Relationship I Am Wondering If Perhaps The Carrot Doesn't Work Perhaps The Stick Could???

[Sunshine71]

Dear super people

I dont know how much more of the mood swings I can take.....

Has anyone ever said this to their PTSD suffering partner???

I am wondering if perhaps the carrot doesn't work - ie support perhaps the stick could - ie "I am not coping, I want us to be together and excited about our future & life - however I cant take the mood swings etc any more and I am struggling to continue to cope - I cant afford to get ill too and its not fair on our son".....

I understand that perhaps it will add to stress but I need him to know that I am really falling apart and I am thinking a lot of how to cope with splitting up.

I dont want to but equally I dont want this for the rest of my life........

Thanks all

Sunshine

 

[Barberian]

Personaly I don't see "the stick" as a viable tactic. I am a PTSD sufferer. When I'm not doing well with my PTSD any challenge to the status quo is a challenge to me. Of course every person is different, and this might not be the case with your partner. The only way I see this as being effective is if you, in a supportive mode, tell the sufferer that they need to get on the ball and stay on it as far as consellig and medications (if prescribed) go. Let him know it is taking a toll on your mental health, and anything he can do to lessen the load would be greatly appreciated. I suggest stronly you reherse this in your mind and don't use challenging or confrontational terminoligy.Most PTSD sufferers I know already feel victimised to some extent, and having a loved one "turn" on them would be devistating. PTSD is not something that can be turned on or off like a lightswitch. The brain and emotions and how things are processed arn't "normal". Logic does not necessarily apply any more.

Have you sought counceling as well? The burden on loved ones can be tremendous, and support of a councelor might be the magic bullet you need to get through the tuff times. A coucelor might provide help by changing the way you see PTSD. A counselor can give you ideas on how to encourage your partner to stay on track for his mental health care plan.

The oppinions expressed above are my own, I offer no warrenty of any kind. Each person is unique, use your best judgement.

 

[amethist]

Hi Sunshine.

I think we have all said something along those lines at some point, but using the stick is probably not a good way to go. It could end up causing resentment to set in, for either one of you or both.

Knowing the NHS system as we all do, and know that they actually know very little about PTSD and how to treat it, does not help at all.

Finding a way to express how you feel in a way he understands, without putting the blame on him, as it is his PTSD that is causing him to be like he is, is really the only way you can go wit this.

I know it is not easy, and I have to admit I have done the "Volcanic eruption" bit, only to find I was back at square one in no time.

It is only when he can see what is going on around him, that things will change. Yes this does sound un-exceptable, but it is how it is sometimes. They are so inside themselves because of the PTSD, that they cannot see very much outside their own inner world.

It is hard, but it can change, but it can take so long you cannot see an end to it. They have to put the work in and have to see how it does effect you when they dont. But it is hard for them until the penny drops and they get that light bulb moment.

Until then all you can do is keep doing the best you can, and if something un important falls by the wayside, then leave it there, until you can pick it up at a later date.

Do the best for you and your son, he will catch on one day, hopefully before it all falls apart around him.

Amethist

 

[simplekindofgirl]

I want to add something here real fast.

Sunshine, only you know what is best for you, and only you know how much you can take. If you feel like it is indeed doing damage/taking its toll on you and that you feel or are contemplating splitting up, that is your decision to make. However, do not use that fact in order to manipulate the situation. PTSD or not, using the power to threaten with a withdraw from the relationship is a form of emotional abuse. So if you do not intend to actually pack your stuff and leave, then do not even suggest anything at all to the effect.

If you are at that point where it is completely exhausting, start making phone calls. Call, call, call. Call every mental health facility within a 200 km region until you get one that says, we can help you today or tomorrow. Use your energy for something that improves the situation by taking control of the system instead of your husband.

I hope this comes across the right way. I do mean to say it as respectfully as possible. I know it is difficult as a supporter, been there. But I also know what it means to be a sufferer. And we all wish that we didn't have to be either the former or the latter.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much everyone for your super feedback - THANK YOU - Your honesty and support is so appreciated.

I really am worn out and scared about how further slumps will affect me now. I really dont want to leave hubby I want to leave the PTSD.....(!)

We had a good relaxing day yesterday thankfully and it all changes when we pick up our son. HUbby like peace and quiet and that doesnt happen with a 5 1/2 year old (!)

I want him to know how I feel - I cant talk when he is in a slump and when he isnt I dont want to rock the boat. There are times I can talk and will think about how and what I say of course.

I dont want to add to his stress and equally I dont want to spring a surprise on him if it just is too much now.

Thanks all and I wish all all a sunny weekend.

Sunshine xx