I Blew Up On My Fiancee Last Night

[Elizabeth7]

I blew up on my fiancee last night, striking him. He asked me a question about who I was in a car with years ago, he is very insecure due to a abusive relationship (cheating, he and the other) mental verbal and physical.

He has hurt me in the past and when he asks me questions stemmed from his insecurity I cannot describe how angry I become in a second. I asked him to leave the room and he wouldnt. Then I was standing in a way where I was trapped and I snapped and struck him many times. He still would'nt leave so I got a knife and slept with it (to intimidate him and also protect myself because he wanted to hug me and I repeatly told him I do not want to be touched) I can't "just calm down" once it triggers and sets off.

Does anyone deal with something like this, the rage that is instant and seems uncontrollable? It's as if I have not even a split second to think before I struck him.

Today I felt horrible because putting your hands on someone is never ok, I know because of all the abuse I suffered.

Any tips would be so very appreciated

 

[anthony]

My only addition to this would be to lose the knife... hitting is one thing when losing control, which you acknowledge as an issue and want to work on, taking a knife to bed, well... you could end up in jail due to accidentally stabbing him in your sleep or startle.

 

[ericaboo]

I've learned to redirect the rage reaction, but I haven't learned to get rid of it it, or even really lower the intensity.

It is always better to take it out on a replaceable object than a person. It is even better if you can take it out on something where neither you, another person or property gets hurt in the process.

I know it happens in a split second, but I've found it possible, over years of practice to make a split second decision to reduce the fallout of the incident.

The last time this happened to me, a few months ago, I threw an object, cutting my hand really badly in the process. I didn't hurt anyone or anything except my hand and my dignity, which is better than I can say for past incidents.

There is a list of suggestions in "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" by McKay, Wood & Brantley which I'm reading right now. That might be a resource for you.

I don't know how to fix this, but I'm learning how to reduce the injury, expense, guilt and consequences -I wish you the best in doing the same, and hopefully managing things better than I am able.

In my experience it takes time, strong personal accountability, trial and error, and a strong desire for change.

 

[Elizabeth7]

Thank you. I will ask my T about the book you mentioned. I had taken it out on myself for many years. Then, held all inside. Now, it's outward towards the ones that have abused me. I am very dissapointed with myself and it is quite frustrating when it feels you have no control over it. Saying that I do not mean it as a way to not take responsibility for myself. Afterwards, I feel horrible and depressed. I have looked and applied some different methods to reduce the tension I always feel. My T says I have too high a level of accountability, meaning I feel responsible for everyone and thier wrong doing, as well as refusing to forgive myself when I do. I feel terrible for my inability to spell correctly or to use proper grammar. Last night I walked very fast, then broke into a sprint. I recently had back surgery and since my father put me on the ground the recovery from it has been tough. It felt so wonderful to do, even if I am not cleared to do so. For me, it has to be physical. Writing is occasionally helpful. Screaming in a pillow is nice. I am sorry about your hand. I too wish you the very best and thank you again for taking your time to write and for your wonderful advice.

 

[Elizabeth7]

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My only addition to this would be to lose the knife... hitting is one thing when losing control, which you acknowledge as an issue and want to work on, taking a knife to bed, well... you could end up in jail due to accidentally stabbing him in your sleep or startle.

I agree. In that split second, zero to ten rage, it is incredibly hard for me to formulate a clear thought, or choose the better route. Two words to best explain it would be vengance and protection. When I am boxed in, a wall behind me, a blocked door, I snap. Any characteristic of an abuser, or if something someone says reminds me of the many in my life, "flips the switch" as well. After the hot fog lifts, I am left astounded at myself and ashamed.

I feel like the knife also shows I've had enough now leave me alone and leave the room. It makes me feel protected. Able to control what I perceive as an impending threat. A horrible solution, a dangerous one indeed. I have never in my life put my hands on another until recently. Most think when people declare "I can't control it" as a way to dodge responsibility. I would describe it as one does when they speak of out of body experiences. Watching myself outside myself. Fragements of memory afterwards. Hence my choice to isolate myself as often as I am able to do so. Thank you for your advice.