I Can't Keep Feeling Like This

[Live]

The flashbacks are getting too much, the depression is out of control. My baby is crying in his crib in the other room but I've been crying my own eyes out for an hour so bad I can't move. I know I need to go to the hospital. I cant keep trying to be ok when I'm obviously not but I don't want to leave my kids, I shouldn't be taking some therapy vacation when I should be looking for a job. I can't just pause my familys life because I cant cope, so what do I do?

For some backstory this is what I just wrote to my therapist, so you can understand why I feel like dying and giving up.

I feel completely alone. My husband doesn't understand why I cry for no reason. My kids don't understand why I never want to play. I'm so so sad. I have no one in my life who gets it. I was abused and abandoned by someone who is supposed to love me more than anyone else.

Little girls are supposed to think their dad is a hero not a monster. I am trying so hard to not let what he's done effect me anymore, but everywhere I look I see him. I look in the mirror and see his eyes, I look on paper and see his handwriting. I look at my beautiful daughter and see his genes. I want to be a success story. I want to be able to say, "You hurt me, but I will not let it rule my life. I'm happy and I did this on my own with no help from you." But no matter how much I try to make that true, I know its not. I know that I've become a statistic.

Teenage mother, former addict still struggling to stay clean, welfare user, dropout with no job. He has ruined my life and I just let him. He has turned my heart black. I cry all the time and there's no comfort. No one to say its ok. Even right now, this very moment, my son is crying in his crib and needs me to come pick him up, but I can't. I'm sobbing my eyes out and shaking and just want to die. I can't even go pick up my baby because of HIM! Writing this has already taken me a half hour because I keep stopping to sob and try to breathe when it gets to hard.

I haven't seen him since I was 11 and he still runs my everyday life. He makes me so sad I can't love my husband or play with my kids or have any friends. I may have gotten away 7 years ago but I am still his prisoner. I just wish someone could understand. I WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND!!!! Why can't I stop crying? It's been 7 years, I have a beautiful family, I made it farther than anyone thought I would, but is still feel like a failure like I'm worthless, exactly how he wanted me to feel exactly who he said I was. Worthless ugly stupid weak I am everything he said. This hurts so bad and it hurts too much. I don't know if I can keep living like this.

Why didn't he love me? How could he do that do his baby? What was wrong with me? It hurts. I can't keep having flashbacks. I can't keep seeing his face everywhere I go. I can't do this anymore.

 

[Jlso111187]

Live,

I want you to know your not alone. I too, was raped and became many statistics. Its not fair that you got robbed of your life. But know things do get easier to deal with.

Are you on any type of medicine? You dont have to get put in the hospital to get medicine. Go to your walk in and tell them that your having a hard time in your life and need some medicine to help you get through. That you dont want to get put in the hospital as you have a family that you have to look after.

I cant tell you its ok because I know from personal experience that its not ok. But what I can say is your not alone and there are people here who will talk with you or even just listen to you when you need it. I for one have no problem with that. Dont ever be afraid to contact me if you need to vent or talk. I also can tell you it does get easier to deal with as time goes on. It never goes away. Its been over 10 years for me and Im still dealing with it on a daily basis.

 

[Live]

I am on medicine but it doesn't help anymore. Doctors have put me on just about everything under the sun and I never feel better.

I've been in my room crying for 2 hours now. I need to go make dinner for my children but I'm so broken and useless I cant even do that. I can't keep living in a world where no one understands.

My husband tries he really does, but he doesn't understand and he never could. Even if I could bring myself to talk to him about it, it would just scare him, show him how damaged and crazy I really am. I just want to die. I wouldn't kill myself but I cant live like this anymore.

 

[Jlso111187]

You have babies to think about. Make them your life. Thats what I did. I was a zombie for a few years doing nothing but focusing on my kids. I felt no happiness, all pain but when they were around I put on a face and did what I could for them. I know its hard and I wish there was something I could do other than just talk to you.

I too, tried many of the pills they give you and then I got sick of trying new things and getting the same result so I took my self off the meds and tried to deal as best as I could for 13 years. Now I am back on meds because I got to the point where your at right now of crying non stop not being able to do anything, feeling like I wanted to die. I still feel that way but I am fighting through it.

