Blew up at my son tonight.

[FauxLiz]

My son came home this evening for college spring break and i have been really excited to see him. But as he arrived and I went out to help him bring things in the house he was on the phone with his father. To say that there is animosity between his father and I would be an understatement. He was mentally, emotionally and physically abuse to me through 12 years of marriage and has done only the bare minimum required to participate in our children's lives since he left us 14 years ago.

Generally I acknowledge that as much as I want to protect them from him they are entitled to have a relationship with him but not around me. So when I jokingly told my son that I didn't like him bringing his father into my home he got pissed and told me to shut up. Well that didn't go over well and when I decided to retreat to my TV show he started pushing the issue and I started yelling.

I told him that he can have a relationship with his father but I will not listen to him defend a man that did things to me that he doesn't know, that I will not listen to him to defend his father when he does nothing for either child. I have supported them through school, college, provided them the necessities participated in their activities and he gives them nothing since child support ended. He doesn't assist with transportation or insurance for transportation, he does not assist in paying for cell phone plans, college tuition or living expenses nothing. I blew it when I screamed what has your dad done for you since you were 6 years old that the courts didn't mandate?

I know it was awful and I apologized and gave him a big hub and I hate myself for it but when my children tell me that their dad is making X amount which is more than double my single income and is married with a working spouse yet he can't afford to assist his blood children while spoiling the daughter he adopted of his second wife I see red. I struggle to make ends meet with a good income because my health care costs for physical and mental health are so high and the number of meds rarely generic that I take daily just to function and hold down a job eat over 20% of my income not including the insurance premiums costing another 15%.

I know it is wrong to take it out on my son but I was just so hurt and angry that he would bring his father into my house even if it was just over the phone I lost control and now I am ashamed, and embarrassed and feel guilty and I can't go back and change it.

 

[blackemerald1]

Whoa! Stop loading the guilt on yourself!!

So when I jokingly told my son that I didn't like him bringing his father into my home he got pissed and told me to shut up. Well that didn't go over well and when I decided to retreat to my TV show he started pushing the issue and I started yelling.

Your son should not have told you to 'shut-up'! And.. he then provoked you and pushed the issue further. What did he expect... you to shut up and just sit there and listen to him? No.. that's not right. He's in your home. You deserve respect and he knows (already) that it's a sensitive issue, that you don't want to be privy to him communicating with your ex. That's entirely different to not wanting him to communicate with your ex - isn't it?

So whilst your son is entitled to a relationship with his father. He's also old enough to know not to get in your face about it.

It might be good that you told/yelled that stuff about your ex. At least he knows now exactly why it continues to be so sensitive. It sounds like you harbour a lot of anger in respect to the financial arrangements. How frustrating!!

However if he's still taking money and support from you and he's in your home he's got to appreciate or acknowledge just how difficult and frustrating this is for you. So.. no shut-ups..

Maybe he'll be a bit more respectful about it all in future and you could apologise for yelling at him if you need to. (just not what the substance of the yelling was)

Tell him you love him and start again with the visit. It will be okay. Don't bog down into this because you have limited time with your son so get past it and move onto things you both enjoy.

 

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 thanks for the support. I still feel guilty for blowing up and worse even for the comments about his father's involvement in his life but I can't take it back. My son and I went to a movie and dinner last night which was nice and a major accomplishment for me as I haven't sat through a movie in the theater the entire way through in over 5 years. Normally the volume the movies are played at and the close proximity of so many people to me sends my anxiety through the roof.

I have given him several hugs since then and several I love you's I just really worry know that my kids have both become adults that we will grow apart and I don't want that.

 

[scout86]

I still feel guilty for blowing up and worse even for the comments about his father's involvement in his life but I can't take it back.

Handling that has to be tricky. It's wonderful that you're trying so hard not to point out your ex's lack of involvement. But.... Your kids are adults now, maybe it's ok that they're aware of the truth. Doesn't mean you have to call your ex names, or anything, but I'm not sure you need to protect your kids from the truth either. If the only "truth" they hear is from him, it's not likely to be very accurate.

I'm sort of surprised about your son telling you to shut up. That's totally out of line, but he's not normally like that, is he? Do you suppose something else is bothering him to cause the bad attitude?

 

[FauxLiz]

@scout86 you are right he doesn't normally act that way. He had been on the road traveling home for 5 hours, has been a very stressful semester at college and it was late in the evening. We were both probably not at our best.

 

[blackemerald1]

my kids have both become adults that we will grow apart and I don't want that.

It's my experience that all of a sudden one finds that they are independent and living their own lives. I'm sure that is the way it is meant to be.

But growing up is entirely different from growing apart.

It's a difficult emotional path, releasing them entirely, though you really have no say about that at all. They are going to go on with their own lives even if you don't want them to. So the bond changes.

Separation from parents is inevitable but I know it is emotionally painful and I think maybe more for single mothers.

You can make it less so if you work at this.

I've found that it's really important for me to have my own life, my own interests, my own stuff because they do look to see how you handle yourself as an adult.

They try to be adults themselves but they to a large extent mimic the adults they love and admire and who are closest to them. That's you!!

The bond, the real bond will never be broken but you can nurture it and keep it healthy too.

Do them a favour, show them by your own independence that you are confident in their choices, confident that they can manage decision making etc.,

Even when they make mistakes that bond isn't broken. Yelling at each other doesn't break it btw. Ex-husbands don't break it either. Try to be confident in that. Your love for them is not up for negotiation ever.

Living away from you will not break that emotional bond either. But it may change. The dynamics do change a lot. My children now come home to 'check up' on me or to spend special days with me. They have become protective of me.

They don't need me to watch for danger anymore, they are doing that for me... even if I don't want it. lol...

You are somewhere in this process @FauxLiz and you will be okay. They will be okay too. And they will love you just as much as ever but from a young adult perspective. Do you know what I mean?