I Am Wear Of Remembering. Things Are Becoming So Clear. Need Tips On Coping

[rightkindofme]

I think there are some times when we have to surrender the whole day if we do any processing during it, because it takes so much out of us. I know that might not always be practical, but it can be helpful to at least give up the idea of anything that's not completely essential and, apart from those things, expect nothing of ourselves other than wrapping up, crying, and self-soothing.

I lose days to crying. Oh yeah.

 

[rightkindofme]

rightkindofme, thank you for sharing what you did. It makes sense that it is a developmental issue. I have been journaling, first making a list of what bothered me about my dad with the eyes of an adult and then I wrote some more. It helped me to seperate a situation that I had been taking very personally. I was having an emotional flashback. I think the situation triggered me into an emotional flashback and it superimposed over the situation and my feelings were very hurt and it was tormenting and torturing me.

I am doing so much better now that I seperated the two situations.


So I suppose it is safe for this stuff to come up now. I was freaking out. I am not freaking out anymore.

When I can step back and recognize that I am responding to "old tapes" (that's what I call them) it allows me to be able to kind of stop my thinking, pick it up, put it in a box, and then I can try to look at what is in front of me. If I don't do this consciously I often don't have any idea I am doing this till much later when it is too late.

Every time I hit a "safe" period in life something big comes up. It feels very unfair.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

rightkin.dofme, I am sad that you cry so much but I envy your ability to cry. I cannot cry. It happens every once in awhile. Not like I would like to. Next time this happens to me I will have learned about emotional flashbacks, the old tapes. I will journal about the old tapes and put things in their proper perspective. It is unfair that stuff comes up when we hit a safe period. I will handle things better from now on. I am simply amazed at how much better I feel now.

I am so grateful to have sorted out everything. Hugs.

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((Gizmo)))

Somewhere in my trauma diary I remember saying something about how painful it was to remember, but that I would still prefer remembering than having that nagging feeling just below the surface. And you asked me if I would really prefer to remember. And in the end, it was horrible (and it still isn't easy sometimes), but I feel stronger as I come to accept the reality of those times - I feel more able to move forward and they nag at me less.

I think you're doing the right thing, and it will get better - just keep going.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Meadowsweet for taking the time and effort to respond to this. I think it is better to remember with the eyes of an adult. Something shifted in me so that I can do this now. It has made such a profound difference in my life. It is painful but oh so worth it. I can put the blame where it rrightfully belongs and it frees me up. It is better to remember with the eyes of an adult. It makes such a huge difference. I feel more solid today and I feel one hundred percent better. It has the same effect as emdr. The memories do not torture or torment me anymore. Hugs.

 

[Abstract]

I am doing so much better now that I separated the two situations. I am feeling better.

I am starting to see with the eyes of an adult and not a child. I am seeing things I never saw before and I feel like I am beginning to integrate this information into me as a whole person

Hi Gizmo,
It sounds like you are processing a new layer of emotions and understanding about your father and family and your place in it. That sounds like wonderful progress even though painful. :(

I think when we think as a child we see all as our fault and others often are excused their bad behaviour. We take on all the blame that was piled on us. But growing up emotionally is maybe when we can look at it as someone on the outside would and place blame where it really lies.

I can see why that person unexpectedly verbally attacking you would send you back into those feelings of your father physically and verbally attacking you. And its hard to see anything clearly when we are in that emotional space isn't it?

For me there are two different tiers when that happens. The one is all about my ability to set boundaries, protect myself and manage relationships and the other is just random and I really am back in the past. The first is hard but the second leaves me reeling in a different way.

So glad you are feeling better. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

(((Abstract))) Yes it is hard to see clearly when having an emotional flashback on top of a real life dilemna. The emotions from the past are so heavy and full. It superimposes over the real life situation and confuses the situation. It definately left me reeling.
ete
I am feeling better. I do not take the first situation so personally anymore. I figure I do not need that person in my life anymore if that is the way the person behaves over a difference of opinion. And I am getting in touch with my adult feelings towards my father. So I work on those past memories with my dad in my journaling in the morning. Then I let it go, for the rest of the day.

I am feeling better, stronger and more solid as a person. I have my self respect back for me. I look at my friendship as a gift. I can take it back from people who do not respect me. I feel like I got back a part of the old stronger me. It is hard to explain.

But I think it would not have happened had I not had the support and help from all of you. You really made a profound difference in my life and I appreciate it so much. Thank you is not enough but it is all I have. Hugs.

 

[quaintpapercut]

Hi dear gizmo - sorry I wasn't able to offer you support when you needed it. I completely understand what you are going through. I'm so glad your feeling better though :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

quaintpapercut, thank you for your kind words. And thank you for the hugs. It is the thought that counts. I am glad I am feeling better. I was really in alot of pain. But it is all sorted out now. This forum is sure a healing place. Hugs back at you.

 

[Shellbell]

It is a healing and supportive place and we are here for you Gizmo, in the same way you are here for so many with kind and caring words, support and advice.

:hug:

 

[Philippa]

Hi Gizmo,

This is really good work you're doing here, even though it feels terrible. Everything you've said I can relate to, as my own process has been pretty much as you described it in your opening post. Some days I spend all day on the internet trying in vain to distract myself from the sadness I fear may overwhelm me, even though I've been through plenty of crying in the past anyway.

I've been getting the inner guidance to write a letter as well, as the feelings of betrayal have been coming up lately, but have still not gotten to it yet. It will come, but I just wanted to say that it's important to listen to your body in all this, as deep processing is really hard work, and it takes so much out of us emotionally, which in turn takes it out of us physically...so, if your body is calling out for a nap, give into it instead of resisting it due to any feelings of guilt or thinking you have to keep going.

When we sleep and rest, is when our bodies have a chance to heal, and since these emotions are stored in the body and are starting to surface, I think it's wise to really pay close attention to drinking lots of water and resting as much as possible and practical.

And this thread has been a great support to me as well, and full of wonderful advice.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much Shellbell. I so appreciate what you have to say to me. I look forward to reading your posts. I really got helped out so much this time.


Hi Philipia, I agree with the feelings of betrayal too. I think betrayal is one of the hardest things to overcome. It hurts so deep. I hope you will be able to journal about yours. Just start with the beginning and keep on writing and let your thoughts and feelings flow when you are ready.

I have been staying up very late and I think I need to sleep more. It is so hard to wake up in the morning. I have stayed up because it is my me time. I drink alot of water. I have been trying to take care of myself.

I have gotten so much help and support and wonderful advice in this thread. I still hurt alittle from being attacked but I am doing so much better. I will have to journal on this some more. Thank you so much for all of your help and support. I really do appreciate it so much.