that they are trying to send you to a place. What province? I hope it is not too far. It can be scary but once you are there, your mind can have a chance t o relax and let others help. If you have a chance, it might be a great experience.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Hi OKRADLAK,
The center I'm going to is in Ontario and I am in the maritimes so I will be away from family and friends for a while but I need to do this. I just hope my province approves the funding! I was there before to do a depression and anxiety program and that was about 8 years ago. At that time, I have never been away from home alone, was only 21 and was so homesick that I could not apply myself to the program. I don't have those fears for this time. I will do fine on my own, in fact I may even enjoy the time alone. I am worried about the program itself though in that I don't know if I can wrap my head around it. I can't focus well on anything! All I can do is try though I suppose but I'm scared. I can not fail again and have my family and friends throw it in my face (although I'm not sure they should be in my life if they are doing that, but that's a whole other story!) I hope I can get through today and sleep tonight. I can't calm down!

 

[ronin47]

Curl up in bed and listen to some music. Sometimes just shutting out the whole world like that is the best medicine. Maybe the fact that you can't call your mother is part of what's stressing you out so much; not having that coping tool at your disposal. I know I can get very tense when I don't have access to things I use to calm myself when I'm feeling stressed.

 

[Srain]

I hope you were able to get some rest.
Sending you peace and thinking of you,
Rain

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Hi folks,
I had a very fitful sleep again last night. Sick to my stomach and could not fall asleep. I am just full of anxiety and I don't know what it is about. It gets a lot worse at night, so ronin, I'm thinking that it may be because I know there is no one around that I can go to because they're all sleeping! I can't put in too many more nights like this. Had to sleep with a garbage can last night my stomach was that upset and its not the flu. Going to try and take a walk this evening and maybe that will help a bit.

 

[AngelaMarie]

I have had many time like that!!! (((Hugs))). Hang in there.

 

[Srain]

I have too, it's starts to get old real quick. A warm bath and soothing music might help as well, it's not good to so long without sleep.

I hope the anxiety levels out for you soon.
Peace,
Rain

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Thank you both so much for caring. Anxiety level has gone down some thankfully. Was away from the weekend and that really helped!! I'm lucky to have the people on this forum to care. Thank you again.