I Am?

[guilty girl]

I am 18 year old girl and the most cursed girl. I know i would never be happy in my entire life.yes,i deserve death ,i am a bad sister and a bad daughter.it depends on you whether you consider me villain or victim. Really,i need someone to revive my hope to prove myself,to prove that i am a good daughter and sister.
I had great childhood although my parents dont get along with each other but they try their best to give me and my siblings to enjoy and be happy.I love you mummy daddy.I still remeber running my toy car on my father's stomach.I dont know from where to start....?
When I was small 6-7 ,i was once molested by my eldest sister,then she was 13-14.it was not much severe but it affected me .she made me to touch her vagina in sleep. When i woke i ran to basin wondering why she did so. It happened only once and i have forgiven her.she is very kind hearted and cares me a lot.i remember her standing with me in my ups and downs.she has helped me a lot in my studies infact she is a lovely sister.she is married now.
The real part of my trauma is i molested my brother at the age of 12. Then he was 4. I did it 2 times then i realised that it is wrong and i stopped.now he is 10.
2 months before i remembered that incident and happiness vanished from my life.i feel intense guilt for doing so . i want to end my life but i dont want to hurt my parents. I am really depressed. I cry almost every hour .my family is worried for me. I shared my problem to one of my sisters.she said that i was small then and i should move on. I dont know why it is easy to forgive others but not one's ownself.i love my brother . i asked him if i did anything wrong to him , he said that sometimes i scold him and nothing else. I dont want to recall him that incident else he will spoil his future. My inner self is crying.i wish i could change my past.i have stopped my studies and always cry. I am depressed. O god,i am a molestor.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Really,i need someone to revive my hope to prove myself,to prove that i am a good daughter and sister.

This is only something you can do.

I question though, what defines a "good daughter" and "a good sister" to you? If its what your mother/father and sister/brother thinks, my therapist wrote on the back of his his business card very early into my therapy (about my family) "What ever other people think of me, is none of my business" and its hanging on my fridge. So what do you think should define a "good daughter" and "good sister"?

the most cursed girl. I know i would never be happy in my entire life.yes,i deserve death ,i am a bad sister and a bad daughter.it depends on you whether you consider me villain or victim.

All distorted thinking/cognitive distortions.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The real part of my trauma is i molested my brother at the age of 12.

i am a molestor.

Here, the replies here in my story might help frame that better (as it applies here too and also you may see that you aren't alone): https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-start-of-grieving-little-me-1-of-2-reasons-im-a-monster.58415/

Either way, I struggle with A TON I was forced and even eventually willing did as a child. One BIG thing my therapist says is my adult mind cannot judge my child mind back then.

You were a CHILD acting out because you yourself was abused. You are NOT a child molestor so as long as those thoughts & actions arent continuing. It is a common occurence of child abuse. You are the victim, not the perp!

ETA: I can relate though. Up until just recently I thought of myself as a child molestor, one that needed to be punished forever and only my therapist knew of it and didnt know the details until I posted that. You took that first step! :hug:

I may have missed it but are you in therapy? If so, they should know this to help you work through it as, for me anyway, it was rough to navigate through. And I am still struggling with other things i did non-forced though not as much.

If you arent in therapy, I would suggest a therapist. You need some help to navigate the trauma you experienced.

 

[guilty girl]

I am numb.what to say? What i wanted to be and what i became. I never touched my brother's any private parts. But i did something wrong with him. I am totally torn.I was abused and i abused my brother ,that was totally my fault and i fear if he would abuse anyone?
My brother behaves normally.Infact,he loves me very much.I have stopped crying since last night. But that tears have turned into intense depression.
I wish i were 5 year old enjoying my life.
I have decieved my parents.remorse has become part of my life. I cant afford tharapist. I deserve sorrow but yet i love my parents,their hard work to let me have good education,they are much worried for me now .I dont know what to do ?please let me out of it.

 

[guilty girl]

:( Need help.

 

[Casey_03]

I think you need to speak to a therapist about this. Children who are molested can act out the abuse on other children -- it's pretty common. I don't think that you did what you did because you're evil or a villain, but probably because you didn't really understand what you were dong and you just knew the same thing had been done to you. You are right that you need help, but you also need to understand how the cycle of abuse works. And that you're not alone.

 

[guilty girl]

I am trying my best to improve.I cant get therapist in my locality.My parents are really worried for me.I have suicidal thoughts but still i am alive for them.
I have stopped going to school.Seeing my friends happy i feel lonely.I fear seeing people around myself. As much i want to be away from my past,the more it stucks with me.
I am a emotional girl with love for mankind.I tell you i have sympathy towards downtrodden.I never did anything wrong in my life except that. I dont know how to handle this situation.
Plese help me to move on.since two months i was searching various sites for help and today i found the right place.
Am i really a bad person? When i try to enjoy then i feel that i dont deserve it.I dont deserve happiness.what to do now?

 

[hodge]

Would your parents be open to the idea of paying for you to have therapy? I mean, you say they of course know that you're suffering. I know finding therapy is not easy in your area and is probably pretty expensive if it is available, but can it hurt to look into it? As a last resort, there are therapists who counsel people online. I'm sure it's not very cheap, but maybe one would give you a payment plan or something given where you live. I just want to help you explore all therapy options because I think you really need it and we on the forum can support you, but we're not educated therapists.