 

[Phenioxrising]

Are you able to talk about what happened to you and, discuss in what ways what he said effected you?

My mother would chase me with a broom, also beat me with a high heeled shoe. The emotional trauma was being called a whore, threats to call a foster home, and also threats of being nothing but useless all my life.

In high school I wanted to commit suicide and passed out from the stress. I had a dream where a God came toward me and said "Your not done Yet", scared the hell out of me. Gave me the hope I needed though to come to where I am now.

 

[Whitneys story]

I am so glad you have found this site! You are safe and among caring supportive people. Congratulations on taking this step.

I don't recall you mentioning therapy. No one can hold all of this in, medication can be beneficial; but it alone only delays your healing.

Please take your time learning your way around. There are some articles written by Anthony which are excellent explanations of steps towards understanding.

I am sorry what brought you here, let it out when you are able. We get it. Breathe and repeat. It is a new time for you. Whitney

 

[Awakening]

God. I relate so much to your post it's scary.

I have two young sons. I wouldn't feel pressure about playing with them just now. As for food - if it's toast and beans or toast and eggs then that's okay.

I have nothing else to say right now, but your post contains so much of what I feel and experience.

 

[rightkindofme]

I haven't seen my father since I was 13. He killed himself when I was 17 rather than let me put him in jail for rape. I'm 31.

I've been having a few really bad days myself. I've been sobbing hysterically for a few days; I haven't been this bad in a couple of years. My kids are 4 and 2 and they now have free access to fruit and a snack cupboard because sometimes I can't deal with making them food. I just can't. So they have unfettered access to nutritious food. Eat when you are hungry. There are water bottles all over the place.

The baby phase is brutal. Your body is reaching out for the support of your kin and clan. I believe in my heart of hearts that PPD and PPA are linked to the modern lack of support for postpartum women. We are not meant to be alone with these children all the time. It's too hard. But sometimes it happens anyway.

I stopped having kids at two because I know that if I have more I will abuse the shit out of them. I have to be honest with myself. This is the end of my patience for the baby stage. The baby stage is brutal. If you are struggling too much, make sure you can't get into this position again.

It gets easier when they aren't babies. There are other struggles--it's never *easy*.

I tell myself I committed about twenty years of my life to caring more about their needs than mine. After that I can go back to being non-functional if that is what I have to do. I'll deal with it then. I have my head down and I'm just plodding along. I have to take care of my kids.

I love them so much. They are the only reason I'm not dead. But if I had a third baby I would not be able to be a good mother again. I have managed twice. That is all I have to give. :( I feel sad about that because I want more children. I have to be honest with myself.

I worry about other women in my position. I worry about our kids. I worry. I worry about whether I should have had kids in the first place or not--I know it was such a selfish thing for me to do.

I am a good mother most of the time. It has to be ok that sometimes I sob uncontrollably for most of a day. :(

Oh, and I smoke a lot of pot with a therapist and a doctors recommendation. Western meds make my life a living hell. Pot makes me functional.

 

[Phenioxrising]

I love them so much. They are the only reason I'm not dead. But if I had a third baby I would not be able to be a good mother again. I have managed twice. That is all I have to give. I feel sad about that because I want more children. I have to be honest with myself.

Realize that you are being a good mom for saying this.

Where is the father and his position in all of this? Could he be behind the reason your feeling this way.

Ask yourself, "Is he helping me enough?, Do I have acess to a babysitter when I need one?"

Is your Phych. really helping you? Also what is it that he may be trying to tell you?.

Hope this may help.

 

[rightkindofme]

I am happily married and my husband spends time with his children daily. No we don't have enough access to additional childcare. Not everyone does.

I'm not in love with this psych. We do a lot of therapist-directed EMDR trying to go through my trauma list. I'm finding it more upsetting than comforting. *shrug* Therapists come and go.

 

[Whitneys story]

The following article is short for reading but invaluable for understanding. You have all made courageous steps in seeking help. Here you can talk to others who have been down a similar path. Sharing with those who understand makes all the difference in the world. Writing and posting is very good for emptying the cup!

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173960[/DLMURL]

You are good people and great mothers! I am so glad you are here! Whitney